Average Joe SCOTUS – Timbs v Indiana

Timbs bought an expensive ass Land Rover with insurance money from his parent’s passing. Despite striking it rich, this greedy mother fucker decided to start dealing drugs to make even more, and got his dumb ass busted.

Speaking of greedy. Let’s talk about those mother fuckers in Indiana. They decided that they wanted a Land Rover themselves, and they’d use this bullshit charge to take Timbs’ ride.

Since the Rover wasn’t paid for with drug money, and was worth way more than the fine he faced, Timbs argued it violated his 8th amendment rights to not have excessive fines levied on his ass, and that he wanted his fucking Land Rover back.

Indiana tried to say that somehow the 8th amendment, which guarantees against excessive fines was never incorporated into the 14th amendment which entitles the people to due process, allowed them to do this. Don’t even begin to ask me how the fuck they thought this made sense, because I don’t understand it either.

All 9 justices of SCOTUS agreed with me and Timbs; Indiana is smoking some serious shit if they think this is OK, and that maybe they need to read the 14th amendment again before they try this shit next time. SCOTUS summarily told Indiana to go fuck themselves.

Click here to read more and/or listen to oral arguments.

Average Joe SCOTUS – Dawson v. Steager

In West Virginia, if you work for the state as a local firefighter or law enforcement official, you don’t have to pay state income tax. You put your life on the line, they figure it’s the least they can do.

Dawson however, was a federal marshal operating in West Virginia, and was being taxed by West Virginia, because they want to get paid, y’all!

The state of West Virginia however, decided that federal marshals, even if they operate in West Virginia can go fuck themselves. Pay your taxes, bitch! We don’t care if you put your life on the line in our state, we only care if you were taking money out of our purse.

Side Note: I’ve got $20 that this wasn’t about the benevolence of West Virginia towards its employees for the sacrifices they make, but this was about police and fire labor unions negotiating this exemption.

Are we just going to ignore that the source of income mattered more to West Virginia than the sacrifice this man was willing to make for his state? Well, all nine SCOTUS justices aren’t, they think West Virginia is whack!

They told West Virginia they need to get their head straight, you discriminating sunsabitches!

Judgement for Dawson.

Hear oral arguments and/or read about the case here.

Average Joe SCOTUS – Nutraceutical Corp. v Lambert

This perverted SOB Lambert was having a hard time getting a boner. He likes his porn mags, and he assumed the ads in the back for boner pills were legit. You know, because that Asian in a Latina porn site, or that woman with surgical marks on her boobs on an “all-natural women” site is evidence that the porn industry is always honest.

So he bought his boner pills, and imagine his surprise when he still had a wet noodle.

He decided to sue Nutraceutical, the makers of this placebo boner pill for false advertising. Apparently blissfully unaware that the FDA doesn’t give one shit about these nonsense supplements—they have real drugs to address.

Nutra asked the case be dropped due to lack of evidence, because these bullshit supplement companies are shady AF, and somehow, the court granted it.

Lambert gave notice he wanted to appeal 10 days from the date it was dropped, and the court told him he had 10 days to file his appeal making it a total of 20 days later. But the rule in place was actually that he only had 14 days, making him six days late.

So SCOTUS was now basically asked to rule on whether it was fair he got rejected when the court told him he had ten days, and really only had four according to the rules.

SCOTUS told him to take his pervy bullshit elsewhere. Rules are rules, now fuck off.

Also, why aren’t we talking about how supplement companies are shady AF, and the FDA doesn’t care, instead of caring about some procedural bullshit like this?

Read about the case and/or hear oral arguments here

Average Joe SCOTUS – Apple v. Pepper

Apple are a bunch of control freaks. We know that, right?

Apple only lets you install apps via the app store, and they tack on 30% to the price of the apps from the developers who made them. They say this is so that they can test them and insure that they work properly, but don’t think for a second those holier-than-thou motherfuckers don’t screen out apps they think are immoral or something, like porn.

Pepper was just your average consumer who felt like they were being raped by Apple. The 30% drives up the cost quite high, and Apple prevents anyone else from competing with them. So Pepper filed an anti-trust suit, saying Apple are being assholes.

Apple said that they only felt that the developers could sue, not the peons that use their shit, based on a previous precedent involving some Brick company in Illinois.

SCOTUS agreed with Pepper though 5:4, that Apple can go eat a bag of dicks. If Pepper wants to sue, go ahead and sue, already.

Everyone who thought Kavanaugh would be a right-wing zealot were left looking a little foolish when he sided with all the left-wing justices on this one.

Anti-trust suits to follow, almost assuredly.

Read about the case and/or listen to oral arguments here

Average Joe SCOTUS – Lorenzo v. Securities and Exchange Commission

Francis Lorenzo worked for an investment firm as the director of investment. He was helping a company called Waste2Energy (W2E) secure funding by offering shares of their company as an investment.

W2E had some crazy idea that they could make the environment better by converting waste to energy, thus the name. However, they were just starry-eyed dreamers, and their shit-to-shine ideas were bogus AF, and didn’t work.

So now all these investors in W2E had largely invested in a company that was peddling bullshit.

In order to protect investors a bit, W2E offered debentures, which are basically debt secured by future earnings potential, versus any actual assets. I know, sounds shady AF, right?

Lorenzo emailed investors that their investments were safe as hell, because of these debentures, , the assets W2E does have, and that his company was backing the investment themselves. He said this info came from his boss. The assets were the important part, and let’s just say Lorenzo’s estimation of the assets values were about as accurate as a presidential campaign promise.

The SEC, realizing this was bullshit of the highest order, charged Lorenzo, and his boss, with fraud. Lorenzo tried to say, “Hey, I was just doing what that shady mother fucker told me to do. I’m innocent.” Lorenzo feels like since he’s just a dumb employee, and not the boss, only the boss should be responsible for breaking the law.

6 Justices think Lorenzo is full of shit, and that him and his boss can go eat a bag of dicks. They both know better, and they will pay accordingly. Gorsuch and Thomas disagreed, only wanting Lorenzo’s boss to munch on those nuts. Kavanaugh couldn’t be bothered and went to play some golf.

Hear oral arguments, or read about the case here.

Average Joe SCOTUS – Nieves v. Bartlett

Bartlett was being an asshole, harassing people and shit, and someone called the cops on him.

Bartlett told the cops to “go forth and multiply” when they arrived. Rather unamused by Bartlett’s words and actions, cops busted his ass.

The people who called the cops dropped charges, so no crime committed or prosecuted. So with no crime hanging over him, Bartlett argued the cops busted him for his directive that the officers go forth and multiply, arresting him for his free speech.

SCOTUS told Bartlett, “Listen asshole. The cops were there because you were being a dick and harassing other people. Not because you were a dick to them after they got there. So if you hadn’t been a dick at first, you’d have been fine.”

Eight out of nine justices ruled for Nieves (the arresting officer), saying, “Now fuck off, Bartlett. Maybe you should drink less alcohol, douchebag.”

Sotomayor, the only dissenter thinks 8 out of nine SCOTUS justices is an idiot.

Listen to oral arguments and/or read about the case here.