Tag Archives: SCOTUS

How The Courts Slowly Built A Framework That Enabled Government Officials To Commit Bad Acts Without Repercussion

~ 1871 ~

Every person who, under color of any statute, ordinance, regulation, custom, or usage, of any State or Territory or the District of Columbia, subjects, or causes to be subjected, any citizen of the United States or other person within the jurisdiction thereof to the deprivation of any rights, privileges, or immunities secured by the Constitution and laws, shall be liable to the party injured in an action at law, suit in equity, or other proper proceeding for redress, except that in any action brought against a judicial officer for an act or omission taken in such officer’s judicial capacity, injunctive relief shall not be granted unless a declaratory decree was violated or declaratory relief was unavailable. For the purposes of this section, any Act of Congress applicable exclusively to the District of Columbia shall be considered to be a statute of the District of Columbia. ~42 U.S.C. § 1983

This little 155-year-old beauty from 1871 (it doesn’t look a day older than 154) was established during the Reconstruction era—the period after the Civil War and the ending of slavery. It gives you, me, and anyone else in the US the right to hold government officials civilly liable if they violate our constitutional rights.

Civilly liable just means you can sue the bejeezus out of them.

For brevity’s sake, we’ll just call it § 1983 going forward.

That one run-on sentence — and it’s a doozy — is the whole statute. Small but important.

But, the Supreme Court has sadly manipulated this well-intentioned statute in ways that few would have imagined.

Before we dig in to how, I’m going to keep a running score regarding the status of § 1983, because this shit gets complicated.

Here’s our baseline:

1871: Government official violates your rights while doing their job? You may sue them. An unmolested § 1983 in a nutshell.

You might be wondering what triggered this law in the first place—you could have always sued someone who wronged you—right?

Well, let’s go back to June 19th, 1865 (now known as Juneteenth). After Union soldiers arrived in Galveston, Texas and announced slaves were officially freed, I think we can imagine southern government officials were less than polite to our newly emancipated black friends. Heck, many were members of the Ku Klux Klan and happily committed frequent racist acts of violence towards them.

So here were government officials, fresh off of getting their ass handed to them in the Civil War, who had sworn to support and defend the Constitution of a country they’re probably still pissed at, willfully trampling the rights of the very people they used to own as slaves, whom they’d just been ordered to set free. That order went against everything they fought for—sucked to be them.

The racist acts these traitors committed were so commonplace, and justice was so sparsely meted out when it happened, that Congress felt compelled to take action. They wanted a federal statute that gave anyone harmed by a government official in an unconstitutional manner a way to claw something back and be made whole, because the states where these horrible acts occurred were rarely going to prosecute it themselves—they were part of the problem.

Of course, many atrocities can never be made whole—I think we all understand that—but a large sum of cashola rarely makes anyone less whole.

~ 1875 ~

Shortly after the passage of § 1983, Congress then passed the Civil Rights Act of 1875 (CRA 1875). No, not the famous one from 1964 that everybody thinks of today—this older version was an entirely different animal.

It essentially guaranteed that certain public accommodations—inns, public transportation, theaters, and the like—couldn’t turn people away based on race, nor exclude them from juries.

And with that, racism was dead, the Klansmen all hung up their Casper the Friendly Ghost costumes, and the black community lived happily ever after.

If only, right?

~ 1883 ~

Despite Congress’ best intentions with CRA 1875, just eight short years later, SCOTUS decided 8-1 with the Civil Rights Cases, that CRA 1875 was unconstitutional.

I know that’s a weird name for a SCOTUS case—it’s usually two parties with a “v.” in the middle. But there were five separate cases where a black individual was denied accommodations by an entity that would have happily given them to someone who was white. So instead of rattling off five different names against five different respondents, they just combined them all and called them “The Civil Rights Cases.”

While it’s very plausible this ruling against CRA 1875 was motivated by racism, there is a legitimate reason they cited here that’s worth understanding—a fact about federal law that few people know. It’s going to blow your mind—it did for me, anyway.

We often think that Congress can write any law it wants, and technically it can. If it passes and the president signs it—or just sits on it for ten days without vetoing it—it’s active law.

View, from the balcony, of congressmen and congresswomen on the house floor as the 115th Congress is called into session on its opening day, Washington DC, January 3, 2017. (Photo by Mark Reinstein/Corbis via Getty Images)

However, if that law were to be challenged in court, it might face judicial review. The Court could then deem it unconstitutional and strike it down.

We tend to think of courts striking down laws as unconstitutional solely because they take away someone’s enumerated constitutional rights. It might be a hate speech law that violates the First Amendment, or a gun law that violates the Second.

These restrictions apply to government at all levels—not just Washington. This is thanks to a doctrine called incorporation, which runs the Bill of Rights through the Fourteenth Amendment’s Due Process Clause and applies it against the states.

They reason that if the states, counties, and cities weren’t bound by the Constitution, then practically speaking, you wouldn’t have those rights at all—every level of government below the federal one could just take them away from you.

But the mind-blowing side of constitutionality I referred to is the application of the Tenth Amendment and what it actually means. The text says:

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

Right there, in black and white, it tells you that federal laws must be underpinned by something in the Constitution that says Congress can regulate that thing. Anything else must be done at the lower levels of government (e.g. state, county, city).

A great example of this principle is from United States v. Lopez (1995), where a 12th grader carried a concealed firearm into school. While he didn’t shoot anyone, he did get busted and charged under a 1990 law called the Gun-Free School Zones Act (GFSZA).

The government argued it had the authority to pass the GFSZA via the Commerce Clause—Article I, Section 8, Clause 3 of the Constitution, which empowers Congress to:

Regulate Commerce with foreign Nations, and among the several States, and with the Indian Tribes.

They reasoned that schools provide education, education helps kids grow up, those grown-up kids will engage in economic activity, and therefore this law regulates commerce.

No, I’m not making that shit up—that was really the justification the government argued when it defended the law against young Señor Lopez in court.

They argued this convoluted nonsense because the Constitution doesn’t give Congress the power to regulate guns, so a Commerce Clause link was their hail Mary at keeping this law in force.

A staggering amount of federal law is tied to the Commerce Clause. For a big chunk of the twentieth century, courts assumed Congress could find an interstate-commerce angle for almost anything it wanted to pass.

The Commerce Clause

Look, libertarians like me tend to celebrate any time a gun law gets tossed—so take my bias as a given. But this one shouldn’t sit right with the pro-gun-control crowd either.

Forget guns for a second: if a law can be justified because it “affects commerce” this loosely, then Congress can regulate damn near anything. The Tenth Amendment should not be hung out to dry like that—not cool, Congress. Not cool!

SCOTUS thought so too. For the first time in 60 years, they told Congress to cut the shit with this Commerce Clause nonsense, and summarily struck the GFSZA down. Carrying a gun near a school isn’t commerce, and stretching the Commerce Clause to cover it insulted the Court’s intelligence.

Now, that whole Lopez detour wasn’t a random tangent—it’s the exact same principle at work when SCOTUS neutered the Civil Rights Act of 1875. In the aforementioned Civil Rights Cases, SCOTUS ruled that nothing in the Constitution empowered Congress to regulate civil rights the way it sought to. Same “disease” as the gun law—Congress reached for a power it didn’t have, so that law had to “die.”

To defend CRA 1875, Congress leaned on the 13th and 14th Amendments. The 14th, it argued, guarantees equal protection. The 13th which killed slavery, they reasoned, should also let Congress kill slavery’s leftovers.

SCOTUS rejected both of those arguments because the 14th only restrains government, not private businesses.

Demonstrators march down Constitution Avenue during the March on Washington on Aug. 28, 1963.

And, getting turned away from a hotel—however humiliating—wasn’t a “badge of slavery” it felt the 13th could reach.

Naturally, you may be wondering how the Civil Rights Act of 1964 has survived.

Well…because its authority was derived from, you guessed it, the good ol’ Commerce Clause. I told you—that shit is everywhere.

Going back to 1883, in its ruling on the Civil Rights Cases, SCOTUS reiterated that a private entity discriminating against you might be vile, but it isn’t “state action.” So the 14th Amendment can’t touch it—a principle known as the state-action doctrine. Therefore CRA 1875 was unconstitutional as a result.

While it’s subtle, the part that matters for our discussion is that the court drew a clear line between what was and wasn’t state action. It did so in helping to interpret the Fourteenth Amendment, but its interpretation went much further.

For instance, what about a government official who abuses their power in a way no law authorizes?

Is a cop beating a random black person “the government acting,” or just a bigoted thug who happens to wear a badge? If it’s the latter, § 1983 won’t reach him at all.

So that unbridgeable gap is where § 1983 went on vacation for nearly eighty years—failing to deliver on its promise almost entirely.

There’s no law that says our wayward racist cop should be beating that person in the first place—so you could argue they’re not acting “under color of law” at all.

More broadly, when would any government pass a statute that orders a government official to blatantly violate your rights? Almost any bad act a government employee does to someone is going to be them running afoul of the law, not enforcing it.

With that nonsensical framework now case law, it was nearly impossible to win a § 1983 claim, making the statute about as useless as a screen door on a submarine.

Our score now:

1883: Government official violates your rights while doing their job? You may sue them—but only if the violation was somehow their official duty. Since violating rights is essentially never anyone’s official duty, § 1983 is now about as useful as a parachute that opens on impact. Paradox #1 created (there will be more)—Godspeed.

Here’s another fact you may not know: just because SCOTUS says a law is unconstitutional, doesn’t mean someone grabs the nearest eraser and deletes that shit from the U.S. Code. It’ll sit there doing nothing in perpetuity unless Congress votes to remove it or SCOTUS throws stare decisis to the wolves and overrules themselves later. Laws ruled unconstitutional merely become unenforceable.

Stare decisis is the courts’ unwritten dogma of sticking to their own past rulings. It’s a Latin term that means “let the decision stand.”
Courts adopted this approach to bring some level of consistency, predictability, and stability to the law

Theoretically, if some rogue official tried to enforce such a law anyway, you could sue them under § 1983—and then, in a ironic twist, they’d turn around and claim qualified immunity to dodge you. But that’s mostly academic, because it’d never even get that far in the first place. Courts are bound by precedent, so any prosecution under a dead law gets laughed out of court immediately.

Apologies if this is feeling like an Amway pitch up until now. I’ve danced around what this is about without naming it. But I didn’t want to poison your mind and have you “check out” thinking you already knew it all.

So yes, as you may have guessed, we’re discussing “qualified immunity.”

As you may recall from my post on the origins of strict scrutiny (you can read it here, if you haven’t already), the courts sometimes recognize that rights can’t always be absolute, as a matter of practicality.

Think about the old notion that you “can’t yell fire in a crowded theater”—even though that one’s actually a myth these days (the case behind that notion got overruled in 1969—Brandenburg v. Ohio). But the underlying idea holds: rights have limits. The First Amendment is broad, but it won’t protect you if you incite a riot.

Qualified immunity was a way for courts to protect government officials from what they felt were wrongful and unintended applications of § 1983.

Qualified immunity isn’t a statute from Congress—it’s purely caselaw (Judge-made law, not congressional).

It’s also not a direct result of one case—it was slowly built over time—a series of exceptions the Court deemed necessary and proper when interpreting § 1983.

~ 1958 ~

Now—let’s fast forward to the awakening of § 1983—and also to the building blocks of qualified immunity that got stacked alongside it, one by one, ultimately keeping the statute from ever doing the work it was designed for.

On October 29th, 1958, James Monroe, a black man and his family, were rudely awoken at 5:45 a.m. to thirteen police officers, including one self-righteous prick named Deputy Chief of Detectives Frank Pape.

These weren’t gentle knocks and a polite request to search the place. Pape and his crew kicked in two doors, no warrant in sight, and dragged Monroe and his wife—both of them stark naked—into the living room at gunpoint. Then they herded in all six of the Monroe kids to come witness it all for good measure.

Pape went to work on Monroe with his flashlight while dropping N-bombs like there was some racist shock and awe campaign he was training for.

Another officer shoved his wife around while others hit and kicked the kids hard enough to knock them down.

Meanwhile, the rest of the squad tore the place apart—dumping drawers, ripping open mattresses, just generally treating this family’s home like a crime scene they were allowed to invent.

After all that, they hauled Monroe to the station and sat on him for ten hours, interrogating him about the murder without ever bringing him in front of a judge, letting him call a lawyer, or letting him call his own family. Eventually, with no evidence to charge him with, they cut him loose.

Pape and his merry band of asshole cops were investigating the murder of a man named Peter Saisi.

After the murder, Saisi’s wife told investigators that two black men had done it.

The next day, she came to the station and looked at a photo array, stopped at a photo of James Monroe, and said he looked like one of the killers.

So this prompted the incident at the Monroe home above which led to Monroe being hauled in and placed in a lineup where Mrs. Saisi failed to identify him, despite dropping the dime on him a day earlier.

It’s easy to defend Mrs. Saisi by assuming she witnessed a tragedy, and in her unparalleled state of grief committed an act of innocent mistaken identity. It’s also forgivable to wonder whether Monroe had actually committed this crime in the first place, before you’re willing to bestow any sympathy on him.

But just know that this bitch had her lover Richard Lansing murder Peter Saisi for the insurance money, and was eventually convicted of it.

Her defense at trial was that after the murder, Lansing held a gun on her and threatened to kill her and her children unless she told police it was a black man who did it. The trial court and the Illinois Supreme Court found this claim less than believable. She was already sitting in the pokey—sentenced to 60 years—so they cordially invited her to stay there.

Also, before you think maybe Pape was a fine cop, just know what that prick had to say regarding the citizens he killed: “Of the nine people I shot, every one of them had a gun and in every instance they had used it or were about to use it. I wouldn’t take them into custody and I don’t give a damn who criticized me for it.”

Not for nothing, he also occasionally brought a Tommy gun to raids as well. I think that suggests he wasn’t encumbering himself with the burden of using his handcuffs.

But hey, he inspired a show called M Squad, which ran from 1957 to 1960, so there is that.

~ 1961 ~

In the aftermath of all this came SCOTUS case Monroe v. Pape (1961). Monroe sought to sue those thirteen bastards in blue under § 1983, and the municipality they worked for. He wanted to make them pay him, his wife, and his children a total of $570,000 for all the harm they’d done—a princely sum for the time, according to a loose reference from The Chicago Defender.

He was eventually awarded only $13,000, a court jesterly sum instead.

The Warren Court: 1953-1969

The cops argued that because their brutality violated Illinois law, they couldn’t possibly be considered acting “under color of law”—they were just rogue criminals, beyond § 1983’s reach.

Weird that their defense is an admission they were breaking the law, right?

The Court rejected that artistic interpretation, though.

It held that abusing power you possess solely because you wear a badge in the first place is acting under color of law. So yes, § 1983 reached them—not despite the badge, but because of it.

Unfortunately, Monroe didn’t get everything he sought. The same ruling held that the City of Chicago couldn’t be touched at all. A municipality, SCOTUS said, isn’t a “person” under § 1983. So the city’s coffers remained unmolested, and Monroe was left collecting from the individual officers (which is where that $13,000 eventually came from).

The Court felt you can’t blame the city for dumb shit the fuzz does, no matter what the reason. But this wasn’t awarding absolute immunity—it was simpler and dumber than that. Since § 1983 only reaches “persons,” and they ruled a city wasn’t one, the statute never touched Chicago to begin with.

But at least the majority saw the paradox that had festered since the Civil Rights Cases, and had finally had enough. They looked at the history of the law, the congressional debates during its formation, and clarified it so it was no longer self-defeating.

With that ruling, § 1983 was awoken after its 78-year slumber and all of a sudden found some teeth again—thanks James Monroe!

The score now:

1961: Government official violates your rights while doing their job? You may sue them—so long as they’re abusing the authority that job gave them. Paradox #1 solved.

But the city they work for? Untouchable.

~ 1967 ~

The next step in our timeline came six years later with Pierson v. Ray (1967).

In 1961, fifteen clergymen, some black, some white, decided they were going to preach to the world that God says you shouldn’t be a racist prick. While spreading their message in Jackson, Mississippi, they were at a segregated bus terminal. Realizing this was a teachable moment, they all sat together in the “whites only” room as an act of civil disobedience.

Robert Laughlin Pierson

Jackson police and a Jackson judge—apparently all atheists—were unimpressed by the teachings of Jesus and these clergymen’s show of unity in the matter. So the rozzers arrested them, and the judge threw the book at them, for breach of the peace. Yes, you heard me, their obviously peaceful protest was deemed a breach of the peace.

Ahh, the South in the sixties…a racist’s heaven.

The charges eventually went away. My guess? Arresting clergymen is usually bad fucking press for a city.

But then, four years later, the Court in an unrelated case ruled Mississippi’s breach-of-the-peace law was unconstitutional.

So the clergymen, armed with that knowledge, were like, “Jesus has answered our prayers.” This had to mean the cops violated their constitutional rights, they assumed.

Apparently not completely sold on Jesus’ teaching of forgiveness—they sued those Jackson pricks: the po-po and the judge.

However, in an 8-1 ruling, SCOTUS—seeing that they could be in trouble if they weren’t careful—said judges got absolute immunity from § 1983 for judicial acts. Doesn’t matter how corrupt or morally repugnant it is—they get to interpret the law without fear of being sued if they get it wrong.

Editorial: Many will assume it’s pure self-preservation—giving judges immunity. But my joke aside, the reasoning SCOTUS provided is fair and worth understanding.

Judges are supposed to interpret the law faithfully.

If a judge considers “I might get sued for this” instead of just relying on the legal text, they might make a decision out of fear, not their actual interpretation of the law.

My own take: it’s a great argument, but it should be far more narrowly tailored. There are many ways a judge could violate someone’s rights and not be faithfully interpreting the law in doing so. There should be a mechanism to address that.

As it stands, a judge who takes a bribe to rule a certain way is just as immune from civil damages as one making an honest call. Our founding fathers would have immunized them with musket balls, not legal precedent.

SCOTUS took a little less forgiving approach with the cops, however—while still handing them a win. They created a good-faith exception to § 1983.

They reasoned that if a law is on the books, a police officer is duty-bound to enforce that law—barring the discretion they’re given not to when they deem it unwarranted. But if officers are enforcing active law, you couldn’t sue them for doing their job faithfully.

They also said cops aren’t fucking psychics. If a law is later ruled unconstitutional, you can’t expect some random beat cop to become Nostracopus—accurately predicting that shit. Last I checked, Johnny Law doesn’t keep psychics on staff, either.

That said, if cops aren’t enforcing good law—if they’re just violating people’s rights for no reason—then the good-faith defense doesn’t save them. They were abusing the authority the badge provides, which is exactly what § 1983 was built to reach. So sue away, brother!

Since these cops were enforcing valid Mississippi law at the time, they win. Jesus couldn’t be bothered to come to the courtroom that day.

The score now:

1967: You can still sue officials for abusing their authority—but the exceptions are piling up. Judges? Completely immune, however they rule. Cops? A good-faith defense: if they were enforcing a law on the books, they walk—even if that law gets struck down later.

~ 1970 ~

The next step on this journey is the Kent State University shootings in Ohio on May 4th, 1970.

With Vietnam in full swing—Nixon heard that North Vietnam (the communist side) was getting supplied through Cambodia. So ignoring the fact this war was already quite unpopular, he decided: what the fuck, let’s invade Cambodia as well.

Some college students at Kent State University took exception to the Vietnam war, and therefore to the expansion into Cambodia. I suppose it was partly philosophical, but, “I really don’t want to get drafted and sent to Cambodia myself” was surely part of it too.

These students did what many kids in college do—skip their education and protest something. They were at least artistic about it: they buried a copy of the Constitution to signify it was dead—clever.

Then at some point, presumably one of these miscreants set the ROTC building on fire and burned that shit to the ground.

The Governor of Ohio at the time, James Rhodes, decided this violent outburst was enough and called in the National Guard to put this donnybrook to bed. At a table-thumping press conference, he called the protesters “worse than the brownshirts—a reference to the Nazi paramilitary—and vowed to “eradicate” them. Not very gubernatorial in my estimation. I don’t know the man, but he comes off like a prick.

Former Ohio Gov. James A. Rhodes, shown in his office in this 1981 file photo (AP Photo/File)

The following day, Guardsmen moved in to disperse the crowd, deploying tear gas and advancing with fixed bayonets. The crowd didn’t take kindly to this and threw rocks and shit at them.

In response, the Guardsmen took position at the top of an area called Blanket Hill, then for reasons we’ll never know, started firing into the crowd—67 rounds in about 13 seconds.

This should bother every American.

Four students were killed, nine others were wounded. There’s no other way to describe this—in any other circumstance, this would be considered murder. No doubt, one of the darker days in American history.

We’ve been discussing § 1983, which is about civil suits, but surely this incident also carried criminal charges, right? It did, and we’re going to take a little sidebar to explore that.

Technically there is a federal murder statute—18 U.S.C. § 1111—but it only reaches killings on federal turf: military bases, national parks, federal buildings, U.S.-flagged ships, etc.

Why the narrow scope?

Same enumerated-powers wall we’ve been talking about. The Constitution never handed Congress a general power to prosecute murder; it only gets to apply homicide charges where it has a specific foothold, like its own territory or its own ships thanks to the Enclave Clause—Article I, Section 8, Clause 17, which gives them the power to “exercise exclusive legislation in all cases” over any federal lands.

Kent State was a state campus on Ohio soil—so § 1111 wouldn’t apply. Which left the feds reaching for the one hook they did have.

They charged them under 18 U.S.C. § 242—which criminalized “willfully depriving someone of their constitutional rights under color of law.” Known as the Civil Rights statute—it was passed five years prior to § 1983.

That statute was largely underpinned by the same motive—to prevent freed slaves, and the black community in general—from being deprived of their rights. But it provided a path to criminally prosecute civil rights violators, not sue them like § 1983. It was originally written to protect former slaves, and the black community in general, but later broadened to cover all Americans who’ve had their rights trampled on.

The key to that statute is that “willfully” part. You may have heard the term “mens rea” before, yes? It’s a legal term that comes from the Latin phrase for “guilty mind.” It’s a common element in many crimes, which dictates that for the person to be found guilty, the government has to prove they intended to commit the crime at hand, as opposed to an accidental or unintentional act that just ended quite badly.

While federal prosecutors tried, their evidence for mens rea was so flimsy that the judge ended the proceedings mid-trial, feeling that there was insufficient evidence to prove intent—the jury didn’t even get to deliberate or render a verdict. The acquittal carried double-jeopardy protection, so the Guardsmen were free and clear of those federal charges under § 242.

That likely leaves you wondering about state murder charges then. That’d be up to the state of Ohio, where the shooting happened. And here’s the problem: the whole state apparatus—right up to Governor Rhodes—had every incentive to make this go away. You can guess how well that served the victims.

The state reasoned first that it had no idea who actually fired the lethal shots. Forensic matching of the bullets to the guns was nearly impossible. Too many identical rifles in play, and some of the bullets had fragmented and couldn’t be matched anyway.

Not to mention, solid evidence preservation techniques weren’t really “a thing” in law enforcement at that point. They knew how to do it, but they didn’t prioritize it like we do today.

Second, a grand jury failed to indict the Guardsmen, finding it reasonable that they honestly and sincerely believed they’d be attacked by the crowd had they not fired.

But this grand jury was dubious. The prosecution never called the Guardsmen who actually fired to testify, and never presented the FBI’s report on the shooting—hardly an earnest effort to get an indictment. And the whole thing unfolded in a climate Rhodes had inflamed from the start.

Maybe Rhodes was worried about it coming back on him. Who knows? But the end result is the Guardsmen were free to go with no justice being meted out for the victims.

~ 1974 ~

That travesty brings us to Scheuer v. Rhodes (1974). We’ve established that Rhodes was the Ohio Governor. Scheuer was a representative for one of the victims. They sued under § 1983, arguing that Governor Rhodes had acted intentionally, recklessly, willfully, and wantonly in deploying the National Guard, which resulted in the deaths of their loved ones.

Deploying the Guard wasn’t crazy on its face—there’d been serious unrest. And if protesters really did torch the ROTC building, that crosses from peaceful protest into violence. A governor could reasonably call in the Guard to restore order, there.

So the hard question in Scheuer isn’t whether Rhodes could send troops—it’s whether he can be held liable under § 1983 for what those troops did: killing unarmed students. Deploying the Guard is one thing. Four dead kids is another.

The lower courts argued that the 11th Amendment, which says you can’t sue a state in Federal court (a “state’s rights” thing) barred the federal court from even hearing this shit. On appeal, the federal appellate court reasoned that executive immunity applied, and the Governor couldn’t be sued for doing his job—they’d have to sue the state. But that takes us back to the 11th Amendment issue, making this case a spiraling toilet drain of failure for the plaintiffs.

This idea of executive immunity was around long before Trump v. United States from 2024 (which I wrote about here), and it applied to Governor Rhodes here. The idea is that their job is to execute the law, and they must have significant leeway to do so. They can’t be in court every other week because their political opponents keep suing them. The voters put them there to do what they said they’d do, and how they said they’d do it. The court was wary of getting in the way of them achieving the political promises that got them elected.

But remember, unlike politicians, courts are not supposed to make decisions based on popular opinion, so we should oddly have a problem with them considering it.

Editorial: I have my qualms with this “executive immunity” doctrine. At a minimum, immunity should hinge on whether a reasonable person would find the executive was acting in good faith, similar to the Court’s early exemptions for § 1983.

Meaning if a jury felt they were behaving corruptly, such as accepting a bribe to appoint a judge, then fuck ’em, hang ’em at high noon for all I care. There’s no credibly argument I’ve heard for making such acts untouchable—our founding fathers would be ashamed.

In a unanimous win for Scheuer, although not in the way he hoped, SCOTUS reversed the lower courts.

First, it tossed the 11th Amendment argument: because the plaintiffs were suing the officials as individuals for personal liability—not trying to raid the state treasury—it wasn’t really a suit against the state.

Second: the Court flatly rejected the idea that a governor gets absolute executive immunity. Instead, it held the immunity is only qualified—it varies with the official’s discretion and responsibilities, and turns on the circumstances as they reasonably appeared at the time. In other words, good faith and reasonableness matter.

The Court didn’t rule on whether Rhodes himself was liable—it just said the case couldn’t be thrown out on immunity grounds at the starting gate, and sent it back down for trial.

In that opinion, SCOTUS laid the groundwork that the good faith immunity for cops we mentioned earlier could also apply to a governor or other executive branch officials.

Score update.

1974: You can still sue officials for abusing their authority—but now governors and other executive-branch officials join the club: they get qualified immunity too, shielded so long as they acted reasonably and in good faith. Absolute immunity for executives? Rejected.

~ 1975 ~

Next case in this saga, Wood v. Strickland (1975).

It all started when three young female students at Mena Public High School (MHS) in Mena, Arkansas were mighty fucking bored, as is everyone in Arkansas. So at a school function, they decided to spike the fucking punch with some garbage malt liquor they bought across state lines.

Not all heroes wear capes.

That shit barely registered on the alcohol scale though, it came in at a measly 0.91% by volume…pussies. Definitely not worth getting in trouble over.

Anyway, a teacher named Mrs. Powell got them to confess to her by saying she’d handle it if they did. But then, MHS Principal Duddy Waller started snooping around after the gossip mill was in high gear, leaving Powell unable to contain it as she promised. So Powell was like, sorry you little bitches, only god can help you now—I’m out. I’m not losing my job over Malt Liquorgate.

Principal Waller suspended the students for two weeks, pending a hearing by the school board, which then expelled them for the rest of the semester—without letting the students attend the hearing and argue their side.

They were given a second hearing where they did attend, but the school board wasn’t swayed and upheld the suspension.

Honestly not sure what their side could have been—”We spiked the punch because we heard alcohol is good for developing young brains?”

Anyway, one of those board members was John Wood (the lead petitioner in the SCOTUS case). Let’s get into their arguments, because it’s some good nerdy law shit.

SCOTUS 1975

First, we’ll talk about a legal principle called “reliance.” We’re all familiar with plea deals, right? A prosecutor says, “Tell me everything and I’ll take the death penalty off the table” or something like that. The person only confessed because they were “relying” on the offered deal. The courts expect the government to honor such deals faithfully, lest they become so dubious criminals would stop making deals altogether.

Well, same thing here, just at a lower level. They confessed to Powell because she said she’d handle the punishment herself if they did. They “relied” on what she told them when they agreed to fess up. But that promise evaporated once it went up the chain to the board. So her “plea deal” got tossed—which, in their view, was fundamentally unfair.

A second issue was procedural due process—basically, the right to a fair hearing. She and her parents weren’t even allowed in the room during the board’s initial deliberations—so how the fuck did they get a fair ruling? Even if they did finally get a bite of the apple at that second hearing, the damage was done.

Third, and the one a lower court seemed to care about most when it sided with the students, is substantive due process. This is where it gets nerdy on a whole new scale.

The school’s policy banned intoxicating beverages—So that was the rule the students were charged with breaking.

So the students argued that the punch, which tested at 0.91% ABV, couldn’t have gotten a fly drunk. Therefore, it wasn’t “intoxicating” under their rule. So they reasoned, they weren’t in violation of anything.

These were pretty solid arguments by the two students who chose to sue—seems like they had some good lawyers.

SCOTUS was unimpressed though—but not in the way you’d guess. Instead of ruling cleanly for either side, it announced a brand-new rule and sent the case back to the lower court to reconsider accordingly. That rule is now a cornerstone of qualified immunity as we know it.

They said that school officials are immune from § 1983 damages unless they knew—or reasonably should have known—that what they were doing would violate a student’s constitutional rights, or unless they acted with malicious intent.

Or as the dissent characterized it:

Being morons, you can’t expect them to understand the law well enough to know if they’re violating someone’s civil rights, for purposes of a § 1983 violation—they’re trained to be teachers, not stewards of the law.

But let’s be clear—there are limits to that shit.

Don’t walk your ass into court after beating some kid’s ass with Lucille from Walking Dead, and ask the court to assume you didn’t fucking know better.

Lucille – Walking Dead

As for the students’ clever weak-liquor argument—SCOTUS wasn’t buying it. It held the board’s reading of its own rule (no alcohol, period—not just the strong stuff) was reasonable and backed by evidence. So they punted the lower court’s ruling in the students’ favor. Mens rea, it turns out, doesn’t haunt a school handbook the way it haunts a criminal statute.

Score Update:

1975: Judges: still absolute. Cops, governors, executives: still good-faith. New this round—school officials get folded in, under a ‘knew or should have known, or acted with malice’ standard.

~ 1978 ~

Next, we’re going to take a small detour and discuss a case called Monell v. Department of Social Services of the City of New York (1978)

This case isn’t about qualified immunity, but it profoundly changed § 1983 litigation.

At this time in history, pregnant women weren’t protected by labor laws like they are today. These particular women, employees of New York City, got knocked up and were forced to take an unpaid leave of absence under department rules, even before it was medically necessary.

The women thought this was unconstitutional bullshit and sued the city, seeking backpay for their grievance.

While a district court agreed it was unconstitutional, it didn’t agree these prego ladies could sue the city for wages, because the city wasn’t a person acting under color of law, as stated in our aforementioned Monroe v. Pape case.

SCOTUS, however, decided that this was an official decision by the city, therefore, the city can be treated like a person in situations like this, and sued under § 1983.

This matters because most government officials earn a modest income and have debt like the rest of us. It’s a good job, but they’re rarely getting rich. So if you sue them, they’re likely what’s known in the legal biz as “judgment-proof.” This just means that even if you win a judgment against them, they don’t have the money to pay it.

A million dollar judgment against someone with $57 in the bank isn’t going to go the way you hope—you know—the blood-turnip thing.

So the promise of this ruling is that § 1983 doesn’t just leave you stuck with a broke individual anymore—there’s a path to reach the government behind them, and governments have deep pockets.

It’s fair to ask yourself: If a cop goes rogue—isn’t following orders, wasn’t trained that way, etc.—is it really fair to make the taxpayers pay for the official’s wrongdoing?

That’s a fair point, in my opinion. If I were king for a day, I’d say this: if the government sanctioned the bad act, trained the cop to do it, or looked the other way on prior complaints against that officer for similar acts—then arguably they should be liable. Otherwise, I think it seems fair to limit the liability to just the bad actor(s) alone.

But with this ruling, SCOTUS opened the door to successful § 1983 claims against the individual and now to the government they worked for. You’re still a heavy underdog to win a § 1983 claim, but if you do, you might finally win a life-changing settlement.

Score Update:

1978: Judges: still absolute. Cops, governors, executives: still good-faith. School officials have a ‘knew or should have known, or acted with malice’ standard.

Now, there’s a path to sue the government itself where applicable.

~ 1982 ~

Next we’ll time travel to four years in the “qualified immunity” future and discuss Harlow v. Fitzgerald (1982).

Ernest Fitzgerald, an Air Force analyst, testified before Congress about some eye-watering cost overruns on a cargo plane—$2 billion worth. Fourteen months later, his job was mysteriously “eliminated,” leaving him jobless.

He sued then-President Nixon and the two aides who orchestrated it—Bryce Harlow and Alexander Butterfield. He claimed he was canned for testifying, not because the job was genuinely unneeded, and he wanted compensated for the loss of income.

Ernest Fitzgerald

But here’s a wrinkle worth understanding. Remember the actual text of § 1983? It only reaches someone acting “under color of any statute, ordinance, regulation, custom, or usage, of any State or Territory.”

The statute only targets state and local officials. It says nothing about federal ones. So a city cop, a county sheriff, a state trooper, a public school board? All fair game under § 1983. A federal agent, a soldier, a presidential aide? Not covered.

This left a gaping hole for most of American history. You basically couldn’t sue a federal official for violating your constitutional rights, because no statute provided a vehicle for you to do so.

The courts finally plugged that hole in 1971 with Bivens v. Six Unknown Named Agents, inventing a damages remedy against federal officials out of whole cloth. Think of Bivens as § 1983’s judge-made federal cousin—same idea (sue the official who violated your rights), different entity (federal instead of state).

Since Fitzgerald was suing federal officials, his case rode in on Bivens, not § 1983.

But here’s why it still matters for our story: the immunity rules the Court laid down, they ruled, apply to both vehicles. So this federal case ends up rewriting the qualified-immunity standard for § 1983 cases too.

In an 8-1 decision, SCOTUS sided with Harlow, one of the presidential aides who “fired” Fitzgerald. But what they did regarding qualified immunity was eliminate the good-faith exception and replace it with an objective one.

They felt that trying to get in someone’s head and prove mens rea is pretty fucking hard, and they simply didn’t need to. So they decided instead that if the constitutional right they violated was clearly established law at the time, and the government miscreant reasonably should have known as much, then they can be sued.

That “clearly established” part may sound simple, but it is shady as fuck. Even though the opinion didn’t say it directly, this generally meant the courts must have previously ruled that what the government officials did was a violation before anyone else can sue for it.

This official 1982 portrait of the Supreme Court shows, seated, from left: Justices Thurgood Marshall, William Brennan Jr., Chief Justice Warren Burger, Justices Byron White and Harry Blackmun. Standing, from left, are: Justices John Paul Stevens, Lewis Powell, William Rehnquist and Sandra Day O’Connor. Four members, Chief Justice Warren Burger and Justices Marshall, Blackmun, and Stevens, once labored in greater anonymity as federal appeals court judges. U.S. Supreme Court

There are exceptions, which we’ll get to later, but the net effect is a catch-22. If no one ever won in court before, the case is dead on arrival without even getting to argue the merits. No new precedent can be created to satisfy “clearly established” in the future, so bad government actors can just keep doing that unconstitutional thing without ever having it ruled as a violation. Not cool, SCOTUS, not cool.

Side note: they also added presidential aides to the list of people who get qualified immunity.

Scoring update:

1982: You can still sue government officials for abusing their authority. Judges are completely off the table.

For everyone else, a good faith defense is gone. Now replaced with the “clearly established constitutional violation” rule: no prior caselaw, no lawsuit.

New paradox unlocked.

~ 1985 ~

Next up, we have Mitchell v. Forsyth (1985). This case started in 1970 when John Mitchell was Nixon’s Attorney General. Based on FBI intel, he suspected the ironically named East Coast Conspiracy to Save Lives (ECCSL) was going to blow up a tunnel connecting two federal buildings, and/or kidnap Henry Kissinger.

So Mitchell issued a warrantless wiretap for ECCSL member William Davidon, who called anti-war activist Keith Forsyth—both Americans.

Not going to go too deep in the woods here, but three years earlier, in Katz v. United States (1967), SCOTUS had already ruled you need a warrant to wiretap somebody in a normal criminal case.

What Katz didn’t settle was whether that rule still held when the government hollered “national security.”

That gray area is exactly the loophole Mitchell tried to drive a truck through. It wouldn’t get closed until two years later, when SCOTUS decided in United States v. U.S. District Court (1972) that if you want to wiretap Americans—national security excuse or not—get a fucking warrant, full stop.

Government is free to wiretap non-Americans not in America, because the Fourth Amendment obviously doesn’t apply to foreign nationals on foreign soil. But Mitchell was spying on Americans.

Anyway, because the Court ruled warrantless wiretaps were unconstitutional, we had a “clearly established constitutional violation” going forward.

But remember how we said cops can’t predict the future? Mitchell couldn’t know that two years later, SCOTUS would ban warrantless wiretaps of Americans entirely. So Forsyth was shit out of luck.

Up to this point, if a government official was going to claim qualified immunity, it would happen at trial where they raised it as a defense. But the courts opted to insert a fast lane to obtain a “get out of jail free” card. They made qualified immunity a procedural protection you could raise and immediately appeal before the trial even started.

So now, even if you had a legitimate “clearly established constitutional violation” claim, the government official could appeal immediately—freezing everything. No discovery, no depositions, no legal maneuvers to help you solidify your case, zip, zilch, zero, nada. The government agent can stall until all their appeals are exhausted while your case lies dying in legal purgatory.

We already established it was nearly impossible for an aggrieved citizen to win a § 1983 claim, but now the courts made it so you had to potentially wait for years, denying you the ability to demand evidence to make your claim. The legal term for this is, Fututus es. (Latin for “you have been fucked.”)

Score Update:

1985: You can still sue officials for abusing their authority. Judges: completely off the table.

Paradox #1 stands: the ‘clearly established’ rule—no prior ruling on point, no case.

Paradox #2 unlocked: officials can appeal an immunity denial before trial even starts, freezing discovery. Can’t get the evidence, can’t build the case. Fututus es

~1987 ~

Next notch on the qualified immunity belt came two years later with Anderson v. Creighton (1987).

FBI Agent Russell Anderson was on the hunt for suspected bank robber Vadaain Dixon, who had supposedly withdrawn money from a bank earlier that day using a gun instead of a withdrawal slip.

Anderson claimed he had probable cause to believe Dixon was at the home of Robert Creighton Jr., (a black man—I’m sensing a theme) and his family.

So he and his team, without a warrant, went to the Creighton home and knocked on the door. When Creighton opened, they pushed him aside and forced their way in.

Creighton asked for a warrant and was told they didn’t need one, which is true if there’s probable cause coupled with exigent circumstances.

Sidebar: Probable cause is just a fancy way of saying a reasonable person, looking at the facts, would think it’s likely a crime happened, this is the guy, the evidence is in here, etc. It’s more than a hunch, less than certainty. It’s the baseline cops need before they can arrest you, search you, or get a warrant. It can’t just be a gut feeling.

Exigent circumstances is legalese for “there’s no time to screw around getting a warrant.”

Normally, to enter your home, cops need a warrant—the home gets the strongest protection there is. But if there’s a genuine emergency—someone’s about to get hurt, the suspect’s about to bolt, evidence is about to get flushed—they can skip the warrant and go in. The key word is emergency. No emergency, no shortcut.

So to bust into a home without a warrant, you need both: probable cause (good reason to think the guy’s in there) and exigent circumstances (a real emergency that won’t wait). Without either one, the government needs a warrant.

If we assume Anderson was being truthful and acting in good faith, and he really believed Dixon was in the Creighton home, you might justify him being a dick to Creighton, and he most certainly was.

That said, Creighton’s daughter was screaming in terror, and the officer yelled at her to shut up and sit her ass down, then grabbed her arm, injuring it so bad she had to go to the emergency room later.

His wife also asked for a warrant and was forcefully told again that one wasn’t needed, then cordially invited her to shut the fuck up.

So even if you give them a pass on how they handled Creighton—there’s no justifying what they did to his wife and daughter.

When Creighton led officers to his garage as part of the search, an officer punched him and knocked him to the ground. He was then arrested on baseless obstruction charges and spent the night in the pokey before being released when cops realized they had nothing on him.

What we know now is that Dixon was not at the Creighton home, and there’s no evidence he ever was.

You can imagine Creighton was pissed—I sure as hell would be. So he sued—as I sure as hell would have.

The first question I wanted an answer to: what was the probable cause? Reasonable question, right?

Yet I don’t have that information—do you know why? Creighton’s lawyers couldn’t fucking demand it in discovery, because qualified immunity can now be claimed at the outset instead of as a defense during trial.

See the problem now?

Creighton should be able to demand information about why they knocked on his fucking door, in order to determine if the officer was there for good reason. If he was there for an unlawful reason, that’s absolutely a violation of his rights—a reasonable basis for winning a § 1983 claim, or Bivens claim in this case—Anderson was a fed.

Since it was a warrantless search, that is a clearly established rights violation—which means qualified immunity shouldn’t protect Anderson, right?

Well, here’s why this case matters. SCOTUS again added a new layer of protection for officers: even if Anderson’s search was unconstitutional, he’s entitled to qualified immunity as long as he reasonably believed it was legal.

Sure, it was a warrantless search that violated the Fourth Amendment—but Scalia said you can’t define the right that broadly. The specific conduct has to be clearly established as illegal, not just spun out of a general principle like “warrantless searches violate the Fourth Amendment.”

Antonin Scalia – Associate Justice: Supreme Court of the United States
Served 1986-2016
Lived: 1936-2016

Meaning, you can’t argue that a particular action violated the Fourth Amendment and therefore any such violation is “clearly established” for purposes of qualified immunity. The specific action—here, a warrantless home search with claimed exigent circumstances—has to be the thing that’s clearly established as unlawful. Otherwise, qualified immunity applies.

I know this is maddening—it’s maddening for me writing it. But you can see the other argument. Five-0 certainly have a tough job. Sometimes they have to react quickly and instinctively, and might get it wrong. We don’t want a good person, trying to do a good thing, to make a mistake and end up in bankruptcy court for it. Fine! I’ll accept that.

However, this position is incredibly short-sighted and assumes things that are often untrue. In this case, Agent Anderson wasn’t in some “I have to react in a split-second” scenario. He and his team had ample opportunity to sit on the house while someone fetched a warrant—they simply chose not to.

So while I accept the court’s desire to protect well-intentioned coppers, I think it’s inexcusable that nine of the premier legal experts in the country so obviously created an avoidable set of paradoxes. I refuse to accept they couldn’t do better.

Justice Stevens in his dissent was certainly furious. He argued that officers already have some protection, because they get the benefit of the doubt on whether probable cause existed. Now they get a second layer that says even if they were wrong, as long as they thought they were right, they’re still immune? That’s ridiculous, and he knew it.

Score update:

1987: You can still sue officials for abusing their authority. Judges: still off the table.

Paradox #1 gets worse: the violation must now be ‘clearly established’ at a specific level—not the general principle (warrantless search bad), but the exact conduct. And good faith sneaks back in the side door: if the officer reasonably believed their action was legal, they’re immune.

Paradox #2 still stands: officials can appeal before trial, freezing discovery

~ 2001 ~

The next wrinkle in qualified immunity came in 2001 with Saucier v. Katz.

In 1994, at the Presidio Army Base, Vice President Al “I invented the internet” Gore was giving a speech. Elliot Katz was no fan of Gore’s promotion of the national parks at this speech—he was a big animal rights guy. He thought the new park would willingly allow some untoward animal testing, so he decided to protest.

Former Vice President Al Gore

As Gore began to speak, Katz unfurled his banner which read— “Please Keep Animal Torture Out of Our National Parks”—and approached the stage. MP Officer Donald Saucier saw it going down and was like, “absolutely not!”

Saucier and a cohort grabbed Katz and pulled his ass outta there. Katz had a knee brace and wasn’t able to walk very fast, so the officers largely dragged him, then supposedly brutally shoved him into a van.

Katz sued and alleged they used excessive force on him, despite having no injuries to speak of. Saucier, as you’d expect, invoked qualified immunity.

SCOTUS, having recognized they had some serious paradoxes with qualified immunity rules they had made, decided to create a new two-step process to help resolve it in this case.

Their process was simple:

  • First: taking the facts in the light most favorable to the plaintiff, did the officer’s conduct violate a constitutional right?
  • Second: if “Yes” to the above, was that right clearly established at the time in the specific context of the case, not as a broad general proposition?

Before this new wrinkle, the right had to be clearly established by prior court rulings—which the paradox prevented. But now, courts had to answer the merits question first—did the officer’s conduct violate a constitutional right? Answering that first puts a ruling on the books and “clearly establishes” that violation for future cases. And THEN they’d decide whether it was already clearly established at the time.

Now, if your rights were violated, you could be the sacrificial lamb for others to benefit from, but you still couldn’t win yourself. You don’t get anything but a sense of having done your civic duty for future victims.

The problem with this fix is that it had multiple egregious unintended consequences. If qualified immunity is still applied at the beginning, before the discovery phase, the trial, the merits, etc., then it’s nearly impossible for courts to obtain evidence to “clearly establish” this as a rights violation—they don’t have access to all the facts!

Because courts were ruling on such thin, incomplete records, they set bad precedent, invited a flood of appeals, and made their own jobs harder—all while degrading the quality of their work.

I applaud Justice Kennedy for trying to fix the paradox with his majority opinion, but again, I’m struggling to believe nine of the country’s preeminent legal masterminds couldn’t do better.

Anthony Kennedy – Associate Justice: Supreme Court of the United States
Served: 1988-2018

Score Update:

2001: You can still sue officials for abusing their authority. Judges: still off the table.

Still in effect: the violation must be ‘clearly established’ specifically, not generally; and officials who reasonably believed they were acting legally are immune.

New this round—a paradox patch: courts must decide the merits first (was it a violation?), which puts a ruling on the books for future cases. Then they check whether it was clearly established at the time.

Paradox #1 gone, #2 not so much.

~ 2002 ~

The next case we’ll discuss is rather disturbing, but arguably a step in the right direction. It’s Hope v. Pelzer 2002.

The disturbing parts are the facts of the case. Larry Hope was an inmate at Limestone Prison in Alabama, and was assigned to “chain gang” duty. The Tuscaloosa News notes that he was in the big house on robbery, escape, rape, and drug possession charges. He clearly wasn’t a model citizen, so I accept you may have to work hard to feel sympathy for him, but that shouldn’t matter.

While in prison, guards twice handcuffed Hope to a hitching post for being “disruptive”—the second time for seven hours in the Alabama sun with no shirt. His arms were cuffed above his shoulders, cutting off circulation until he lost feeling in them.

Larry Hope was tied to a post at the Limestone Correctional Facility in Harvest, Alabama, in 1995. James Nachtwey Archive, Hood Museum of Art, Dartmouth

Over those seven hours he was given water once or twice with no bathroom breaks at all—forcing him to piss himself.

Here’s the kicker: two months earlier, the U.S. Justice Department had already told Alabama flat-out that the hitching post was unconstitutional. They used it on Hope anyway. Which makes it pretty hard for the state to argue nobody knew this was a violation.

The lower courts, trying to apply these “impossible to overcome” qualified immunity rules, argued the guards were entitled to qualified immunity.

But SCOTUS, in a rare move, surprisingly said no—the facts were so clearly a violation of Hope’s rights that the guards had to know it was unconstitutional, even without a prior case on point. Obviousness alone was enough to clear the bar in this case.

Even SCOTUS and its deference to government officials had heard enough. They knew what § 1983’s intent was, and while they tended to shield government officials for good-faith actions, it was plainly obvious that this wasn’t that.

In so doing, they set a precedent letting lower courts make an exception to applying qualified immunity in cases where the violation is so obvious that no official could plausibly claim they didn’t know it was wrong.

SCOTUS 2002

So did this actually change things? Sort of. For nearly two decades, Hope’s caselaw mostly gathered dust—lower courts largely ignored it, and the mountain of pro-immunity Supreme Court rulings buried it.

One UCLA Law Review study reviewing 210 appellate qualified-immunity decisions found the “obvious violation” escape hatch got used, but sparingly and inconsistently across circuits. It wasn’t until 2020—in Taylor v. Riojas—that the Supreme Court dusted Hope off and reminded everyone it was still valid.

This more rigorous study from Bailey D. Barnes, called “The Obvious Violation Exception to Qualified Immunity: An Empirical Study” covers in greater detail how lower courts are using these “obvious” cases too sparingly.

The Taylor v. Riojas case is a little different, because it’s a per curiam opinion—meaning it comes from the court as a whole, not one particular author. It was also decided without oral argument. That usually happens when the Court takes a case but finds the lower court’s ruling so obviously wrong that it doesn’t need more—it just summarily reverses.

What was so obvious about that one?

The facts of this case were that Trent Taylor, an inmate in Texas, was held in a prison psychiatric unit for mental health care. For six days, guards confined him across two cells. The first was covered in shit—and I mean literally, nearly floor to ceiling: the floor, the walls, the window, even packed inside the water faucet. It was left there by a previous inmate, and they put Taylor in that cell without cleaning it in any way. Taylor was so afraid of contamination he didn’t eat or drink for nearly four days.

The second cell they moved him to was frigidly cold—no furniture, no toilet, just a clogged drain in the floor. He held his bladder for over 24 hours, but eventually his body gave out, and when he relieved himself the clogged drain overflowed, flooding the cell.

With no bunk and no clothing, he was left to sleep naked on the floor, in a cold room, in raw sewage.

Trent Taylor

The guards made statements such as “he’s going to have a long weekend,” and another guard said he hoped he’d “fucking freeze.”

Again, SCOTUS reversed a lower court that had handed the guards qualified immunity—holding that the conditions were so obviously unconstitutional that any reasonable officer should have known better. They pointed to the guard’s own statements as proof.

Score Update:

2002: You can still sue officials for abusing their authority. Judges: still off the table. All the usual paradoxes still apply.

New this round: if the violation is a blatant and obvious rights violation, qualified immunity won’t save your ass, even with no case on point to clearly establish it as a violation.

~ 2009 ~

Back to our timeline. Finally, in this seemingly never-ending saga was Pearson v. Callahan (2009).

In 2002, Afton Callahan decided to break bad and started slinging crystal meth like he was going to be the inspiration for Walter White or something.

The Utah police employed a connoisseur of meth himself, an individual named Brian Bartholomew. He liked helping cops more than he liked the idea of going to jail, so he opted to assist Utah detectives in a sting operation to bust Callahan.

First, he went in and set up the buy to go down later. He left, the cops handed him a marked $100 bill, and he went back in.

Armed only with a microphone and cops hiding outside, Bartholomew went back and completed the meth purchase he’d set up earlier.

Bartholomew gave the magic word for cops to come in and yell, “Gotcha,” and they burst through the door like the Kool-Aid man.

You’ll notice I didn’t mention a warrant—this was a warrantless search. However, there’s a doctrine in play called “consent once removed.” It basically goes like this:

Hopefully we all know that if an officer asks if they can come in, and you say yes, they can come in—no warrant needed, right? Eerily similar to vampire rules, but let’s not dwell on that.

That’s consent.

If officers see evidence of a crime in your home, they can use that evidence in court against you because you fucking let them in. It’s as if you never watched a single god damn vampire movie—fuck!

Anyway, sure, Callahan didn’t allow cops in, but he did allow Bartholomew in, and Bartholomew had a secret Batphone to signal the cops if he saw some criminal shit.

So the “consent once removed” doctrine says: because Callahan let Bartholomew in, and Bartholomew then witnessed the deal go down, that consent extended to the cops Bartholomew was working with—letting them come in after—no warrant needed.

If it seems shady, imagine a different scenario where we have a suspected kidnapper of a five-year-old. They of course won’t let cops come in to search their home But what if cops talked their mom to help out. So cops send her in all covertly and shit, she tells them via a wire that she sees the kidnapped lad, and boom! They bust in to save the day.

Surely that’s OK, right? Well, same principle.

Here’s the problem: officers orchestrated everything. This shit took some planning to get Bartholomew in place, set up the buy, etc. Yet not one fucking cop had the wherewithal to think, “maybe I should go get a god damn warrant.”

Bartholomew had gone into Callahan’s shithole earlier wearing his wire, asked for meth, and set up the buy. Cops had probable-cause falling out of their assholes. Getting a warrant at that point would have been easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy.

So Callahan reasoned exigent circumstances didn’t apply because they had ample opportunity to get a warrant and didn’t. Therefore, Fourth Amendment violation—checkmate, bitches!

The 10th Circuit had a problem with this, though. Unlike other courts that had extended it, they believed the “consent-once-removed” doctrine only applies to undercover cops, not informants.

Remember, this is about you consenting for an officer to come in. So they reasoned: if you let an undercover cop in, you technically let the cops in. But if you just let in an informant, you didn’t consent to a cop—that’s just some random schmo. They also figured a cop understands the law and what makes a search lawful, which they felt was important.

On appeal, it went up to SCOTUS, and in a weird move, they decided not only to hear the case and answer the questions in front of them (which is typically all that they do) but they also asked whether the Saucier two-step process needed to go away as well. Because of the problems we noted, it had become a nightmare of jurisprudence, so they opted to “fix” it here.

SCOTUS decided the two steps didn’t have to be steps anymore—just prongs. They could be answered in whatever order the court saw fit.

Which obviously means we’re back in Paradoxland. If courts jump straight to the second prong, they never reach the first—and now a violation never gets “clearly established.” I’m guessing Anthony Kennedy was screaming at his cohorts, “I gave you one fucking job!”

Not saying the courts are lazy, but answering the first question required extra work. So they now had an incentive and a right to just not do that work anymore—so they didn’t.

Score update:

2009: You can still sue officials for abusing their authority. Judges: still off the table. All the prior rules still stand—clearly-established-at-a-specific-level, reasonable-belief immunity, the works.

What’s new: the Saucier two-step is now optional. Courts can answer the two prongs in any order—which means they can skip the ‘was it even a violation?’ question entirely and just rule ‘not clearly established.’ So violations keep happening without ever getting clearly established. Paradox #1, reopened.

This is largely where qualified immunity stands now.


So let’s think skeptically about this. We can understand that the Court is trying to protect government officials acting in good faith—that’s a fair and reasonable goal.

You can also see where it’s fair to say that cops in particular are often faced with split-second decisions, and again, may act with good intentions but get it wrong.

Here’s where I think it starts to break down.

Many of these actions by cops were not split-second well-intentioned decisions. They were premeditated, corrupt, unconstitutional and unlawful acts. The courts have drawn such distinctions before, so they damn well should be able to draw them now.

Justice Kennedy, when he and the majority created the two-step process, clearly identified a paradox. The country’s highest court couldn’t figure this out sooner?

They knew the history of § 1983. When they interpret law, their job is to help ensure the outcome Congress intended when it passes one.

While I can concede some good intentions from the Court, I cannot abide the willful manipulation of a statute with caselaw that creates a nearly impossible situation for anyone trying to win a claim against the government under § 1983.

They knew there are bad government actors out there doing bad things, and that § 1983 is there as a remedy for that. They also knew why that statute existed in the first place. It’s shameful of the Court not to fix the flawed applications of it over the years. It’s additionally disgusting because it’s a problem they created.

It’s worth noting that this is somewhat apolitical. Clarence Thomas, usually a right-wing voice, has consistently opposed qualified immunity, for the same reasons he, Alito, and the majority overruled Roe v. Wade: the rules they were making weren’t rooted in statutory or constitutional text, they were made up by the court. Something he feels the court should not do.

Associate Justice Clarence Thomas

Samuel Alito didn’t get the memo, though—he’s sided with qualified immunity all along, and even wrote the majority opinion in Pearson. It’s an obviously hypocritical position considering his reasoning for overruling Roe was that the courts shouldn’t be making up rules from whole cloth.

Between qualified immunity making civil suits nearly impossible, and the “willfully” standard making criminal convictions almost unwinnable, cops who violate your rights are largely untouchable on both fronts, based on current court interpretations.

That’s a fucking problem!

And here’s the part that should really piss you off. Even in the rare case where a plaintiff does win—clears the qualified immunity gauntlet, survives the pre-trial appeals, gets a judgment—the cop usually doesn’t pay a dime of it—you do.

A national study by UCLA law professor Joanna Schwartz found that governments paid 99.98% of the money plaintiffs recovered in police misconduct suits—about $730 million over the study period. The officers themselves covered the other 0.02%. And it gets worse: officers almost never chipped in even when they were disciplined, fired, or criminally prosecuted for what they did—and they never once paid a punitive damages award.

Professor Joanna Schwartz

So think about what that means for the “deterrence” argument.

The theory behind letting people sue is that the threat of paying damages keeps officials honest.

But if the officer never pays—if the taxpayer foots the bill every single time—then that deterrent effect is essentially zero. Taxpayers are stuck picking up the tab for the bad acts of dirty cops.

You don’t have to assume a single cop is thinking “I’ll never pay for this” to see the problem. Strip away the personal consequence, and you’ve built a system that quietly tolerates abhorrent behavior when it has a mechanism to punish it.

It’s also worth understanding that if a cop commits a crime, there are a lot of issues in play that many don’t think about. The prosecutor who’d have to charge them is often someone they work with every day. That brotherhood—the willingness to overlook things because you’re on the same team—is real, documented, and problematic.

This brings me to a broader point. If you’re anti-cop or anti-government, it makes sense you’d hate qualified immunity and the toothless enforcement of § 242—you see it as cops evading justice, and it certainly can be.

But I’d argue, even if you’re pro-police, you should have a problem with these protections as well.

Decades ago, police were revered. Kids wanted to grow up to be cops. Andy Griffith and Dragnet reruns were on TV, Dirty Harry was considered a hero by most people, not the serial rights violator he obviously was. The police were culturally considered pretty cool.

But with modern generations, that’s changed. Bad cops doing bad things get caught now—by professional media, or by average citizens who all carry cameras in their pockets and post the footage straight to social media. That visibility has severely weakened the once-sterling image cops used to enjoy, because now everyone can see when they cross the line and usually face zero consequences for it.

This isn’t abstract. Cops have been assaulted and even killed in apparent retaliation for misconduct other officers committed—ambushes and attacks fueled by rage at a system that never seems to hold bad cops accountable. When people lose all faith that the badge will ever be checked, some of them decide to check it themselves—and it’s often good cops who pay that price.

If police truly care about the mission—protecting and serving the public—they must abandon this “brothers in blue” mentality and be ready to hang any “brother” out to dry the moment he/she commits a crime or act of corruption. But they rarely do.

As a prime example, you may recall Drew Peterson—a Bolingbrook, Illinois police sergeant eventually convicted of murdering his third wife, Kathleen Savio. Before her death, police had been called to Savio’s home eighteen times over domestic disputes. Savio herself reportedly feared Drew would kill her and wrote that he wanted her dead.

But he was one of them, a cop, and her death was initially written off as an accidental drowning. It wasn’t reinvestigated until years later, after his fourth wife, Stacy, vanished without a trace, too.

Savio wrote to a local prosecutor that she’d repeatedly ended up in the emergency room, and that when she reported the abuse, police would “leave my home without filing any reports.” In her words: “He knows how to manipulate the system. His next step is to take my children away, or kill me instead.”

The police had a duty to investigate Savio’s claims, but because the accused was one of their own, no fair argument can be made that they applied any scrutiny to Peterson at all—they let it go every single time. Had they done their job, she might still be alive.

Kathleen Savio

Every cop should know this story, and every cop should be ashamed that things like this are tolerated among their ranks. If they don’t, they are a disgrace to their badge.

Even if prosecutors want to go after the offending officer—and few do, since they’re coworkers, remember—the officer’s fellow cops will often refuse to cooperate or help gather evidence against one of their own.

It goes beyond cops and prosecutors, though. Executive branch politicians are their bosses, and those people want votes. If a city or state has bad cops in their midst, it reflects poorly on the executives in charge of them. So they often sweep it under the rug to avoid the impression of incompetence.

The courts, however, have no excuse—and this is why qualified immunity is so infuriating. In the rare case where a prosecutor, fellow officers, and local officials all show the courage to go after a bad cop, the courts step in and protect them anyway. So the message becomes: even for a bad cop, leave ’em alone.

I seem to recall this country was founded on defying unjust government. Our founding fathers created the Second Amendment so we’d always have the means to shoot unjust government.

Allow my friends Penn & Teller to explain that bit, if you don’t know what I’m talking about.

The court repeatedly suggests that they will take into account the history and tradition of our country when interpreting laws and the constitution, yet qualified immunity, every step of the way, flies in the face of that.


So how do we fix this? It’s actually pretty simple. If the Court is interpreting the constitution, and the people want to change that interpretation, it requires a constitutional amendment. But, if they’re interpreting a statute, it just requires Congress to pass a new one.

42 U.S.C. § 1983 is a statute. Congress can simply amend it to remove some or all of the protections the Court has built through qualified immunity, and they should do it tomorrow—this madness needs to stop.

It might surprise you that I’m sympathetic to the argument for good faith exceptions to liability—not everything the Court did here is crazy. Congress could incorporate the good parts into an amended statute, and thank the Court for the suggestions.

But so many of these actions above weren’t that—yet they went unpunished. That’s not OK.

Any reasonable person would conclude that many of those bad government officials knew better. If we know anything about American history and our Constitution, we know our founding fathers didn’t want bad government officials to be shielded—they wanted them dead, or at least in prison. It’s time we demand our congresspeople fix this or vote them out.

#EndQualifiedImmunity

Average Joe SCOTUS Landmark Cases: Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission

I’ve been meaning to get to this one for a while because it’s often talked about and almost always misunderstood. I’ve watched people hold viscerally strong opinions on this case who couldn’t tell you who Citizens United are, what questions were before the court, or any other basic facts of the case. They just know what the news, pundits, or their chosen political tribe told them—which is usually somewhere between incomplete and flat-out wrong.

Many journalists don’t have a background in law, probably didn’t read the opinion nor listen to the arguments, and instead just reported what they thought it meant based on what others have said. I hope we all understand that second-hand info is shit.

If you want to understand a court’s opinion, you really either need to go to the source itself, or at least look at an analysis from someone with a background in law. If you’re desperate, you can read my shit.


The Facts of the Case

Back in 2002, Congress passed the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act (BCRA), also known as McCain-Feingold.

FYI—BCRA is an acronym. The justices and solicitors don’t say “The Bee-See-Arr-Ay,” which would be more formal—they just say “Bickra.” I’ll do the same throughout this piece—leaving out the “the” before BCRA. So when you see BCRA, that’s what you should hear in your head. I don’t want anyone thinking my grammar is more trash than it already is.

One of BCRA‘s goals was limiting the amount of money that could be spent on political campaigns. The prevailing wisdom is that money buys elections. More importantly, it potentially buys quid pro quo corruption, or at least gives the appearance of it.

Also, ever noticed how candidates in ads always say, “I’m Cunty McCunterson, and I approve this message?” That’s also from BCRA. The thought was that if politicians had to attach their names to ads, they’d be less likely to run nasty or misleading ones, for fear of looking untoward.

Senators John McCain (R) left, and Russ Feingold (D) right

As it turns out, with both of Trump’s victories, data suggests he spent less than his opponents, so maybe this argument isn’t so strong.

[Editorial: I suspect if you have enough money to get your ads and information out there, that might be sufficient. And frankly, if the other side overspends and inundates you with ads, you might actually be repulsed by it. But who knows, right? I sure as fuck don’t. Psychology is weird, man.]

BCRA did a few things worth mentioning here.

  • A Soft Money Ban: Limited political party committees from accepting or spending funds not subject to federal limits.
  • Electioneering Communications: Restricted unions and corporations from funding television ads that mention a federal candidate within 30 days of a primary or 60 days of a general election.

    [Sidebar: Up to this point, 441b of the Federal Election Campaign Act (FECA) of 1971 only banned the use of corporate treasury funds for express advocacy of a candidate.

    Section 203 of BCRA amended 441b of FECA to include a ban on such funds being used for electioneering communications as well.

    We’ll cover express advocacy and electioneering communications in a bit, but just know that these provisions were pivotal in this case.

    You may hear the justices and petitioners refer to 203 or 441b throughout this case. They’re essentially interchangeable for our purposes since one simply modified the other.]
  • “Stand By Your Ad” Provision: Required candidates to include statements in advertisements identifying themselves and stating they approved the message.

The bill was sponsored by John McCain (R) and Russ Feingold (D) and was signed into law by President George W Bush (R)—so it was a truly bipartisan effort.

Before we go further, I probably need to explain Political Action Committees (PACs), too.

Currently, if you want to personally donate to Cunty McCunterson’s campaign, you may give them only $3,300 per candidate per election.

George W. Bush

If you own a company, however, and you want to write a check to McCunterson’s campaign from the company’s bank account, that’s a big no-no. What you can do instead is form a PAC.

PACs have certain requirements, like disclosing who put money into the PAC.

Your PAC can gather no more than $5,000, and give it to McCunterson’s campaign to use how they see fit—again, per candidate and per campaign. But that money STILL cannot come from the company treasury, it must be from individual donors within the corporation.

The $5,000 is misleading though, because PACs can also bundle up individual donations, too.

Let’s say your company has 100 execs who each want to pitch in the $3,300 max—you’d bundle up that $330,000, and give it to McCunterson’s team, along with the PAC’s $5k donation. A PAC’s not limited on total monies, just money per person.

Executives, shareholders, and their families can be solicited freely, but rank-and-file employees are a different story. They can only be solicited by mail, and only twice a year, so as not to feel pressured by a zealous boss.

Now that we’ve covered that, back to the case.

Along came a group called Citizens United—a conservative not-for-profit group that was founded in 1988 by David Bossie. Saying they were not fans of Hillary Rodham Clinton is understatement of the year. Not a lot of us are, but Bossie went nuclear on her.

Once Hillary’s Senate term ended and she began eyeing a presidential run, Bossie went in to action. He put together a documentary about her, funded in part by corporate donations, titled ‘Hillary: The Movie.’ Let’s just say it was less than flattering.

Why did this end up in court?

Citizens United was a 501(c)(4) non-profit organization, which identifies them as a “social welfare” group, not a PAC. That designation means they’re supposed to primarily serve the public good, not advance a political agenda, which I concede, in the view of political zealots, is the same fucking thing.

They got some of the money to make this “documentary” from corporations and intended to release it shortly before the Democratic primary, in which Hillary was an early favorite to win.

Knowing that BCRA might prohibit what they’d done, they proactively reached out to the Federal Election Commission (FEC) to see if they could move forward distributing their stupid film. The FEC gave them a hard “no,” arguing it ran afoul of BCRA’s provisions, exactly as Citizens United feared.

Citizens United screamed, “This is bullshit! We have every right to make our movie and put it out into the world. It’s not a political ad, it’s a documentary. We’re just sharing factual information about her.”

The FEC fired back, “Do you really expect us to believe that this is somehow not an attack ad against Hillary? This clearly violates BCRA rules, and you can go pound sand up your ass if you expect us to believe anything different.”

Citizens United Logo

Funny thing about this case—it was argued twice. That doesn’t happen often. The first oral arguments were largely just about Citizens United themselves, their stupid movie, and whether it was a political ad under BCRA. Since BCRA was a statute, that made this a statutory question.

But the justices kept gravitating toward a bigger issue—do corporations even have First Amendment speech rights in the first place, and if so, can Congress restrict them? That’s a constitutional question—inarguably a far more consequential one.

Neither side really came prepared to make that broader constitutional argument the first time, nor do I think the government’s side wanted to, so they were cordially invited to do some homework and come back a few months later.

Before we get into the arguments, let’s cover something we haven’t discussed much.

When someone appeals to SCOTUS, they don’t just show up to re-litigate their entire case—it’s not a do-over.

Typically, they objected to something in their lower court case, had it overruled, and now they’re appealing that objection. If they didn’t object in lower court, preserving the issue for appeal, they essentially waived their right to appeal it later.

If they feel the lower court applied the law or the Constitution incorrectly, they can appeal that as well. What they don’t appeal are the facts of the case. That was already addressed in the lower court, and ain’t nobody got time for going through all that shit again.

When someone goes to court, they have to formally pose a legal question(s) they want the court to answer.

The courts interpret the law—they don’t just settle beefs between parties.

Petitioners lay out these questions in their briefs. If the court in question is SCOTUS, they decide whether to take the case and answer them—a process called granting certiorari.

This is unique to SCOTUS, which receives thousands of requests each year—they couldn’t possibly hear them all. So they have developed the certiorari process to decide which ones they feel are the best use of their time, typically accepting fewer than 100 cases a year. Lower courts generally have to hear whatever cases are presented to them.

SCOTUS opinions are typically very specific—answering the precise questions asked of it, not just declaring a winner.

The general goal is to answer as narrowly as possible to avoid the argument that they’re legislating from the bench.

If a narrow ruling would give the petitioner everything they asked for, but the court goes buck wild and strikes down an entire law, that starts to look less like interpreting law and more like making it. That’s what people mean when they say a court is “legislating from the bench.”

In this case, there were four questions before the court.

First: This case was decided in January of 2010. But about eight years earlier, SCOTUS heard McConnell v. Federal Election Commission. That particular group of justices ruled that BCRA’s rules banning “soft money” donations were not a violation of free speech. Specifically, BCRA required companies to disclose what they had donated. So it wasn’t so much that it was banned speech, as it was compelled speech.

What the hell is “soft money” you ask?

Well, “hard” money is what is given directly to campaigns. “soft” money is money given to parties to do party work. Hard money must be disclosed, so people were donating soft money to get around that shit.

So the question today: does McConnell already answer the First Amendment question here since that ruling said the disclosure requirement wasn’t a violation of the First Amendment?

U.S. Constitution: 1st Amendment

Second: There are two types of speech in this realm—political speech and campaign speech.

Political speech is just talking politics in general—you like this idea, hate that policy, whatever.

But campaign speech is “You should vote for this dick-drizzle over here,” or “you should not vote for that twat-waffle over there.”

The argument is that political speech is the most protected of speeches, a Holy Grail, if you will. Campaign speech is electioneering though, and that can be regulated, such as in BCRA’s rules.

Citizens United argued that BCRA’s disclosure requirements are political speech, not campaign speech. So if they’re correct, is it constitutional to regulate their movie, if it’s political speech?

Third: If their speech doesn’t contain “vote for this asshole” or “don’t vote for that cocksucker,” is it subject to regulation under BCRA at all?

And Fourth: Is a feature-length documentary like “Hillary: The Movie” a political advertisement, subject to BCRA’s restraints, or is it just a fucking movie?


Oral Arguments #1 – March 24, 2009

First, for Citizens United (the petitioners), was Theodore B. Olson. His opening argument was this:

Theodore B. Olson

Mr. Chief Justice, and may it please the Court

Participation in the political process is the First Amendment’s most fundamental guarantee. Yet that freedom is being smothered by one of the most complicated, expensive, and incomprehensible regulatory regimes ever invented by the administrative state.

In the case that you consider today, it is a felony for a small, nonprofit corporation to offer interested viewers a 90-minute political documentary about a candidate for the nation’s highest office that General Electric, National Public Radio, or George Soros may freely broadcast.

Its film may be shown in theaters, sold on DVDs, transmitted for downloading on the Internet, and its message may be distributed in the form of a book. But its producers face 5 years in prison if they offer it in the home through the vehicle of Video On Demand.

Because the limitation on speech, political speech, is at the core of the First Amendment, the government has a heavy burden to establish each application of a restriction on that form of speech is a narrowly tailored response to a compelling governmental interest.

The government cannot prove and has not attempted to prove that a 90-minute documentary made available to people who choose affirmatively to receive it, to opt in, by an ideologically oriented small corporation poses any threat of quid pro quo corruption or its appearance.

Indeed, this documentary is the very definition of robust, uninhibited debate about a subject of intense political interest that the First Amendment is there to guarantee.

First to question him was Justice David Souter—a fascinating man, may he rest in peace.

I don’t believe we’ve mentioned him before.

The good folks at the “More Perfect” podcast did an amazing episode about him.

More Perfect is the best SCOTUS podcast out there, in my humble opinion—this episode in particular is not to be missed.

Justice Souter started by asking, “What if GM made this ‘movie,’ would the argument be the same?”

He wanted to know if it mattered the size of the group, the amount of money spent, etc., or whether it was just about the speech given? Also, did them being a right-wing organization, versus a corporation with no obvious political leanings, matter?

Olson responded that he didn’t believe BCRA was passed to ban feature-length documentaries, even if they were biased.

David Souter – Associate Justice to the Supreme Court of the United States
Served: 1990-2009
Lived: 1939-2025

Justice Breyer, smelling what Souter was cooking, asked if GM could make a 90-minute ad that just said, “Vote for this prick” over and over again. Can the government ban that?

They were drawing lines, as they do, between political speech and campaign speech.

We all know the First Amendment wasn’t created to discuss the weather, yeah? It was meant so you could call the current president a cunt, your Senator a prick, shit like that.

Stephen Breyer – Associate Justice to the Supreme Court of the United States (1994-2022)

BCRA was trying to limit buying elections, but money doesn’t win elections directly—it pays for putting speech in newspapers, magazines, television, or social media, which helps win elections.

But speech is fucking protected—it’s the First Amendment, man!

Before you argue the left’s goal is to stifle free speech, like a right-wing pundit might, it’s fair to point out that they consider things like buying ad space as more of a mechanism to amplify speech, not actually speech itself.

It’s not a horrible point no matter how much you want to have the First Amendment’s baby. The Court rejected this argument in a previous case, Buckley v. Valeo, which we’ll delve into a little later. But I at least wanted to be honest in my portrayal of what the respondents believe.

That’s the impossible tightrope BCRA was trying to walk—limit money in politics without violating free speech.

Olson, trying to draw a distinction, said that Hillary: The Movie wasn’t saying not to vote for Hillary, it was just trying to educate people about what a piece of shit she is. If they learn all that and still think she’s better than Obama or Romney, then fuck it, pull the trigger on her.

Justice Souter asked:

Doesn’t this one fall into campaign advocacy?

I mean, I’ve got the government’s brief open at pages 18 to 19 with the quotations:

She will lie about anything.

She’s deceitful.

David Souter – Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States 1990-2009

She’s ruthless, cunning, dishonest, do anything for power, will speak dishonestly, reckless, a congenital liar, sorely lacking in qualifications, not qualified as commander in chief.

I mean, this sounds to me like campaign advocacy.

Souter clearly struggled with the idea that this was somehow just providing information—it was also inarguably opinion.

Olson responded with a not-so-eloquent dodge—he pointed out that BCRA issues are normally about advertisements that generally last under a minute, not a documentary.

Nice try, but Breyer, who was asking along these lines earlier, chimed in and wasn’t having it. He told Olson to answer the question he was asked. Souter, seemingly answered for him, saying this was clearly a “don’t vote for that prick” situation.

Stephen Breyer – Associate Justice to the Supreme Court of the United States (1994-2022)

Olson’s argument was that this was no different than what you see on the news, or more specifically opinion news, every day. So if Sean Hannity can call Hillary a piece of shit for an hour on his show, why can’t we call her a piece of shit for 90 minutes in our movie?

Breyer then said, “I’ll grant you that information is provided, you don’t just sit there and say, ‘Don’t vote for that scumbag’ over and over again. But still, how is that not trying to influence an election?”

“Are we really going to argue that it’s OK to send someone to the pokey for five years because they dropped some fucking facts about a politician and they weren’t the right type of organization to do so? That doesn’t sound like the America I learned about in school.” Olson asked.

I thought this was America, bro

Justice Anthony Kennedy then wondered, “So we should draft an opinion that says if a video is a minute or less, you can fuck right off, but if it’s 90 goddamn minutes, well, it’s golden?”

Olson admitted that was a stretch, but then pivoted to the fact that these one-minute-or-less ads you are inundated with are commercials which interrupt your regularly scheduled programming. What they made was a video-on-demand documentary. If people watched it, it was because they wanted to, not because someone paid to shoehorn it into their Judge Judy reruns.

Chief Justice Roberts, being wise to this pivot, asked, “I get the new angle, but first let’s talk about content. How is a 10-second ad different than your 90-minute diatribe about why Hillary sucks?”

Olson chose to argue about whether he shifted or not, instead of answering the actual question at hand—arguing semantics is probably not a great strategy, if I’m honest.

Justice Antonin Scalia, may he rest in peace, seemingly doling out campaign lessons, chirped, “You can inform people in thirty seconds, you don’t need ninety minutes to make a fucking point. Your documentary makes a hundred points, so you could just pick one of them and make it a ninety-second ad, right?”

Antonin Scalia – Associate Justice to the United States Supreme Court
Served 1986-2016
Alive: 1936-2016

Olson dodged Scalia’s question too—saying that BCRA was about banning things that were potentially corrupting, like giving money to a candidate for a little quid-pro-quo action.

Olson had been arguing this was a First Amendment issue, but when pressed, suddenly shifted to defending BCRA’s intent instead.

Scalia, never one to let a dodge slide, interjected, “A second ago, we were talking about the First Amendment. Now you’re talking about BCRA. What the fuck is your argument, man?”

Olson quipped, “I’m making both arguments. I’m trying to get you to see that BCRA was constructed to be constitutionally compliant. They wouldn’t have made a law that they thought violated the First Amendment on purpose. So I’m saying that clearly BCRA doesn’t apply to political speech, which is what we think our brilliant fucking movie is.”

He then pointed out that the government is burdened with proving this movie isn’t protected speech, but how can they say it isn’t when it’s the same shit you see on the news every day?

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, may she rest in peace, pointed out that the whole documentary focused on someone who was currently running for president, and only shared how much of a sociopath she is, so folks would consider only the bad shit before voting for that monstrosity in a pantsuit.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg – Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court
Served: 1993-2020
Lived: 1933-2020

Olson conceded it was likely to influence some voters. But he flipped the script and was like, “Even if it were more even-handed, and we complimented her on what nice pantsuits she wore, we’d still be in trouble. So I don’t think it matters whether we’re even-handed or whether we tell the world what a psychopath she is.”

Justice Souter was quick to jump back into the fray and asked Olson, “What fucking evidence do you have that BCRA cared about 60-second ads arguing what a piece of shit Hillary is, and somehow not 90 minutes of that brilliant point?”

He went back to the argument that he felt BCRA was meant to limit how many times you’d get inundated with ads you don’t choose to view, and this isn’t that—folks clicked on this shit and paid to watch it.


Next up was Deputy Solicitor General of the United States, Malcolm Stewart.

He started his opening remarks with this, but was interrupted before he could even complete it.

Malcolm Stewart – Deputy Solicitor General of the United States

Mr. Chief Justice, and may it please the Court: The lead opinion in Wisconsin Right to Life didn’t just use the term functional equivalent of express advocacy, it explained what that term meant. And on page 2667 of volume 127 of the Supreme Court Reporter, the plurality—the lead opinion stated:

“In light of these considerations, a court should find that an ad is the functional equivalent of express advocacy only if the ad is susceptible of no reasonable interpretation other than as an appeal to vote for or against a specific candidate. “

So the functional equivalence test doesn’t depend on the length of the advertisement or the medium in which the advertisement…

At which point, Chief Justice Roberts jumped in and pointed out that neither this case, nor the Wisconsin Right to Life (WRTL) cared about the length of the video in question.

Wisconsin Right to Life v. Federal Election Commission is worth a quick detour. In 2004, WRTL ran ads urging Wisconsin residents to contact their senators—ironically including BCRA co-sponsor Russ Feingold—urging them to drop the hammer on judicial filibusters.

That’s when minority senators filibuster to prevent the president’s judicial nominees.

The FEC said those ads violated BCRA’s electioneering communications ban because they mentioned federal candidates within 30 days of a primary.

WRTL cordially invited the FEC to eat a bag of dicks. They said, “We’re talking about a Senate procedure, not telling anyone how to vote. We’re directing them as to whom they should call, not telling them who to vote for.”

The Court agreed, and carved out an exception. If an ad can reasonably be interpreted as advocating for an issue rather than a candidate, it can’t be banned under BCRA. Makes sense, right? You can’t bribe a policy position.

That “functional equivalent of express advocacy” test is what Stewart was harping about. His argument was that Hillary: The Movie can only reasonably be interpreted one way—don’t vote for that pantsuit-wearing sociopath. Citizens United disagreed, obviously.

Chief Justice Roberts and Olson bandied about this subject for a bit before Stewart was like, “Listen Chief, Congress’ intent was to look at the definition of electioneering communication. They defined that shit as a broadcast, cable, or satellite communication aired within 30 days of a primary or 60 days of a general election. So this is definitely that.”

Justice Roberts hit him with the ol’ hypo and asked:

So if Wal-Mart airs an advertisement that says we have candidate action figures for sale, come buy them, that counts as an electioneering communication?

He was like, “Fuck Walmart. But they could get an exception if…” at which point Justice Alito interrupted him before he could finish his thought. (I’m sensing a theme here—let the man speak!)

Justice Alito asked if Stewart felt the Constitution forced Congress to draw the line at broadcast, cable, or satellite, as opposed to DVDs, books, the internet, etc.

Stewart didn’t think so. It could have applied to other media as well.

Samuel Alito Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court

The exchange between him and Alito that followed has become somewhat of a legend.

Samuel A. Alito, Jr.

That’s pretty incredible.

You think that if a book was published, a campaign biography that was the functional equivalent of express advocacy, that could be banned?

Malcolm L. Stewart

I’m not saying it could be banned.

I’m saying that Congress could prohibit the use of corporate treasury funds and could require a corporation to publish it using its PAC.

Samuel A. Alito, Jr.

Well, most publishers are corporations.

And a publisher that is a corporation could be prohibited from selling a book?

Malcolm L. Stewart

Well, of course, the statute contains its own media exemption or media…

Samuel A. Alito, Jr.

I’m not asking what the statute says.

The government’s position is that the First Amendment allows the banning of a book if it’s published by a corporation?

Malcolm L. Stewart

Samuel Alito – Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court

Because the First Amendment refers both to freedom of speech and of the press, there would be a potential argument that media corporations, the institutional press, would have a greater First Amendment right.

That question is obviously not presented here.

Stewart knew this was not going to go well for him. Banning books is a political death sentence in the United States.

Justice Kennedy then jumped in and asked, “What if some advocacy group wrote a book, and just made an ad to help sell the book?”

Stewart left the door open on that, so Kennedy walked through even further and asked, “What about if it’s on a Kindle, and that Kindle is transmitted to via a satellite?”

Remember, satellite communications are prohibited if you were wondering whether Kennedy was just waxing poetic or some shit.

Anthony Kennedy – Associate Justice: Supreme Court of the United States
Served: 1988-2018

Stewart was like, “I’m not saying it would be banned. I’m saying the company couldn’t pay for it from its own treasury, it’d have to come from a PAC.”

At this point, Stewart was probably shitting bricks, and the onslaught didn’t stop.

Stewart, later in his career, was recognized by Justice Roberts in session, for appearing before the court and arguing effectively for the government 100 times.

Quite the milestone—but today, by all accounts, he had his ass handed to him by Justice Roberts”.

Their exchange was also quite legendary, and it’s likely a huge reason the FEC lost.

John G. Roberts, Jr.

If it has one name, one use of the candidate’s name, it would be covered, correct?

Malcolm L. Stewart

That’s correct.

John G. Roberts, Jr.

If it’s a 500-page book, and at the end it says, and so vote for X, the government could ban that?

Malcolm L. Stewart

Well, if it says vote for X, it would be express advocacy and it would be covered by the pre-existing Federal Election Campaign Act provisions.

John G. Roberts, Jr.

No, I’m talking about under the Constitution, what we’ve been discussing, if it’s a book.

Malcolm L. Stewart

If it’s a book and it is produced—again, to leave one side the question of…

John G. Roberts, Jr.

Right, right.

Forget the…

Malcolm L. Stewart

…the possible media exemption, if you had Citizens United or General Motors using general treasury funds to publish a book that said at the outset, for instance, Hillary Clinton’s election would be a disaster for this…

John G. Roberts, Jr.

John Roberts - Education, Age & Chief Justice
John Roberts – Chief Justice: Supreme Court of the United States

…No, take my hypothetical.

It doesn’t say at the outset.

If funds—here is—whatever it is, this is a discussion of the American political system, and at the end it says vote for X.

Malcolm L. Stewart

Yes, our position would be that the corporation could be required to use PAC funds rather than general treasury funds.

John G. Roberts, Jr.

And if they didn’t, you could ban it?

Malcolm L. Stewart

If they didn’t, we could prohibit the publication of the book using the corporate treasury funds.

Between Alito and Roberts, they got him to admit the government would potentially ban a book.

Justice Breyer, seemingly throwing Stewart a lifeline, asked, “What if The Teamsters said, ‘You know what, we fucking love Hillary Clinton—she’s our kind of corrupt sociopath.’ The First Amendment doesn’t allow them to ban such speech, right? They can only ask who the fuck is paying for them to say it in a public forum, such as buying ad space?”

“The government can’t ban the speech, they can just limit the amount of money spent to promote such speech. Right?” Breyer continued.

Stewart agreed.

Antonin Scalia – Associate Justice: Supreme Court of the United States
Served 1986-2016
Alive: 1936-2016

Justice Scalia then jumped in with, “Let’s go back to a media company. That’s their fucking job. So now, they can’t report on candidates and shit, because they’re paying for that news coverage, and your way around this clear paradox is to say that the First Amendment’s freedom of the press makes them, and only them, exempt?”

Elaborating further he asked:

Antonin Scalia

But does “the press” mean the media in that constitutional provision?

You think in 1791 there were people running around with fedoras that had little press tickets in it, (saying) “Press”?

Is that what “press” means in the Constitution?

Doesn’t it cover the Xerox machine?

Doesn’t it cover the right of any individual to write, to publish?

Stewart weirdly switched gears and brought Alito back into this mess to make a new point he hadn’t addressed earlier.

He mentioned that if Citizens United had just put the video on their own webpage or YouTube, we wouldn’t be in this mess. The fact that they made it video on demand, which the government considered broadcast or satellite, is where the problem lies.

Stewart likely didn’t know it, but he handed his own ass to himself on a plate.

Justice Alito saw an open door and walked through it like he was on a mission from god, asking, “Alright, great point. So what if Congress decides that the internet is part of the problem too and amends the law to include that—is that speech now banned?”

Samuel Alito – Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court

He wasn’t wrong—that seemed like a weak point for Stewart.

He was trying to carve out some technicality exemption to what Alito likely believes is a blatant First Amendment violation, which Congress could easily fix, pulling the rug out from under Stewart’s entire argument.

Justice Kennedy then laid a trap, pressing Stewart on the opposition’s central distinction—the 60-second ad versus the 90-minute documentary.

Stewart argued he saw no legal distinction.

Justice Kennedy was like, “If we rule against you, not only is his 90-minute documentary allowed, but all those 60-second ads are allowed too, right? Because you see no distinction?”

Stewart was like, “That’s up to you, dawg. If you say there’s a distinction between the two, then no.”

Stewart argued that Hillary: The Movie not only painted Clinton in a bad light—it also argued she’d make a shitty president. That second part is a big reason why they’ve got a fucking problem with this—that’s advocacy.

Justice Ginsburg asked about a similar film called Fahrenheit 9/11, from Michael Moore, conveniently released during the 2004 election cycle. It cast President Bush in a pretty negative light. So she asked if that would be banned if it were aired within the 60-day bar that BCRA sets?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg – Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court
Served: 1993-2020
Lived: 1933-2020

“I never watched that shit, so I wouldn’t know. But maybe,” said Stewart.

Justice Scalia, not done with his First Amendment questions yet, asked whether the Constitution protects the person who wants to hear the speech as much as the person making the speech.

Stewart again answered a different question than he was asked. He talked about the efficacy of a 90-minute documentary that people have to ask to watch, versus a campaign commercial that interrupts what they were watching.

Scalia wasn’t having it. He jumped in, “That wasn’t my question, man. Two people, one of them wants to speak, the other wants to hear them speak, and you’re telling me the First Amendment doesn’t apply to that speech—government can just say:

No, the two of you can’t do this?

Stewart, running low on good answers, retreated again to the Video on Demand argument. He felt that VOD fell under the broadcast or satellite rubric, and therefore was a problem. If they had made a DVD people could buy, apparently that would have been OK in his mind.

Sidebar: You may have noticed Stewart dodged a lot of questions, which seems like a bad strategy. However, he may have been sly like a fox. We’ll never know—I can’t peek inside his mind.
He was almost certainly afraid of losing on Constitutional grounds, which would be a huge fucking loss with big implications, as we’ll get to later, so I suspect he was hoping to focus solely on the statutory issues instead.

Justice Roberts then waded into the “exemption to disclosure requirements for those with a fear of reprisal” issue.

Where does this come from, you ask? Well, it’s case law from NAACP v. Alabama (1958).

After a dispute between the two, Alabama tried to compel the NAACP to hand over their membership list. The court unanimously ruled that the NAACP didn’t have to do shit. They rightly reasoned those folks would be harassed by some pricks in white bedsheets and pointy hats who don’t take kindly to people like the NAACP ’round their parts.

Roberts wanted to understand if that applied here. Maybe the disclosure requirements would lead people of one party to attack supporters of the other, and therefore they deserved some level of anonymity. I mean, Trump has had at least three fucking would-be assassins at this point, so it’s fair to say that political disagreements might lead to violence.

Chief Justice John Roberts Being Sworn In

Counsel Stewart was like, “They fucking disclosed before with no reprisals. So why the fuck we even talkin’ ’bout this, bro?”

“You only get an exemption after someone has faced some sort of reprisal? That doesn’t seem very fucking smart, does it?” said Roberts. “Are we gonna make it so that someone has to get shot before we authorize restraining orders now, too?”

Stewart seemed willing to concede this point—he likely didn’t care about the disclosure aspect of BCRA so much as the banning of anything they considered corporate-funded political ads.


With that, the first oral arguments were complete.

Because there were both statutory and constitutional questions in this case, the court decided that McConnell’s constitutionality may need to be revisited.

This occurred in private deliberations among the justices, so we don’t have records on that. But the logic is pretty clear — they weren’t certain they could reasonably side with Citizens United yet leave McConnell standing.

Since both parties in the first set of oral arguments didn’t fully explore the broad constitutional issues, and focused mostly on the as-applied ones, they were asked to consider those, and come back for round two.

“As-applied” just means that they discussed the constitutionality of BCRA “as it applied” to Citizens United. If they were to win, it could just mean that the Court ruled BCRA didn’t apply to them, but would still remain as valid law for everyone else.

But the Court could also rule that BCRA, or at least the provisions of BCRA in question here, were wholly unconstitutional and must be struck down entirely.

For the second go-around, only Theodore Olson returned to the fray, this time with Floyd Abrams by his side as an amicus (friend of the court) arguing for the ageless Mitch McConnell.

Malcolm Stewart was out for the FEC, replaced by two people—Seth Waxman representing John McCain—who as you recall sponsored BCRA. And also Elena Kagan, then Solicitor General for the DOJ, who is currently now a Supreme Court Justice.


Oral Arguments #2: September 9th, 2009

First up again, Theodore Olson, who opened with this:

Theodore Olson

Mr. Chief Justice and may it please the Court: Robust debate about candidates for elective office is the most fundamental value protected by the First Amendment’s guarantee of free speech.

Yet that is precisely the dialogue that the government has prohibited if practiced by unions or corporations, any union or any corporation.

The government claims it may do so based upon the Austin decision that corporate speech is by its nature corrosive and distorting because it might not reflect actual public support for the views expressed by the corporation.

The government admits that that radical concept of requiring public support for the speech before you can speak would even authorize it to criminalize books and signs.

This Court needs no reminding that the government when it is acting to prohibit, particularly when it is acting to criminalize, speech that is at the very core of the First Amendment has a heavy burden to prove that there is a compelling governmental interest that justifies that prohibition and that the regulation adopted, in this case a criminal statute, is the most narrowly tailored necessary to accomplish that compelling governmental interest.

Justice Ginsburg was the first out of the gate noting that an individual is “endowed by their creator” with inalienable rights but a corporation is just created by a person or persons. “Are we to draw no legal distinction regarding rights, between a person and a corporation?” she wanted to know.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg – Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court
Served: 1993-2020
Lived: 1933-2020

Olson cited several cases where corporations were entitled to First Amendment protections to support his argument that yes, the First Amendment applies to both.

Justice Ginsburg then wanted to know “Even corporations that are owned entirely by foreign nationals outside the United States?”

Olson was like, “Doesn’t fucking matter.”

Because this is a restriction on political speech, he then went on to lay the groundwork for why strict scrutiny applies.

If you’re not familiar with what strict scrutiny means in case law, read this piece I wrote about the subject HERE in a previous post. Strict scrutiny is nearly a century in the making, and case law in the US is littered with examples where it underpinned the ruling. It’s fundamental to this one as well, so I reference it throughout. If you’re interested in the courts, you’ll want to understand this concept.

Justice Scalia asked if the government could prevent foreign interests from funding US electioneering speech.

Antonin Scalia – Associate Justice: Supreme Court of the United States
Served 1986-2016
Alive: 1936-2016

Olson responded with the “I don’t know” defense.

That’s fair—it wasn’t an issue here, so he couldn’t fathom everything they’d ask.

Sticking with this theme, Justice Stevens reiterated RBG’s question about the rights of corporations versus people, and then Justice Alito asked if foreign-owned companies, operating in the US, have less free speech rights than American ones as well.

Olson was like, “What is it with you fucking people? The First just says “government shall make no law.” It doesn’t say “make no law if you’re from here.” The Court has said political speech is the pinnacle of protected speech, so to restrict it would have to fall under strict scrutiny.”

Justice Ginsburg asked why Olson kept saying “prohibition.” Corporations aren’t prohibited from funding such speech—they’re just supposed to go through a PAC.

He pointed out that corporations can’t actually contribute via a PAC either. As we covered earlier, a PAC is funded by individual donors within a corporation—executives, shareholders, employees—giving their own personal money—the corporate treasury never enters the picture.

Buckley v. Valeo, which we mentioned earlier, was heavily discussed. The important facet of that case is that there are two types of spending in play.

  • Donations: money given to a candidate.
  • Expenditures: money spent independently to express a political view, with no candidate involved.

Remember, Citizens United made a movie. They never gave a dime to Barack Obama, who beat Hillary in the primary, nor to Mitt Romney, who would have been her general election opponent, had she gotten that far.

No campaign donation here—just an expenditure.

I won’t dig deep into Buckley, but the court ruled restrictions on donations were constitutional—restrictions on expenditures were not.

This is an easy concept to understand—it’s the linchpin in this case. If I give a politician money (donations), it stands to reason that asshole might do me a favor in return. That’s quid pro quo, and that’s corruption.

But if I just spend money to advance my opinion to the public (expenditures) without any interaction with a politician, it’s hard to say I corrupted anyone—I never gave a red cent to an actual person.

That meant expenditures were essentially a protected right, and to regulate them would have to pass the strict scrutiny test. Since BCRA limited them to 30 days before the election, Congress felt that the law was narrowly tailored enough, as required by strict scrutiny, to pass the test.

Stephen Breyer – Associate Justice to the Supreme Court of the United States (1994-2022)

Breyer was like, “OK, Congress restricted electioneering communications to a 30-day window, and only on television ads. Doesn’t that survive strict scrutiny? If not, does it not meet the definition of a compelling interest, or is it not narrowly tailored enough?”

Olson responded, “You must always second guess Congress when the First Amendment is in play—they’re shady AF.”

He pointed out that the government provided no evidence of corruption via expenditures, unlike donations, where the appearance of corruption is much harder to dismiss.

Justice Ginsburg had the receipts, though. She mentioned that a three-judge court found that Federal officials feel indebted to corporations or unions who support them.

Olson conceded this, but reasoned, “We’re talking about expenditures, remember? That’s a great point on contributions if we were talking about those—let’s stay on topic, you old battle axe.”

The exchange he had with Breyer, Kennedy, and Ginsburg was largely around coordination. Remember, these laws exist because the government feared bribery and corruption.

If a company just goes off and makes its own ad—at no point discussing it with a candidate—that ad might actually be something the candidate actively opposed, and therefore wouldn’t result in a returned favor.

Consider this—Obama benefitted from Hillary: The Movie, but he may have been none too keen on how badly it reflected on the DNC by association.

So in that light, Citizens United’s speech was politically protected—and Obama, the very person who benefitted, never gave them a thing in return.

Hillary Rodham Clinton

Justices Roberts and Stevens then brought up First National Bank of Boston v. Bellotti, where the court noted that influencing elections was the point of protected speech.

The majority opinion held that the speech is what’s protected, not the speaker.

Put an individual behind these exact same words and nobody bats an eye, so restricting it from a corporation shouldn’t change anything.

They also discussed candidates versus ballot issues. Bellotti involved a company speaking out against an issue, not supporting a candidate.

Again, these laws are restrictions on content-based speech—therefore strict scrutiny applies. The compelling interest is quid pro quo corruption, so how would a ballot issue pay you back for getting it passed?

The ballot issue part of Bellotti doesn’t apply here but the speech protection sure does, according to Olson.

He then made an interesting point—issues and candidates are often inseparable. A corporation might only care about, say, marijuana legalization, and there might be only one candidate who shares their position. If that corporation speaks out in support of legalizing the Devil’s lettuce, does that speech suddenly become a problem just because only one candidate agrees with them?

The corporation might despise everything else about that candidate—their character, their voting record, their stupid haircut—but they agree on this one thing. It’s a hell of a stretch to call that corruption.

Therefore, he argued, the court can’t really distinguish between issue support and candidate support.

Official Portrait of United States Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor
Click for Biography

Justice Sonia Sotomayor, who replaced Justice Souter on the Supreme Court between the first arguments and this second round, asked if Olson was abandoning his statutory argument from the first round, and focusing only on the constitutional ones now.

Olson was like, “Nope. We think we win either way, and both support us. But you dragged my ass back here on these broader constitutional questions, so that’s what I’m talking about now.”


Next up was Floyd Abrams, in support of Citizens United.

Floyd Abrams

He opened by arguing that the courts could just address the statutory question, leave the other precedents alone, and move on.

But if they did, it would lead to an inevitable shit-storm of similar cases they’d have to resolve, until they eventually just decide this is a First Amendment issue and invalidate all this other case law.

So they might as well gut this pig now and save everyone a trip back here in two years.

Not exactly argument of the year, but not wrong either.

That said, the Court usually shies away from answering broad constitutional questions when a simpler statutory one will suffice—this can be deemed legislating from the bench. So Abrams’ argument of expedience is ill-advised.

Abrams was brief, so not much to say about his time at the pulpit, and that was kind of the point.

He was just there as an amicus for Mitch McConnell, whose loss in McConnell v. FEC was mentioned earlier. Ol’ Mitch hated this fucking law with the heat of a thousand suns and he wanted it gone.


Up next was then Solicitor General for the DOJ, Elena Kagan.

She opened by saying:

Associate Justice Elena Kagan

For over 100 years Congress has made a judgment that corporations must be subject to special rules when they participate in elections and this Court has never questioned that judgment.

Justice Scalia was like, “WTF are you talking about? We never questioned it, but we never approved it, either! We’re not some group of political hacks who just jump in and pick shit to approve or disapprove. Someone with standing to do so has to come here and ask us to give an opinion. We don’t just issue opinions out of the blue. Assholes like your clients have to come in and complain first.”

Justices Roberts and Stevens next asked about Federal Election Commission v. Massachusetts Citizens for Life (MCFL).

In this case, SCOTUS ruled that similar federal election rules violated MCFL’s First Amendment rights. The Court carved out an exception for MCFL because:

  • They were formed solely for political purposes
  • They had no shareholders
  • They did not accept contributions from for-profit corporations.

In their opinion, no business interests in political influence—no corruption.

Citizens United is a little different in that they accepted money from for-profit corporations to achieve their mission.

While Meat Loaf may argue that two out of three ain’t bad, Kagan and the FEC felt it should be all three or nothing when all of this started.

It’s worth noting that at this point, it was already looking like Citizens United would win.

Kagan’s play was to get the MCFL exemption applied to Citizens United, which is a narrow statutory ruling. That would at least leave the BCRA provisions they were debating in place—and preserve the other case law that helps limit corporate campaign influence.

She was willing to shift her position and lose the statutory battle so the government could still win the constitutional war.

Justice Roberts, clearly understanding this was where she was going, pressed her to admit as much. She responded:

If you are asking me, Mr. Chief Justice, as to whether the government has a preference as to the way in which it loses, if it has to lose, the answer is yes.

Justice Kennedy and Kagan then sparred extensively about whether BCRA, specifically section 203 which prohibited electioneering communications paid for by corporate treasury funds, was overbroad. Meaning, as we know from strict scrutiny (hopefully), laws around restricting what you say (content-based speech) must pass three tests—compelling interest by government, narrowly tailored to meet that interest, and least restrictive means.

Anthony Kennedy – Associate Justice: Supreme Court of the United States
Served: 1988-2018

The government arguably has a compelling interest in preventing quid pro quo corruption, so that’s a big check. It’s the “narrowly tailored” part that they’re concerned about.

Seemed like Kennedy was arguing that BCRA may restrict more speech than it needs to, in order to achieve this goal. The concern was that BCRA may prevent people from opining on why they want government to eat their entire ass, even when those people have absolutely no quid pro quo expectation.

Kagan was trying to save section 203, which was arguably on life support at this point. She hoped to get SCOTUS only to quash it as applied to Citizens United. But Kennedy was leaning toward “this whole fucking provision of BCRA is a problem and needs to go.”

She then had exchanges with justices Stevens and Breyer about whether they should just strip out a provision in BCRA that exempts non-profits, which again means Kagan loses, but BCRA 203 remains largely intact.

Justice Roberts next wanted to discuss the compelling interest in a previous case, Austin v. Michigan Chamber of Commerce. He was setting her up, but it’s a fair and nuanced point.

In Austin, a similar case to this about a Michigan law like BCRA, the court ruled that the government’s compelling interest for limiting content-based speech was that corporations shouldn’t appropriate shareholders’ money for expressive purposes. They argued this causes “distortion.”

Sidebar: Distortion is the idea that corporate political spending can make one viewpoint appear more powerful or widely supported than it really is among actual voters.

A corporation may be made up of shareholders, employees, and members with all kinds of political views, but leadership can use corporate treasury money to push one message. That money does not get spread out according to everyone’s opinions; it gets concentrated behind one position, making that opinion artificially louder than it otherwise would be because it has a shit ton of money behind it.

That is the basic concern: corporate economic power can be converted into political influence in a way that does not necessarily reflect genuine democratic support.

The constitutional fight is whether that concern qualifies as a compelling governmental interest to satisfy strict scrutiny and thus allow limiting political speech.

Quid pro quo corruption had already been accepted as a compelling governmental interest by the Court in previous case law, but this “distortion” idea was about to be hotly debated, as SCOTUS hadn’t opined on that shit yet.

Kagan agreed with this understanding of the compelling interest, but she relied on Austin as support for BCRA’s 203 amendment to FECA 441b.

Associate Justice Elena Kagan

Kagan agreed that the government’s compelling interest in Austin was preventing quid pro quo corruption, not distortion. So Justice Roberts was essentially arguing that she can’t rely on Austin to help her if it’s not even the same compelling interest for the purpose of satisfying strict scrutiny.

Kagan, not wanting to lose this argument, essentially argued that she felt both were compelling interests, and each applied in both cases—they were two sides of the same coin.

Justice Scalia then launched this missile. He pointed out that most companies are single-shareholder corporations. So if strict scrutiny applies, and you’re restricting these single-shareholder corporations where distortion clearly would not apply, can you say the law is narrowly tailored and the least restrictive means?

She had no choice but to agree with this point. Again, she was losing this battle, and you had to feel for her. She was trying to salvage something, and it was just not working.

Justice Scalia suggested that Congress too had self-interest. With his trademark cynicism in hand, he argued that the courts are very suspicious when congress restricts content-based speech, because they’d always vote to help themselves, the incumbents, win elections.

But out of nowhere and nearly down for the count, Kagan spotted a weakness and handed him his ass on a plate. She pointed out that:

I think, Justice Scalia, it’s wrong.

Antonin Scalia – Associate Justice: Supreme Court of the United States
Served 1986-2016
Alive: 1936-2016

In fact, corporate and union money go overwhelmingly to incumbents.

This may be the single most self-denying thing that Congress has ever done.

If you look at the last election cycle and look at corporate PAC money and ask where it goes, it goes ten times more to incumbents than to challengers, and in the prior election cycle even more than that.

And for an obvious reason, because when corporations play in the political process, they want winners, they want people who will produce outcomes for them, and they know that the way to get those outcomes, the way to get those winners is to invest in incumbents, and so that’s what they do.

As I said, in double digits times more than they invest in challengers.

So I think that that that rationale, which is undoubtedly true in many contexts, simply is not the case with respect to this case.

Kagan then argued that corporations are different because while people might hold a political position because they just like it, for family reasons, moral reasons, religious reasons, the list could go on forever—corporations mostly just care about return on investment, because they’re soulless capitalist pigs.

Justice Roberts responded, “That’s poppycock. Corporations are diverse, just like people, and while it may be true that many are only motivated by money, corporations often reflect the morals of their board members, and it’s a little demeaning to say they only ever care about money.”

John Roberts – Chief Justice: Supreme Court of the United States

It was clear that Justice Roberts was apprehensive about what he saw as socialist rhetoric. Kagan might have been wise to avoid characterizing corporations so pejoratively—implying greed is their only interest.

Justice Scalia then pointed out that single shareholders can just do the same thing as individual voters, without hiding behind the corporate structure. The only reason they wouldn’t is to save on their income taxes.

Justice Breyer, deciding to play a bit of softball, mentioned that he’d seen, in a litany of DC Court briefs, where politicians talked about fundraising as something that’s always on their mind as they grant access to donors.

He was giving Kagan an opportunity to defend BCRA by showing that the appearance of corruption was clearly there, supporting the compelling interest argument.

Here’s the thing, though—we’re discussing expenditures, not donations, remember? Citizens United didn’t give money to anyone, they made a movie that, as far as we know, wasn’t supported by any candidate. So Breyer, while trying to help Kagan, went off the rails here.

Justice Roberts next asked whether it was insulting to assume shareholders in a company couldn’t exercise influence or sell their shares, if they didn’t like a company’s political activities. They’re not helpless, and don’t need big brother to protect them from things they simply don’t like.

Associate Justice Elena Kagan

Kagan argued that it’s tough when a busy person, who owns shares in multiple companies, is juggling a job and multiple investments.

“So isn’t it extraordinary that we have to protect shareholders from themselves?” asked Justice Roberts.

Kagan snapped, “Man, my shares are all wrapped up in mutual funds like most people, I don’t fucking know what those assholes are doing.”

“So we do have to protect idiots from themselves?” Justice Roberts quipped.

Justice Ginsburg, joining Breyer in a game of softball, asked, “It’s not like unions, am I right?”

She was referring to Abood v. Detroit Board of Education. The Court ruled that it’s a violation of the First Amendment to force union members to pay for speech they don’t agree with. If that happens, they can ask for that money back. They are only required to pay for fees the union uses to do its business, not advance political causes.

But then she threw a curveball and asked, “Should we remove unions from BCRA?”

Kagan was like, “Whoa, let’s not get crazy! Unions could still engage in some quid pro quo corruption shit. We’re not just worried about distortion and misrepresentation.”

As Kagan’s time was coming to an end, Justice Ginsburg decided she still had questions. She wanted to know about media such as books and print ads, which are also potentially problematic in BCRA, even though they’re not at issue here.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg – Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court
Served: 1993-2020
Lived: 1933-2020

Kagan, hoping to avoid the whole “banning books” problem all over again, was like, “In 60 years, we haven’t fucked with books, and we’re not gonna start now.”

Justice Scalia was having none of it. He asked:

What happened to the overbreadth doctrine?

I mean, I thought our doctrine in the Fourth Amendment is if you write it too broadly, we are not going to pare it back to the point where it’s constitutional.

If it’s overbroad, it’s invalid.

What happened to that?

Kagan hit back, “Listen, you old prick, we’ve never applied it to books. You could take that shit off—we won’t care—it won’t affect a goddamn thing we’re concerned about. You don’t need to eighty-six a good fucking law because of one little issue. Congress worked hard on that shit.”

Justice Roberts, also not having it, replied:

But we don’t put our First Amendment rights in the hands of FEC bureaucrats.

And if you say that you are not going to apply it to a book, what about a pamphlet?

Kagan, apparently now completely in “fuck it” mode, was like, “Pamphlets are classic electioneering, chief. That’s a different animal.”

Justice Scalia, not done with this argument yet, snapped back:

So you’re a lawyer advising somebody who is about to come up with a book and you say don’t worry, the FEC has never tried to send somebody to prison for this.

This statute covers it, but don’t worry, the FEC has never done it.

That going to comfort your client?

I don’t think so.

With that, Kagan’s time in the hot seat mercifully ended.


Last to argue was Seth P. Waxman in support of the FEC.

He quoted an old court opinion from United States v. Auto Workers (1956), about the Taft-Hartley Act from 1947, which BCRA built on, that said:

What is involved here is the integrity of our electoral process and not less the responsibility of the individual citizen for the successful functioning of that process.

He was invoking what he considered one of the most powerful compelling interests possible: protecting the integrity of elections.

Justice Roberts was like, “As I understand it, no one enforced that fucking law, because they knew it was a classic First Amendment violation, and they wanted to avoid us striking it down.”

Waxman, deciding that a citation from 80 fucking years ago wasn’t old enough, dug up a quote from over a century ago by highly revered Senator Elihu Root, who asked Congress to enact legislation that would address:

A constantly growing evil which has done more to shake the confidence of plain people of small means of this country in our political institutions than any practice which has ever obtained since the founding of our government.

Kennedy was like, “Good quote, but he was talking about contributions, not expenditures, and we all fucking know it.”

Anthony Kennedy – Associate Justice: Supreme Court of the United States
Served: 1988-2018

Waxman responded, “There’s no real difference in this example. Corporations are using their great aggregations of wealth to influence elections. That’s the problem—whether they give money or spend money is irrelevant.”

Justice Scalia pushed back:

Great aggregations of wealth.

The amicus brief by the Chamber of Commerce points out that 96 percent of its members employ less than 100 people.

These are not aggregations of great wealth.

You’re not talking about the railroad barons and the rapacious trusts of the Elihu Root era; you are talking mainly about small business corporations.

Waxman was undeterred and hammered home the point that the focus was on much larger corporations. But again, he fell into a trap.

Remember, we were in “strict scrutiny” territory here, which means laws should be “narrowly tailored” and “the least restrictive means.”

We can hardly say that was true if the law affected all corporations when the government was saying it was only worried about the 4% of them that are large corporations.

Scalia pointed out that they could have drawn a line that excluded corporations with less than 100 employees, or some shit like that.

Waxman was like, “If some Podunk company wants to challenge it, let them. But these laws have been on the books forever with no challenges of this nature, until now.”

Samuel Alito – Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court

Justice Kennedy retorted, “Well, TV ads haven’t been around forever, and the history you’re talking about again applies to contributions, not expenditures.”

Justice Alito seemed rather annoyed at how Waxman kept mentioning legislation older than all of them.

Waxman was hoping that they’d accept the idea that an old law means it’s well-tested and accepted, and therefore beyond reproach.

Alito unimpressed with that quipped, “Old-ass laws get challenged for the first time every day. We don’t fucking care how old it is, we’re judging this shit on the merits—not its tenure.”

That was it for Waxman.


At this point, Theodore Olson had a five-minute rebuttal, and he started with how he believed the government kept moving the goalposts. First they could ban books—then they couldn’t.

But Notorious RBG interrupted him on that point, and argued, “The book-banning issue isn’t in play here, so why you bringing that shit up?”

Olson then added, “The government now says they’re willing to back off certain corporations, where before it was ‘No exceptions!'”

Then he said, “They also keep changing the rationale. Is it corruption, shareholder protection, equalization, distortion? Fucking pick a compelling interest already!”

Stephen Breyer – Associate Justice to the Supreme Court of the United States (1994-2022)

Justice Breyer asked, “The state created this artificial person we call corporations, then gave them abilities and capacities—so surely they can take them away.”

Olson responded, “Stop calling me Shirley,” then ended oral arguments with this:

My point is that the government here has an overbroad statute that covers every corporation irrespective of what its stockholders think, irrespective of whether it’s big, and whether it’s general—a big railroad baron or anything like that, and it doesn’t know, as it stands here today two years after this movie was offered for—to the public for its view, what media might be covered, what type of corporation might be covered and what compelling justification or narrow standard would be applied to this form of speech.


In cases like this that are clearly going to be “big fucking deals,” sometimes the court announces its opinion from the bench, where the Justice(s) who write the opinions give a synopsis of their opinion orally, as well as their written opinion—they did so here.

Justice Kennedy was first, announcing the majority opinion.

Anthony Kennedy – Associate Justice: Supreme Court of the United States
Served: 1988-2018

He started by rejecting the notion that this was an objective documentary, as opposed to just a political ad against Hillary Clinton.

Point for the FEC.

Second: Citizens United argued that because this was Video on Demand, delivered one house at a time, it wouldn’t meet the 50,000 or more persons provision for viewership that a normal television program would—it would essentially be one person, over and over again, and each instance would fall 49,999 short.

Kennedy was like, “That’s fucking stupid. One at a time isn’t just one—it can still add up to 50,000, even if they aren’t all viewed at precisely the same time.”

Point two for the FEC.

You might think the FEC is winning, but then his opinion took a quick right turn.

He opined that the difficulties created in interpreting all this shit would lead to a chilling of political speech by companies like Citizens United, who aren’t sure if the rules apply to what they’re doing or not. Political speech is absolutely the speech the First Amendment was designed to protect most.

As such, he announced that McConnell and Austin, which allowed restrictions on corporate political speech, must be “reexamined.”

He then said:

If the First Amendment has any force, it prohibits Congress from fining or jailing citizens or associations of citizens for simply engaging in political speech.

U.S. Constitution: 1st Amendment

Austin in its rationale, however, would allow the Government to ban corporations from expressing political views through any media, including media beyond those presented here and in this case such as by printing books.

Political speech is indispensable to decision making in a democracy and this is no less true because the speech comes from a corporation rather than an individual.

Austin’s rationale would produce the dangerous and unacceptable consequence that Congress could ban political speech of media corporations.

Media corporations are now exempt from 441b’s ban on political speech, but they amass wealth like other business corporations, so under Austin the Government could diminish the voice of a media business.

There is no precedent for permitting this under the First Amendment.

He went on to say:

The Government seeks to use its full power, including the criminal law, to command where a person may get his or her information or what distrusted source he or she may not hear, it uses censorship to control thought.

This is unlawful.

The First Amendment confirms the freedom to think for ourselves.

With that, Austin was overruled.

He then specifically added that with Austin in the shitcan, the ban on corporate independent expenditures was invalid and could not apply to this film.

So this was not just the BCRA 203 FECA amendment which banned electioneering communications, but the original FECA 441b provision which banned express advocacy was annihilated as well.

Big point for Citizens United.

The next point he addressed was the disclosure requirement—the provision in BCRA that requires donors to be outed. Justice Kennedy was like, “An informed electorate is a good thing—the right to free speech doesn’t confer a right to anonymity, so we’ll let that shit slide.”

Another win for the FEC. He left the door open, though, for future cases where one might be able to show that the threat of reprisal for political speech is real and challenge that later. Citizens United didn’t show that to be true for them, so the court wasn’t answering that shit now.


It’s worth noting that because there were many questions before the Court in this case, there was no one opinion answering everything. The justices concurred on certain questions, but then wrote separate opinions on others.

The only other oral opinion given was by Justice Stevens, who concurred in part with the majority, but was the main dissenting opinion.

John Paul Stevens – Justice Supreme Court of the United States
Served: 1975-2010
Lived: 1920-2019

He, along with Ginsburg, Breyer, and Sotomayor agreed that the reporting and disclosing part of BCRA was hunky-dory.

But they thought striking down BCRA 203 prohibiting corporations and unions from using general treasury funds for electioneering speech, and the overruling of Austin and McConnell were some grade-A bullshit.

Justice Stevens was in the majority on the McConnell opinion, so it was fair to say he hadn’t wavered on the belief of his own genius.

Justice Stevens took issue with the Court making such a broad ruling.

Like Kagan who was trying to choose how she was going to lose, he didn’t think they needed to go nearly this far. They could have left the other case law in place, left BCRA largely alone, and just carved out an exception for non-profits, in a much narrower ruling.

Let’s be honest—he was retiring soon. The idea that if they didn’t rule so broadly, there’d be a shit-ton of cases coming to the Court, seeking similar relief, wasn’t going to be his fucking problem.

He went on to lay out what he saw as five flaws with the majority opinion.

John Paul Stevens – Justice Supreme Court of the United States
Served: 1975-2010
Lived: 1920-2019
  1. They said that corporations were banned from political speech, the most protected of speech rights. But he argued this was just a limit on expenditures. He wasn’t wrong, but he wasn’t right, either.
  2. He thought it was bullshit that the First Amendment is absolute for corporations and people alike. He apparently liked the idea that since government created corporations, they were not endowed with inalienable rights like us people.
  3. He really didn’t like this new court shitting all over the previous court’s rulings in Austin and McConnell.

    [Editorial: My less-than-libertarian friends will probably always disagree on this, but the fact is corporations are just an entity made up of people.

    Limiting a corporation’s speech is limiting the speech of the people who own that corporation. That’s inarguable.

    What we’re really fighting about is whether they’re free to use the money the corporation earns to get that speech to more ears than normal. Both arguments have fair points, but I think in a free country, we should err on the side of more freedom, not less.

    You might wonder why an owner doesn’t just pay themselves the money and donate it personally—bypassing the whole corporate treasury problem. The answer is our convoluted tax code. The moment that money becomes personal income, they pay income tax on it before donating.

    Keeping it in the corporate structure is simply cheaper, which is why these rules exist in the first place—to close that tax loophole. A simple tax structure goes a long way to fix this, and many other legal issues that are surprisingly a result of an overcomplicated tax system.]
  4. He disagreed with the idea that the only compelling interest the government has is quid pro quo corruption, which again was not in play here since these were expenditures, not donations. He thought that the court should consider the “distortion” argument as a compelling governmental interest as well.
  5. He took issue with the idea that an enlightened self-government can only arise in the absence of such regulations.

    The majority was hinting that stifling political speech means people who may have wanted to hear that speech, and who would have been moved by it, suddenly wouldn’t get to hear it.

    Therefore, we wouldn’t become a better nation, since we missed out on some great fucking arguments, solely because corporations were making them.

He went on to point out that unlimited corporate speech can drown out the speech of individual citizens because it would have so much more money behind it to do so.

He then closed with this zinger:

While American democracy is still imperfect, few outside the majority of this Court would have thought its flaws included a shortage of corporate money in politics.


Whew, that was a doozy.

The court addressed four formal questions—let’s summarize their answers to those, before we get to the more controversial shit they did as well.

1) Did the Supreme Court’s decision in McConnell v. FEC resolve all constitutional as-applied challenges to BCRA when it upheld the disclosure requirements of the statute as constitutional?

Answer: No, it didn’t

2) Do BCRA’s disclosure requirements impose an unconstitutional burden when applied to electioneering communications because they are protected “political speech” and not subject to regulation as “campaign speech”?

Answer: No, they do not

3) If a communication lacks a clear plea to vote for or against a particular candidate, is it subject to regulation under the BCRA?

Answer: No, it is not

4) Should a feature length documentary about a candidate for political office be treated like the advertisements at issue in McConnell and therefore be subject to regulation under BCRA?

Answer: No, it should not

Now, this is the shit that will be debated for as long as Citizens United is case law. The Court went much further than just answering the questions before them, which was a fundamental part of Stevens’ dissent.

The Court overruled Austin and McConnell on constitutional grounds, and Stevens felt that this was judicial overreach (legislating from the bench), which it arguably is.

But Kennedy believed that if you leave Austin in place and carve out some weird statutory exemption for Citizens United, you’ve basically given them a win that only applies to them. A court ruling should carry broader precedential weight than that—it should apply to similar cases going forward, not just this one weird fucking case.

He clearly felt that if they left Austin in place, other similar cases would drag their asses to SCOTUS and bring up the same constitutional questions, until they finally answered this shit once and for all.

Leaving Austin in place as case law, when they clearly didn’t believe in it any more, meant they generally didn’t want other courts relying on it going forward either—they sure as hell wouldn’t rely on it.

He also felt that the “distortion” rationale from Austin was unconstitutional nonsense. Congress built BCRA on top of “distortion” as their “compelling governmental interest.” But the majority was like, “The First Amendment doesn’t go away because a corporation is more or less influential, man. That’s fucking crazy.”

Now that we’ve gotten through it, I urge you to think about all the arguments and take away one thing above all others. Both sides make pretty strong arguments. Let’s assume they mean well, and are trying to make America a better place as they see it, as opposed to holding some zealous ideological line that assumes the other side is evil.

We certainly all want less corruption in politics, and thus would have good cause to support the FEC’s position here. But we also believe in freedom and don’t want political speech stifled. Congress tried to address the issue fairly—BCRA was bipartisan, after all.

It’s clear that the majority feared the slippery slope of governmental censorship, and many of their arguments addressed what could happen if this law were enforced to extremes.

What I’d ask of every reader is to remember a mantra often echoed in science: “That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be.”

For years, people have said Citizens United created corporate personhood. Let’s shut that shit down right meow.

Nowhere in the majority opinion did that occur—nor the dissent, for that matter.

The opinion was far more nuanced and narrow. An easier way to frame it would be to say this case suggests that the First Amendment protects speech itself, not just the speaker.

Corporations had “rights” for over a hundred years. You couldn’t steal from them, you couldn’t blow them up, you couldn’t violate them in pretty much any way that was illegal if you did it to an actual person.

The second fallacy about this case was that it allowed unlimited corporate money to flow into politics. No the hell it did not.

Remember, this case was about expenditures, not donations. Corporate donations were completely unaffected by this and are still prohibited to this day. Any provisions preventing corporations from greasing palms were left unmolested.

What changed is that corporations were free to put out political messages at their own expense. Since these were independent acts unrelated to the efforts of a politician, where no money exchanged hands, it’s hard to argue it could lead to government corruption. Even the FEC argued it was a distortion issue, not corruption.

I’ll give you the distortion argument all day—that’s real, and a fair argument against this ruling. But the court failed to consider distortion a compelling governmental interest, as required by strict scrutiny when limiting political speech, and I can see that argument. Stifling such speech shouldn’t be taken lightly.

I’ve spoken with a lot of people who have strong opinions about this case, yet know very little about it outside of shit they read on the socials, pundit misinformation, uninformed reporting, or what their idiot uncle Fred read on FreedomEaglePatriot69.com (a most reliable source).

I would suggest everyone find their humility button on these cases. Be open to new information.

Accept that even if you’re a lawyer, you may not fully understand this case unless you took the time to listen to oral arguments and the opinions.

Appreciate that like a significant amount of case law, both sides have fair arguments. If one side was ridiculous, it probably wouldn’t have made it to SCOTUS in the first place.

You can pick who you think should have won, but at least accept the other side wasn’t batshit crazy, and then debate their position with the respect you’d want them to show you.

Hear oral arguments and opinions or read about the case here at Oyez.

Average Joe SCOTUS: Vega v. Tekoh

I’m going to assume you’ve all heard of Miranda rights, correct?

It’s some version of this, depending on the state:

  • You have the right to remain silent.
  • Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
  • You have the right to an attorney.
  • If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you before any questioning if you wish.

In the United States, the fifth amendment reads as follows:

Fifth Amendment

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Miranda addresses the part about not being compelled to be a witness against yourself. You see, back in 1963, Ernesto Miranda decided to kidnap a women, then put his dick some place it didn’t belong.

Ernesto Miranda

The police picked him up, questioned him for two hours, and eventually obtained a written confession from him. At no point however, did police tell Ernesto that he had a right to a lawyer.

So armed with the confession, Arizona prosecuted his ass—easily winning their case against him.

Miranda eventually obtained a lawyer, however, who decided that there should be a fucking rule that forces police to advise a person of their rights when they’re arrested. Without that, such confessions should be thrown out, as a lawyer may have advised their client to say or do something quite different from what they actually said and did.

Folks, remember four words if you’re ever being questioned by police: “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” That’s it. SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Ask for a lawyer, and say nothing, no matter what the situation is. Period. Always. Every fucking time. Got it?

It’s not that police are bad, but when you’re a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Police tend to feel like everyone they’re talking to is a bad actor. So on the off chance you might say something that makes them question your innocence, even when you are innocent, you could find yourself in a bad situation because you failed to SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Anyway, Miranda won at SCOTUS and his confession was thrown out, making his trial a mistrial. Since appellate victories don’t trigger the double jeopardy rule, Arizona tried Miranda again, without the confession, and still won.

So while Miranda changed US Law forever—helping innocent people not get railroaded by aggressive government tactics, that fucker was guilty as sin, and his SCOTUS victory didn’t help him one iota.

Now that we’ve covered Miranda, let’s talk about 42 U.S. Code § 1983 – Civil action for deprivation of rights.

This is a law that says, if government violates your constitutional rights, you can fucking sue them for civil damages.

Miranda and code 1983 are what’s at issue here in this case.

Terence Tekoh was a low-level patient transporter at a Los Angeles hospital.

Terence Tekoh

A young lady was in the hospital, and at one point, under heavy sedation. During that time, she asserted that Tekoh channeled his inner Miranda and stuck a finger in her vagina while she was in the hospital.

The hospital called the fuzz, and Officer Carlos Vega showed up, questioned Tekoh for some time, without ever reading him his Miranda rights, and eventually Tekow wrote an apology for touching the patient inappropriately, which was deemed as a confession.

However, Tekoh was acquitted in his second trial after an initial mistrial.

I’m not sure how someone’s first hand testimony that he molested them wasn’t sufficient for a conviction, but I guess I have to trust the 12 angry men on this one.

Anyway, Tekoh, feeling like he won the lottery after his acquittal decided to double down and sue Officer Vega for violating his constitutional rights.

He argued that he didn’t vountarily talk with Vega, Vega pulled him aside, called him a bunch of racial slurs, threatened to deport his family, and a whole host of other shit, until he confessed.

I won’t bore you with the lower court shit, just know it made it to SCOTUS, and their question was, is Miranda a constitutional right, and if so, can Tekoh sue if he’s not Mirandized?

Let’s go to the arguments:

Roman Martinez

First up: Roman Martinez representing officer Vega.

He opened by arguing Miranda is simply a prophylactic rule designed to protect a person’s fifth amendment rights, and is not a right in and of itself. Just because you’re not mirandized, doesn’t necessarily mean your constitutional rights were violated.

He argues that while Miranda helps protect the fifth amendment rights of the individual, if some moron just blurts out a confession before officers mirandized them, you can’t fairly say the cops violated their constitutional rights and coerced a confession.

He argues that Vega merely took Tekoh’s statement. There was no evidence of coercion, courts and juries didn’t feel Vega did anything wrong, Tekoh just blurted out what he had done.

Justice Thomas was the first to chime in, since he has seniority and all. He asked about a previous case, Dickerson V. United States. So let’s discuss that for a minute.

Associate Justice Clarence Thomas

In that case, congress has passed 18 U.S. Code § 3501 – Admissibility of confessions. This statute came about after the Miranda case law was established, and was congress’ attempt to legislate away Miranda rights by saying voluntary confessions given before Miranda rights are given, should be admissible in court.

However, SCOTUS told congress to go pound sand with this shit, and the reason why is very important.

I know I go off on tangents—not even gonna apologize for that. Eat my entire ass if you don’t like it—I’m trying to learn y’all something.

The courts job is to interpret laws, regulations, executive orders, the constitution, and other case law. When they do this, it establishes new case law. But not all laws are on the same tier.

In the case of Miranda, they were interpreting the constitution. The case law they created in Miranda therefore is at the constitutional tier. Congress pass statutes, but they are on a lower tier to the constitution. So while congress could create new statutes to invalidate case law regarding a statute, they can’t write a statute invalidating case law over a constitutional principle, otherwise a law would be trumping the constitution. This is Dickerson in a nutshell. SCOTUS ruled in Dickerson, that congress cannot legislate away constitutional case law.

OK, done digressing, back to the case.

Justice Thomas wanted to know if Dickerson destroyed Vega’s case. If SCOTUS ruled that Miranda couldn’t be overruled solely by statute, then doesn’t that make Miranda a constitutional issue, and therefore qualify it as a constitutional violation?

But Counsel Martinez was like, “Nah, man. Miranda protects a constitutional right, but it isn’t a right in and of itself. It’s constitution-adjacent.”

Justice Roberts next asked:

Supreme Court of the United States Chief Justice John Roberts

John G. Roberts, Jr.

Mr. Martinez, if I could focus just for a minute on the language of the cause of action here, 1983.

It gives individuals a right against the deprivation of any rights, privileges, or immunities secured by the Constitution and laws. Now, under Miranda, you have a right not to have unwarned confessions admitted into evidence.

You wouldn’t have that right if it weren’t for the Constitution.

So why isn’t that right one secured by the Constitution?

Counsel Martinez responded, “Man, a rule to protect a constitutional right isn’t a constitutional right itself. Nowhere else does this occur, that some stupid-ass procedural rule that protects a constitutional right, all of a sudden becomes a constitutional right in and of itself.”

Justice Kagan was the next to chime in. She could not wrap her head around the argument that Miranda is there to ensure the 5th amendment rights are preserved, and that if a Miranda warning isn’t given, that somehow counsel argues that doesn’t necessarily mean his 5th amendment rights were violated.

Associate Justice Elena Kagan

Counsel Martinez suggested that just because Miranda wasn’t given, could it not be true that cops were having a discussion with him, and he admitted to what he had done in a moment of guilt?

That maybe he wanted to confess, even if he knew he didn’t have to answer their questions?

There’s no reason to assume his confession was coerced at all, without evidence of such. Therefore, his right not to self-incriminate doesn’t have to have been violated.

Justice Sotomayor asked:

Can you tell me why we’re here?

Simple question, but complex reason. She’s asking that Vega not Mirandizing him may have violated his Miranda rights, but it was the prosecutor and courts who chose to admit that confession who royally fucked Tekoh in the ass. So why sue Vega?

Martinez was like, “Fucking Vega lied to the prosecutor and the courts about this bullshit confession he obtained. That’s why we’re going after him. The prosecutor and judge were going on bad info from Vega!”

Next up is Vivek Suri. He’s representing the federal government under Biden, as an amicus, in support of Vega.

His opener was a short banger.

Vivek Suri

Mr. Chief Justice, and may it please the Court: Miranda recognized a constitutional right, but it’s a trial right concerning the exclusion of evidence at a criminal trial.

It isn’t a substantive right to receive the Miranda warnings themselves. A police officer who fails to provide the Miranda warnings accordingly doesn’t himself violate the constitutional right, and he also isn’t legally responsible for any violation that might occur later at the trial.

He’s basically saying, even if the cop fucked up and didn’t mirandize, the prosecutor brought the evidence in, and the judge allowed it. So why is Vega the asshole here?

Justice Thomas jumped in first again, and simply asked, what if the officer lies about what happened during the interrogation?

Vivek is largely arguing 1983 claims are about things that happen outside of trial. But things that happen during the trial, are generally not 1983 claims, such as ineffective counsel, or other poor actions by the judge and prosecutor.

Vivek essentially argues that the remedy for a Miranda claim, is just to throw out the testimony that was given before a baddie was mirandized. It’s not to make it rain cash on the poor sucker.

Last up is Paul Hoffman, representing Mr. Tekoh, AKA Goldfinger.

He’s arguing that Officer Vega’s account is bullshit. Tekoh did not just willingly give up this info. Vega threatened him with deportation and shit, until he confessed.

Vega then lied and suggested that Tekoh, out of the blue, was just like, “Hey man, I’m sorry, I fingered her without her consent. I’m an asshole. Totally my bad.” As if somehow, he didn’t even feel he needed to Mirandize him yet, but then Tekoh just dropped the dime on himself straight away.

Paul Hoffman

Problem for Hoffman, none of the fucking trials actually found, based on the evidence, that Vega did coerce Tekoh. It’s Tekoh’s story, but that’s it.

If Tekoh just blurted out his guilt willy nilly, Vega really didn’t do anything wrong. But Hoffman needs to prove that Vega threatened him with deportation and such, and he just doesn’t have any court findings or testimony to back that shit up.

Think of it like three steps. The use of an unMirandized statement is a violating of the fifth amendment. 1983 let’s you sue for damages if your rights are violated. If Vega lied and said the confession wasn’t coerced when it was in fact coerced, and that confession was admitted into evidence, than Tekoh’s constitutional rights were violated by Vega, and Vega should be rewarded with some 1983 dollars.

If Vega is telling the truth, and Tekoh just sang like a canary because he was feeling guilty, as Vega suggested at trial, then Vega didn’t coerce that confession, he’s just reporting what he heard Tekoh say.

Since Tekoh was exonerated, you might wonder what harm he is claiming. The confession didn’t help the government convict Tekoh. But Tekoh’s claiming that the fact his confession was used as evidence against him, led to him having to endure a trial at all, and therefore he was harmed.

Hoffman is arguing that Tekoh’s life and reputation were harmed by all this, and none of it would have happened, had Vega Mirandized him, instead of interrogating him. And that’s what 1983 is there for—violations just like this.

The opinion, written by Justice Alito, and joined by the other 5 Republican appointees, decided it didn’t give a fuck whether Vega lied or not. That Miranda is not a constitutional right, it is a prophylactic rule that merely protects a constitutional right. The remedy for a Miranda violation is the evidence not being allowed into trial. It isn’t 1983 dolla dolla bills y’all.

Essentially, he’s saying that because it’s possible Tekoh just blurted out his confession, and Vega was in earshot of it, which would be admissible in court, that this proves that not mirandizing someone isn’t always a fifth amendment violation.

He wrote:

A violation of Miranda does not necessarily constitute a violation of the Constitution, and therefore such a violation does not constitute “the deprivation of a right secured by the Constitution” which is necessary to secure a 42 U. S. C. §1983 claim.

So Tekoh can go fuck himself, instead of his patients—he’s lucky he was acquitted.

Justice Kagan wrote the dissent. I’ll summarize it this way. “If Miranda is required to protect someone’s 5th amendment rights, and a Miranda warning isn’t given, someone’s fifth amendment rights were fucking violated. Alito, respectfully, you’re a crusty old senile fuck, and you should retire.”

Average Joe SCOTUS: Loper Bright Enterprises v. Raimondo

Ever heard of the Chevron Oil Company? They’re kinda a big fucking deal in big oil.

Well, they were also kinda a big fucking deal in America’s court system.

Before we get into Loper and Raimondo, our case for today, we have to understand why Chevron was such a BFD in the courts. It goes back to 1984 landmark case, Chevron U. S. A. Inc. v. Natural Resources Defense Council, Inc.

No one knew at the time, that it would be a landmark case, initially, it was your basic snooze fest. But, it has since been cited in other cases over 18,000 god damn times.

Was Chevron a fascinating case with a compelling opinion? That’s a big nope. And, since this isn’t our case today, I’m just going to give a simple overview.

But before we get into that, we need to explain a distinction I don’t think I’ve covered before.

In the United States, we tend to think that congress are the only people who write laws. While this is the framework the constitution lays out, it gets complicated.

The word law, for our purposes, is a generic term that basically encompasses anything the government has created to control, regulate, or restrain itself, or the people. But, there are five types of things that carry the weight of law, which have different purposes.

  • The Constitution: It is the document creating government and restraining government, which all other laws derive from. So it’s the shit. From there, if:
  • Congress wrote it: This is called a statute, often called an act. This is how the constitution suggests laws are to be passed, and aside from the constitution, they carry the most weight.
  • The courts wrote it: This is called case law, or precedent. The constitution didn’t really grant this power to the courts, SCOTUS gave it to themselves in Marbury v. Madison (1803), by suggesting the constitution gave them this power when it created the courts and ordered them to interpret law. (That said, congress can then rewrite the law—invalidating the opinion. However, if the courts strike down a law as unconstitutional, congress can’t just repass a law with the same unconstitutional premise—they’d need a constitutional amendment to do that.
  • The executive (president) wrote it: This is called an executive order. Also not in the constitution, much like SCOTUS with case law, presidents just decided to start doing it. These derive from the president’s authority to execute the law. Many think of these as laws directing the people, but they are just formal orders to members of the executive branch. Because the executive branch often direct people what to do, an EO can indirectly affect the public, but citizens aren’t beholden to follow executive orders in any way. They carry the weight of law, but SCOTUS can strike them as unconstitutional or illegal, and congress could even modify a law that the EO is intended to enforce, invalidating the EO by design.
  • An agency wrote it: This is called a regulation. It is meant to expand upon laws (statutes) congress wrote, not to have been new law created from nothing.

As you can see, congress ultimately has the broadest power to write laws, since they can invalidate any other forms of law, aside from the constitution itself.

President Barack Obama delivers a health care address to a joint session of Congress at the United States Capitol in Washington, D.C., Sept. 9, 2009. (Official White House Photo by Lawrence Jackson)

This case will specifically hinge around statutes and regulations, so I will make sure to use those terms appropriately. I wanted to make sure you, the reader, understand those distinctions, as this case is all about that shit.

We all know about the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), right? Well, the 1970 Clean Air Act was their jam. It had a rule that said any new major “stationary sources” of pollution had to have a permit.

The idea was, if you had a factory or some large device in a place of business which was putting out pollutants, when it came time to replace that shit or build a new one elsewhere, it required a permit. The permit would then require that the replacement was cleaner than it’s outgoing counterpart.

However, to make life easier, if a company had for instance, a group of major polluting devices that worked in concert together at one location, then one of the components of that group took a shit, the company could replace it without obtaining a new permit, so long as the replacement component didn’t increase the total pollution coming out of the whole “bubble” of devices, as they called it.

It didn’t have to be better, just equal.

So, Chevron went about replacing one of these polluting devices, without upgrading it, under this bubble rule.

Great googly moogly, did that piss off environmentalists—they were none too fucking pleased. They wanted it replaced with a cleaner device.

Since the Clean Air Act (a statute written by congress, remember) didn’t really define a “stationary source” very well, the EPA (a regulatory agency) wrote the “bubble” rule into their regulation to clarify.

In their infinite wisdom, they felt it was a reasonable interpretation of the Clean Air Act’s intent—they were the experts after all. They didn’t think that just needing to repair an otherwise operative system somehow meant a company had to overhaul it completely. Not to mention, sometimes upgrading one component would require upgrading all of them, which could get really expensive.

But of course, environmentalists are the most nauseating group of social justice warriors that ever lived, and they decided to file suit, arguing that the EPA had no right to create this definition out of nowhere, just because it wasn’t well-defined in the Clean Air Act.

SCOTUS however, decided that since the Clean Air Act was ambiguous on this shit, and the EPA were the fucking experts, in such situations the court should defer to their judgement.

This one ruling, and the precedent it set, eventually translated into the idea that all government agencies should be deferred to, going forward, if they made a regulation in their expertise, that clarified ambiguous statutes written by congress, used to create the agency, or written to be regulated by that agency. It became known as the Chevron Deference, and it has been case law ever since.

As you can imagine, with a lot of government agencies, and a shit-ton of regulations, it makes sense that this case has been cited 18,000 times.

Now that you understand the basics of Chevron, let’s move on to our case today.

A group of fisherman (Loper Bright Enterprises) liked to fish in federal waters. But in this country, we often have a problem with over-fishing, where these commercial vessels take so many fish, that those populations of fish can’t reproduce fast enough to keep the species around for others to fish later.

Congress had had enough of this shit. They passed the Magnuson-Stevens Act (MSA), which is enforced by the National Marine Fisheries Service (NMFS), a federal agency, similar to the EPA referenced in the Chevron case above, albeit much smaller.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “So how the hell does the government make sure that some asshole fishermen don’t overfish an area? They’re in the middle of the fucking ocean!”

No, it’s not with satellites, or sharks with laser beams on their fucking heads. They decided that they would require these fishermen to take a fed out on the boat with them. What made it worse to the fishermen, they had to fucking pay that fed to sail with them.

Imagine, in order to prevent speeding, if the Highway Patrol made you carry an officer in the car with you, and pay their salary for doing so. It’s hyperbolic, and just used to illustrate the point, but you can see why they might have beef with this.

The Magnuson-Stevens Act passed by congress didn’t specify this was the plan, but the NMFS decided to write that regulation, presumably because they couldn’t afford to pay these narks on their own budget. Since Chevron suggested such ambiguous law could rightly be clarified by them, they fucking went for it.

Under Chevron, the courts couldn’t really undo the rules made by NMFS, since the MSA didn’t create a clear rule for them to follow. So that’s why we’re here. To determine if these fishermen have a fair beef with NMFS, and potentially, if a previous SCOTUS was running a little fast and loose when creating this Chevron deference shit.

I’m going to go out on a limb, and explain the politics of this, because why the fuck not.

It’s important to understand a couple things. Remember, regulatory agencies are created by statutes which congress writes, but then the head of that agency is appointed by the president (with the consent of congress), and can by fired by that president, if the president is unhappy with the work they’re doing.

As such, a regulatory agency, is essentially, part of the executive branch.

So the concern, is that there are situations where the president might want congress to pass a statute, but Congress simply don’t have the votes to do so.

So what may happen, is the president looks at the regulatory agencies they oversee, and if one has some tacit connection to the statute they wanted passed, but couldn’t get passed, they tell the head of that agency to write a regulation that resembles the law they wanted. And then—abracadabra-alakazam—you have a law, and you didn’t need congress to pass it.

Since the constitutional principle of separation of powers suggests laws are to be passed by congress as statutes, and not the executive orders or regulations that come from the president, you can understand the separation of powers issue some people have.

People on the right tend to be for limited government, or at least that’s what they say, so they aren’t keen to give presidents this much power.

For Democrats, they argue that if a law is ambiguous about something, it makes sense for regulatory agencies to clarify. They’re the fucking experts, and it’s why congress creates these agencies in the first place.

For instance, imagine congress passes a law that creates the EPA, and says they’re supposed to ensure that the CO2 levels in the air stay within a range that’s acceptable for all current life on earth.

Since they don’t provide an actual number, it’s ambiguous.

So then they rely on the nerds at the EPA to do some science, come up with a number, and make that the regulation. Scientists are open to revising their beliefs based on new information, so if they find out their number is wrong, they can easily update the regulation based on the new science they did.

But you know who wouldn’t figure out what that number is? The fucking courts. They’re law nerds, not science nerds.

Now that you understand both political arguments, you know what I think? They’re both fucking right! They’re making extremely valid points.

Here’s where the politics come in. The left argue that the right are basically rebuking the expertise of the scientists, and instead, acting like they can do just as good of a job interpreting this shit.

They argue that this “separation of powers” issue is swamp gas. But this, I have a problem with.

As you may remember, I wrote about a little case called, National Federation of Independent Business v. Occupational Safety and Health Administration.

I won’t re-explain the whole thing here, just know these basic facts.

Joe Biden is not an expert in virology or communicable diseases.

During the COVID pandemic, Joe Biden wanted congress to pass a law requiring everyone get vaccinated, and if not, to wear a mask in public. Presumably for as long as the CDC suggested we were in a pandemic.

Democrats were tacitly supportive of this, but Republicans were like, “Absolutely not! This is America. We’re a free country, and we don’t do shit like this.”

Joe Biden, being the senile by crafty fucker he is, unable to get congress to pass such a law, asked OSHA to make a regulation requiring vaccinations or a mask in the workplace, instead. This effectively would have had almost the same effect as the law he wanted, since the unemployment rate is only about 4%.

SCOTUS overruled that regulation, and Biden lost. But at the time, for whatever reason, they did not overturn Chevron.

President Joe Biden

So like it or not, there was a real world example of precisely what the right-wing were complaining about, that is quite recent, and quite true. A non-expert president, overstepped his constitutional authority, and bypassed congress to achieve his political goals.

So accusing the right of being conspiratorial and shit, is pretty unfair, in this case.

Anyway, now that you know all that, on to the arguments…


Up first, for the Loper Bright team, represented by veteran SCOTUS counsel Paul Clement.

Paul Clement

He opened first, by arguing that the expense of lugging around, and paying for, a fed on a fishing boat isn’t insignificant. It can be as much as 20% of their cost, for a smaller operation.

Not to mention, some of these boats are small, and an extra person gets in the way.

But then, he went after the big fish—the Chevron deference itself.

He spent most of his opening remarks saying that this deference was wrongly decided, and should be abandoned, while maintaining that the Chevron case itself was probably fairly decided.

His argument is that the courts need not determine whether the statute is ambiguous, and therefore a regulatory agency has the unquestionable right to clarify. But instead, that the courts should do what they always do, give their opinion as to what the best reading of the statute is.

Justice Thomas started by asking counsel about mandamus. What is mandamus you ask? I had to look that shit up, too.

Mandamus is when the courts, issue an order to a lower government official, telling them to do their fucking job the way they think that person ought to do it, under the law.

So for instance, if a higher court thinks a lower court have wrongly denied an innocent person their freedom on appeal, and that lower court refuses to take the actions needed to release the person, maybe because they’re arrogant cunts who think they could not have possibly fucked up, they may use a writ of mandamus and basically say, “We weren’t asking, motherfucker—release him now.”

So the nature of his question, is about whether higher courts should tell lower courts how to consider these questions, versus what the opposition wants, which is to defer to regulatory agencies and their expertise, in matters where the law isn’t very specific.

Clement was like, “the constitution gave the power to interpret law to the fucking courts. Then your predecessors, in Chevron, basically gave that power away to the executive branch, since regulatory agencies answer to the president. That’s some grade A bullshit, right there.”

So in summary, he’s saying it’s a separation of powers issue, and the court was wrong to relinquish that power. Unless we’re to amend the constitution, interpreting statutes is the job of the fucking courts.

So if a statute is ambiguous, either congress needs to rewrite it, or the courts get to interpret it. The courts are certainly free to agree with a regulatory agency, but Chevron suggests they shouldn’t even look at the agency’s regulation if the statute is ambiguous, and that shit is wrong.

Justice Sotomayor, digging her heels in early, accused Clement of using some wonderful rhetoric.

Official Portrait of United States Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor Click for Biography

She stated that if a statute uses the word “reasonable,” that it’s delegating the authority to define what is reasonable to the agency the statute created.

However, Clement was having none of this shit. He was like, “the law on domestic fisheries is that they shouldn’t incur more than 2-3% of the cost of the catch—clearly they fucking thought about this issue.

So by what reason would your dumb ass think a 20% expense for these fishermen fishing off-shore waters is what congress intended? Have you ever even running a fucking business?”

While I’m sure the regulatory agency feels empowered to do such a thing, their power comes from congress, and congress wrote similar provisions into the statute where they capped it much lower.

So the problem with Chevron is, courts would normally answer statute questions—they’re the fucking experts on that. They should be well within their wheelhouse to look at one, and say, “this dog doesn’t fucking hunt.”

Justice Roberts, coming to the defense of Chevron asked, “It seems to me, you’re arguing that the law is not ambiguous, and therefore Chevron doesn’t apply. Right?”

Supreme Court of the United States Chief Justice John Roberts

Counsel Clement was like, “let me put it another way. Chevron says, if you look at a law, and you think you could interpret it in more than one way, you assholes normally decide what the best interpretation is.

That’s your fucking job.

So why would it make sense, in this Chevron context, to all of a sudden be like, ‘Nah, we’ll let the president and his fucking minions sort this shit out.’?”

Justice Kagan chimed in next and said, “Listen you little fuckwit. In normal statutes, if congress writes a shitty fucking law, you’re right. We’re on our own interpreting that shit. We do our best best with our legal expertise.

But if there’s a law that creates an agency, congress has given us a tool to answer such questions in the form of experts. Hell, you could even argue, that the law specifically created the agency to answer those questions. But you’re saying we should shove that tool squarely up our asses and ignore it? I think not.

We’ll use that tool, because a lot of times, they fucking understand the issue way better than we do, and why the fuck wouldn’t we defer to them when congress created them for that purpose?”

Counsel Clement then tried to argue that they had an amicus brief from the House of representatives saying it doesn’t want Chevron. But boy did he fuck up mentioning this, because Justice Kagan fucking drilled him.

She rightly pointed out that congress has the power right now to overturn any aspect of Chevron it wants with new law. Clearly they fucking don’t have the votes. For forty fucking years, they haven’t done so. So you and I both know, it’s just a bunch of your right-wing assholes that wrote that shit, not congress as a whole.

Associate Justice Elena Kagan

Counsel Clement regained his composure, and put Justice Kagan back on blast with this:

It’s really convenient for some members of Congress not to have to tackle the hard questions and to rely on their friends in the executive branch to get them everything they want. I also think Justice Kavanaugh is right that even if Congress did it, the president would veto it.

And I think the third problem is, and fundamentally even more problematic, is if you get back to that fundamental premise of Chevron that when there’s silence or ambiguity, we know the agency wanted to delegate to the agency.

That is just fictional, and it’s fictional in a particular way, which is it assumes that ambiguity is always a delegation. But ambiguity is not always a delegation.

And more often, what ambiguity is, I don’t have enough votes in Congress to make it clear, so I’m going to leave it ambiguous, that’s how we’re going to get over the bicameralism and presentment hurdle, and then we’ll give it to my friends in the agency and they’ll take it from here.

And that ends up with a phenomenon where we have major problems in society that aren’t being solved because, instead of actually doing the hard work of legislation where you have to compromise with the other side at the risk of maybe drawing a primary challenger, you rely on an executive branch friend to do what you want.

And it’s not hypothetical.

He’s not wrong. The above Biden example, with his OSHA vaccine mandate—is exactly what counsel Clement is pointing out.

Counsel Clement also mentioned a “Brand X” decision often in his arguments, citing it as a prime example supporting his argument.

He’s referring to National Cable & Telecommunications Association v. Brand X Internet Services. A case where the Rehnquist court in 2005, decided that Brand X, a broadband internet company, who was trying to avoid telecommunications regulations by saying it was an internet company, won their case, because the FCC basically stated they weren’t a telecommunications company, and Chevron deference meant the courts were supposed to simply accept that shit—which they did.

His argument was that the courts didn’t agree with the FCC, but the Chevron precedent suggested they had to go with the FCC’s interpretation whether they liked it or not.

Clement seemed to be arguing that this is an opportunity for the court to say, “You know what, we have the power, not these fucking agencies. We’re not handing the power over entirely anymore, we’re taking it back.

His other underlying concern, is that these agencies are vast and varied. So their decisions create new conflicts and precedents, where one agency might decide one way, and another addressing the same exact ambiguity, might regulate in a polar opposite way.

This is in contrast to the courts, who have case law and precedent, which aims to make consistent, things like this.

He even went on to attack congress rather directly, saying that the minority are using Chevron deference to get the president, if they agree with them, to pass laws as regulations, where they know they don’t have the votes to pass themselves. That’s not a soft jab, that’s a straight bomb to the face.

It’s a clear argument that Chevron is leading to direct violations of the separation of powers doctrine our constitution lays out.

Justice Alito asked counsel Clement about what he thinks changed since Chevron was decided. Was it right then, but wrong now?

Associate Justice Samuel Alito

Counsel Clement first laid out that the courts seem to have embraced textualism more, now.

Textualism just means that the courts interpret the laws as written, not how they think congress may have intended.

He points out, that he thinks the courts were simply wrongly removed from the equation entirely, with Chevron.

If the regulation is based on the expertise of the agency, the courts could and should recognize as much, and let it stand. But the courts should not just assume that’s true and walk away before even examining it.

If the courts recognize that it’s not a regulation based on expertise, but instead, based on politics where the minority and the executive are bypassing congress, the courts should step in and put a stop to it.

Justice Kagan, not a fan of Clement’s position, asked, “we have over 70 SCOTUS cases that relied on Chevron, and over 17,000 lower court cases relied on it. You want us to blow all the shit to kingdom come? What the fuck is wrong with you? The courts will be inundated with new cases, dogs will be sleeping with cars, it’ll be total chaos!”

Clement was like, “I’m not suggesting you blow up anything. No need to revisit a bunch of old cases. I’m suggesting you have the power to interpret law. Not congress. So why the fuck would you entirely give that power to congress, in this context?”

He specifically even said:

I don’t think you actually want to invite, in all candor, that particular fox into your henhouse and tell you how to go about interpreting statutes or how to go about dealing with qualified immunity defenses.

It is rather interesting he’s trying to get the courts to take power back, and the left-leaning justices seem very unwilling to take it.

I know this is disrespectful or arrogant, and I feel bad even saying it, but I think this is a case of political ideology clouding judgement. These justices are toeing a line their political compatriots want them to, instead of thinking critically. But I will try to remain humble, and open to the idea that I’m wrong here.

Clement went on to say, “Listen, I’m not saying overturn a shit ton of cases that relied on Chevron. Again, all I’m saying, is the court shouldn’t remove itself entirely. If the agency can demonstrate to the court, it’s decision is based on expertise the courts don’t have, then the courts should certainly let that shit ride, and not decide it themselves.

But if the courts recognize it’s simple politics, and not expertise, tell them to go pound sand up their ass.

However, Chevron is saying that they shouldn’t even analyze this, and that’s the problem Clement has.


Next up for the government, Solicitor General Elizabeth Prelogar.

Solicitor General Elizabeth Barchas Prelogar

She started off by saying the opposition acknowledges that congress can grant authority to agencies, allowing the executive to fill in the gaps they may leave in their legislation for an expert the executive appoints, to fill.

If so, then what the fuck is this grand attack on Chevron? If congress can expressly delegate those powers, why can’t they implicitly delegate them?

She also pointed out stare decisis (latin for “Stand by what’s decided”). The courts generally don’t like to overrule themselves, because then the law is all over the fucking place. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

So she argues, the court could clarify or build upon Chevron, while maintaining the basic principle, as overruling it entirely violates stare decisis.

Justice Thomas started by asking about situations where the law is ambiguous, versus the law is just silent.

General Prolegar pointed out that there are several provisions in the act pertaining to the fishery that talk about how it would be monitored, and by whom. So she argues that the statute isn’t silent at all.

Associate Justice Clarence Thomas

Justice Neil “Golden Voice” Gorsuch was like, OK if you think this statute is clear, and we think it’s clear, isn’t that the kind of shit we interpret every day? Why should we defer that to someone else?

He then asked, “if we all, in this room, think it’s clear, but a lower court didn’t think it was, isn’t that a fucking problem?

Isn’t that evidence that interpreting the statute is almost always ambiguous? If experts on law like us, can come to two different interpretations, there has to be some ambiguousness.

If so, then this Chevron test itself, is too ambiguous? Certainly we’re not supposed to give up on interpreting every statue and related regulation and let agencies handle it? We’re the experts on statutes, not regulatory agencies.

So we should decide if it’s a statutory issue, or an issue of expertise. If it’s statutory, then we fucking decide it. The nerds can handle the other shit.”

He points out that the “ambiguity” trigger in Chevron is so vague, we can’t even decide if it applies to this case or not.

I understand if congress specifically gives the authority to the agency to answer a question in the statute. But you lost me at the idea we should just infer it if the language seems unclear to anyone. That’s crazy talk!”

Associate Justice Neil Gorsuch

Counsel Prelogar pointed out that when creating an agency, congress wholly understands its limits of expertise. It purposefully leaves gaps in these laws for these agencies to fill in with regulation, and they have the authority to do so. All Chevron does is recognize that, and honor what congress intended.

Justice Barrett then asked about the previous Brand X ruling, that used the Chevron deference as it’s underpinning. She asked, “Brand X basically said, even if we, the court, have an opinion about the law, and we think it’s better than the regulatory agency’s interpretation, if the court deems the agency’s interpretation is fair or reasonable, it has to go with the interpretation, and ignore what the court thinks is best. But you’re saying we don’t do that, we just use our best judgement based on all the interpretations?”

General Prelogar said she didn’t read Brand X that way. She felt that if the court could see congress did or didn’t delegate the authority to the agency in Step 1 (the statute), then there was no need to go to step 2 (the regulation) and decide if the regulation is fair or reasonable—the court should defer to the agency.

This talk of steps should probably be explained. Chevron was a two-step process.

Step one was to determine if the law was ambiguous or not. If it wasn’t, then Chevron doesn’t apply, and the courts should interpret the statue or regulation, how they see fit.

If the courts believe the statute is ambiguous, then they go to step 2, and determine if the regulation the agency wrote to clear up that ambiguity is reasonable. If it is, then the courts should defer to it, as opposed to coming up with their own interpretation.

Justice Barrett seemed concerned that there’s a facet of step 1 that says they don’t even go to step 2. Barrett’s argument is that the courts should at least go to step 2 and consider the regulation. Step 2 could have some pretty repugnant shit that the courts would never allow.

Associate Justice Amy Coney Barrett

Justice Roberts asked if Chevron applies to constitutional questions.

Sometimes the court just clears up ambiguously written law, but sometimes it weighs whether the law is even constitutional.

So if step 1 (the statute) is ambiguous, and step 2 (the regulation) is unconstitutional in the court’s eyes, Chevron seems to suggest the courts should still allow the unconstitutional regulation, because they were not supposed to even go to step 2.

But General Prelogar, conceding Justice Robert’s point, suggested Chevron was not meant to block constitutional questions, only to clarify statutory questions.

Counsel Prelogar suggested that they’re interpreting Chevron wrong. It isn’t that the courts don’t even get to step 2. Her opinion is that they always would.

They look at step one and simply determine if the statute is ambiguous. If it isn’t ambiguous, they would ensure that step 2 jibes with step 1, or is constitutional.

If the statute is ambiguous, then they look at step 2, and see if the regulation is reasonable, and presumably constitutional. If it is, then they roll with that shit, instead of trying to interpret it better themselves. If it isn’t reasonable, then they do what they do best—strike that shit and rewrite it.

Either way, they always get to step 2.

After this, Justice Gorsuch and General Prelogar went on a lengthy back and forth about the idea that when considering a statute, congress goes through a lengthy process, where voters can petition their congressperson, and give their opinions before a statute is passed.

Associate Justice Neil Gorsuch

But regulatory agencies just pass regulations without telling anyone, necessarily.

Justice Gorsuch is concerned that the people’s government isn’t consulting the people when regulations are passed, and Chevron cuts the people out even more.

He even reiterated the idea that every person gets their day in court, if they want it. But this deference rule sort of says, well, if the law is ambiguous, and the regulation says they don’t, then fuck ’em. They can’t get their day in court.

Justice Sotomayor went back and asked about Clement’s previous argument in regards to the 20% cost of the catch estimates, which are too unworkable, and would often leave these fisherman with no profit margin left.

General Prelogar responded that this 20% number they came up with, were from a land of pure imagination.

This was an estimate provided that it said it could go as high as 20%. In the real world where we live, it falls in the 2-3% like the others he mentioned.

She went on to say, that even if it were higher, the agency provided for waivers and exemptions, if it was truly an unworkable burden for them. So in her opinion, Clement was talking shit.

Supreme Court of the United States

I think we’ve talked about the Major Questions Doctrine, before in the aforementioned OSHA case. But it’s worth reiterating that the current court feels that major questions are to be answered by congress, not regulator agencies, working as minions for the president.

Again, citing the OSHA case, it was effectively saying the entire working population should get vaccinated, or wear a mask when at work. That’s a major question, as it affects about 96% of the population. The right-wing segment of the court things such questions should be handled by congress, who are answerable to the people if they vote that way, and should not be sneakily pushed through an agency at the president’s behest instead.

General Prelogar knows this court’s majority agrees with this doctrine, so she made an effort to suggest that Chevron is workable within the major questions doctrine, because again, she’s suggesting that Chevron allows for the courts to analyze both steps, the statutory and regulatory, and decide if there’s some sort of over-reach, or other political bullshit going on, and rule accordingly.

Convincing them of that, is probably her only chance of winning this shit.

Counsel Clement did get an opportunity for rebuttal at the end.

He made the point that because of Chevron, members of congress who want to achieve something controversial, which they know would not pass the house and senate, would purposefully make a law ambiguous. Then, they would lean on a sympathetic president to push the agency under their control, to write a clarifying regulation the way that they wanted to pass the law, but couldn’t.

So he feels that overturning Chevron is necessary to shut this shit down.


And overturn it, they did.

2024 Supreme Court of the United States

In a 6:3 partisan split, where Justices Sotomayor, Kagan, and Jackson dissented, SCOTUS sided with Loper Bright, and while doing so, rebuked the Chevron deference.

The majority’s opinion is pragmatic, in my opinion. We’ve covered the political arguments over this case fairly well, and the courts reiterated them.

They agree, that expert opinions, on areas where expertise is warranted, should be considered, and accepted, if they are reasonable interpretations, they don’t violate any constitutional principles, and it seems fair that the statute used to create that agency, give them the power to make such a regulation.

So the left’s argument that the courts are looking to overrule experts in areas that they don’t have expertise, is hyperbolic nonsense, usually reserved for assholes in congress, not the Supreme Court.

So as an example, if congress writes a law asking the EPA to regulate the air in such a way as to ensure healthy air to breathe for humans, and then the EPA writes a regulation saying the air should have no more than 100 parts per million (PPM) of some harmful pollutant, because studies have shown, that more than 100PPM is when it becomes statistically significant to human health, the courts will and should recognize the court is out of it’s bailiwick, and not try to answer that question better.

If the regulation in question however, seems more about statutory interpretation, then the courts can and should consider how they’d interpret it, and if they feel their interpretation is better, they should have no qualms smacking down the regulatory agency.

For example, if congress passes a statute asking the EPA to regulate the air quality, and the EPAs response is to enact some political scheme that bans fossil fuels, that may be a problem. The courts should consider that as a major question, and decide whether that’s an agency’s expertise, or a political question for congress to decide with the consent of the people.

Because, it’s possible fossil fuels could have a place in the market, along side cleaner energy, and banning them completely isn’t really science at all, but a political ideology being put into play.

Hear oral arguments, read about the case, and the opinion here at Oyez.com

Here is another great video from Yale law professor Jed Rubenfeld, explaining it more professionally, than yours truly.

While professor Rubenfeld seems to take an unbiased approach to these issues, here is another, less than unbiased interpretation from Legal Eagle.

Average Joe SCOTUS: Southwest Airlines Co. v. Saxon

Snoozefest alert!

I agree, SCOTUS probably needs to clarify most of these nerdy fucking cases they take, but god damn, some of them are really over very trivial issues.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, most of their work is due to idiots in congress writing poorly-worded law, so they’re forced to fix it for them.

Nonetheless, let’s get into this shit.

Latrice Saxon, the respondent, worked for Southwest Airlines as a ramp-agent supervisor. Basically, she was in charge of, and sometimes assisted, all the mules that load cargo onto and off of planes.

Most of these employees that work the airline ramps are unionized. But, if you know anything about unions, you know that usually, only the workers can be in the union—management are typically not welcome.

You also likely know that workers are often hourly, and managers often salaried.

Latrice Saxon, was apparently often asked to work more than 40 hours a week, and didn’t fucking appreciate that she was not paid overtime for it, since she was a supervisor. Since she’s not part of the union, she doesn’t really get to fight it much.

In her employment agreement, she’s agreed to arbitration, but apparently, instead of looking to negotiate through arbitration, she instead wants to argue Southwest is breaking the law like Judas Priest, by not paying OT. So off to court she went.

That said, there’s the old Federal Arbitration Act (FAA). It exempts certain people from arbitration—specifically “contracts of employment of seamen, railroad employees, or any other class of workers engaged in foreign or interstate commerce.”

It’s assume Congress wanted to protect these workers specifically from being forced to arbitrate, as they’re so essential to the health of the nation’s commerce.

So whether the can sue in court or not, depends on whether SCOTUS thinks that these drones working the airline ramps are “engage in foreign or interstate commerce.”

Southwest, thinking Saxon is a fucking idiot, argue that because the ramp agents and supervisors keep their ass at one airport all day. Nothing international or foreign about that shit. She never leaves Chicago. A district court, the original to hear this case, agreed with them.

We’re going to get even nerdier, folks. Strap in.

In a previous ruling, SCOTUS set precedent that if a group of items is listed, but then the group ends with a much more broad category of items related to the initial items, the broad item should be thought of as related to the previous items.

I know, what the fuck does that even mean?

Let’s say we talk about “spoons, forks, and other silverware.”

SCOTUS is saying, that clearly “other silverware” is talking about eating utensils in this case, as it’s related to forks and spoons. It is NOT to be construed as any fucking thing made of silver. Capiche?

So, about “seamen, railroad employees, or any other class of workers engaged in foreign or interstate commerce.” If the precedent above holds, then basically, people engaged in foreign commerce are people who travel with the cargo or people, just as seamen and railroad employees might, not people who can claim any dubious connection to interstate commerce.

Saxon however, argues that because the FAA itself says “agreements relating to wharfage … or any other matters in foreign commerce” (Wharfage is fee ports charge for cargo to use their wharves), she argues that it’s clearly linking cargo mules to foreign commerce. Case closed. Microphone dropped.

The seventh circuit agreed with Saxon.

So that means, we have a conflict that is then appealed to the highest court in the land. So on to SCOTUS and oral arguments we go…

Counsel Shay Dvoretzky opened for Southwest.

Mr. Chief Justice, and may it please the Court: Section 1 of the FAA exempts only classes of workers that work on an instrumentality of foreign or interstate commerce, like a plane, ship, or train, as it moves goods or people across borders. That rule follows from Circuit City and Section 1’s text and structure.

Circuit City held that the exemption reaches only classes of workers engaged in foreign or interstate transportation.

As then Judge Barrett held in Wallace, that means an exempted class of workers must perform work analogous to that of seamen and railroad employees. Seamen and railroad employees’ key characteristic was working on ships and trains. We know that because “seamen” was a term of art. It meant workers who predominantly worked on a vessel.

Vessels, by definition, transported or were capable of transporting goods or people over water.

And the paradigmatic seamen, as the Court noted in Chandris, sailed long voyages. That made seamen as a class actively engaged in foreign or interstate transportation. Critically, seamen did not include land-based maritime employees.

Counsel Shay Dvoretzky

By specifying seamen, Congress excluded stevedores, who are land-based cargo loaders. Now Saxon says the exemption covers the entire airline industry.

But Section 1 exempts classes of workers, not industries, engaged in foreign or interstate transportation. It says “seamen,” not maritime employees.

It repeats “foreign or interstate,” emphasizing border crossing.

And placed among these other words, “railroad employees” similarly means workers who perform their duties on the train. Saxon is not exempt from the FAA. Cargo loaders don’t work on planes, just as stevedores didn’t work on ships.

They load cargo before other classes of workers, like seamen and pilots, do the foreign or interstate transportation.

They may facilitate transportation, but that’s not the test Circuit City requires. I’m happy to take the Court’s questions.

Justice Roberts was like, “Are you saying, that for Saxon to win, she must be crossing some border during the course of the duty she’s performing that day?

Chief Justice John Roberts

Dvoretzky was like, “No, bro. We’re only saying, that ramp agent supervisors in general, should be crossing borders commonly as part of their job. They don’t become exempt only in the work that happens to cross borders in that moment.”

Justice Neil “Golden Voice” Gorsuch was rather skeptical of Southwest’s narrow view of interstate or foreign workers. He was like, “Explain to me, why the fuck people loading and unloading a plane, are somehow specifically not engaged in foreign commerce when the people and cargo they’re fucking loading are moving from one state and country to another? Seems fucking fishy, man.”

All the justices seemed to take issue with his argument that somehow seamen doesn’t include stevedores (people who load ships), and that railroad workers doesn’t include cargo loaders. Just because they weren’t named, doesn’t mean we get to just assume that they weren’t considered part of the larger group. So counsel Dvoretzky seemed to have an uphill battle, and it didn’t look like he was winning it.

For Saxon, counsel Jennifer Bennett opened with:

Mr. Chief Justice, and may it please the Court: If Congress wanted to exempt from the FAA just those workers aboard an instrumentality of commerce crossing state lines, it easily could have said so. Instead, it excluded the employment contracts of seamen, railroad employees, and any other class of workers engaged in foreign or interstate commerce. This Court made clear in New Prime that we interpret this exemption just as we would any other statute, by the meaning of its words at the time it was passed.

Those words exempt airline employees who load and unload cargo. Southwest can’t dispute that by 1925 it was blackletter law that the transportation of goods in commerce begins when they’re given to a carrier and it only ends when they’re received at their final destination. Indeed, this Court had repeatedly held that loading and unloading cargo specifically is part of that transportation, not ancillary to transportation or connected to transportation, but it is itself transportation, that it is itself commerce. And just the year before the FAA was passed, as Justice Kavanaugh pointed out, this Court held that it was too plain to require discussion that a worker who unloaded a train was a railroad employee and that that railroad employee was engaged in interstate commerce. Yet Southwest contends that workers who load and unload airplanes are not part of any class of workers engaged in commerce for purposes of the FAA. There’s no support for this contention in the text of the statute.

Counsel Jennifer Bennett

Southwest can’t point to even a single example from any time period in which the phrase “engaged in foreign or interstate commerce” has ever been given the meaning it proposes. So, instead, Southwest invokes the statute’s purpose.

The FAA favors arbitration, Southwest says, so the exemption must be given as narrow a reading as possible regardless of what the text actually means. But this Court rejected that very argument in New Prime.

And even if we were to privilege purpose over text, on Southwest’s interpretation, the exemption would do exactly what Circuit City held it was designed to avoid, unsettle developing and existing dispute resolution regimes at the time. I welcome this Court’s questions.

Justice Roberts, looking for that line to draw started to ask if ticket takers for the airlines are exempt, or what about general counsel for the airline?

Counsel Bennett was hesitant to start naming people who are and aren’t exempt. But her argument was that if they’re directly involved with the cargo or people moving from state to state or country to country, they’re covered. Some asshole lawyer helps the company, but doesn’t really help move goods or people.

She also took issue with the test the opposition put forward, that the test is whether or not people are on the plane.

She was like, “Fucking loadmasters go on the plane and make sure the planes cargo are evenly distributed throughout the plane, so it fucking flies straight. Some of these people never get on the plane, some board it, some fly with it. So are supposed to divide up employees like this based on their stupid test? That would be very discriminating.

She proposed instead that:

Airline employees are those who do the work of the airline. They do the customary work directly contributory to the airline’s transportation function

She then suggested a narrower test that would be:

People who handle goods while they’re in commerce.

Justice Alito, looking to understand if she’s broadening the definition outside the airlines and shipping companies asked who else would fall under her new test?

She responded that this means people in trucking and bussing would be exempt as well, because they would fall under her test.

Justice Roberts, ever skeptical of her test, was like “What about those fuckheads at Amazon. They’re clearly involved in interstate commerce, and touching the goods for purposes of transportation. So are they exempt?” But as usual, it’s justice Roberts, so he said it very politely.

She somewhat agreed that people like Amazon, FedEx, UPS, et al., would be covered if they’re the group of people are putting things on their planes, ships, trucks, etc., and sending them out of state or out of the country.

The Supreme Court Of The United States

In a unanimous decision, where justice Barrett recused herself as she’d ruled on a related case previously, SCOTUS sided with Saxon. They noted that the wharfage exemption mentioned earlier proves congress intended to include cargo workers and such. So therefore, the test is to be that if the workers are engage in loading and unloading cargo, and if so, is that cargo generally interstate or international. If so, then that worker is exempt from the FAA and doesn’t have to go through arbitration.

This doesn’t mean Saxon really wins anything. It’s still up to lower courts to decide if she’s owed overtime. But it at least allows her to bypass arbitration, which she feels is more likely to side with Southwest Airlines for whatever reason.

Average Joe SCOTUS: LeDure v. Union Pacific Railroad Company

The place—Salem Illinois railway yard. The time—August 2016.

All around clumsy dipshit, Union Pacific railroad engineer Bradley LeDure was attempting to prepare some locomotives for an upcoming haul. There were three locomotives coupled together on a side track, typically where locomotives to be repaired are parked.

LeDure boarded the locomotives to prepare them for his trip. All three were turned on, but he felt only one of them need be, so he was going to turn off two of them, and just drag them along on the trip.

While walking on the outside of one of the engines, LeDure slipped and fell. And when I say slipped and fell, I don’t mean like, “Oopsie! That was clumsy of me.” This dumb motherfucker slipped and fell so hard he hurt his spine, shoulder, and head so bad he’s now permanently disabled.

Upon inspection, it was found that there was some oil on the locomotive’s walkway LeDure was walking on, which presumably was the reason he fell.

Union Pacific Train

So why does SCOTUS care about this prick with two left feet?

At question here are several laws. The Locomotive Inspection Act (LIA), The Safety Appliance Act (SAA), and the Federal Employers’ Liability Act (FELA).

Under the Locomotive Inspection Act, a locomotive must meet certain safety conditions that would be found during an inspection, if the locomotive is deemed to be “in use” or “allowed to be used.”

Under the Federal Employers’ Liability Act, if there’s a violation of the LIA that leads to an injury, the employer will be liable for any and all damages the person incurs as a result of their shitty inspection service, or lack thereof.

Under the SAA however, that applies more to train cars, and only locomotives that are just being hauled around, and are maybe just used for braking, or electric power generation, but not used as a locomotive to pull the train. If they’re being used for pulling, then see the LIA above.

Now you know, if you’ve been reading my stories about SCOTUS before, they fucking love some nerdy definition shit. For SCOTUS, the question here is, “What the fuck does ‘in use’ mean” within the LIA.”

When LeDure filed his case, the 7th circuit decided that the trains, being on side tracks and not actually moving or anything, were not “in use.” So they told LeDure to go fuck himself. Which is ironic, as he’s disabled and probably can’t do that now.

LeDure was like, “Hey you assholes, that fucking locomotive was on, and was only paused for like an hour before it was to depart again, so it was clearly in use.”

But Union Pacific was like, “Listen, you clumsy fuck. We have the fucking receipts. That engine had been sitting for five fucking hours. So it wasn’t in fucking use.

But LeDure was like, “I could have fucking used it. It was there, turned on, and available. So it was “allowed to be used.” That’s what the statute says. As such, I’m covered.

LeDure’s team points out in their briefs that nearly half the injuries they sought to protect against with this law occur on stationary trains. So clearly, the statute was intended to protect in these instances.

Union Pacific Locomotive Inspecting Pit

Union Pacific argues, “If it was scheduled to be inspected, which is LeDure’s job, then that means it hadn’t been inspected yet, and therefore was inherently risky compared to one that had been inspected. How the fuck are we supposed to guarantee the safety of a locomotive we haven’t fucking inspected yet?”

“At some point, it has to deemed not available while it’s about to be serviced. This clumsy fucking retard was clearly not paying attention, slipped and fell, and doesn’t want to take responsibility for it. Fuck this guy, and his argument.”

Union Pacific agrees that it doesn’t have to be moving to be in use—it could be stopped for something on the tracks, or stopped because it’s all connected and about to depart. But that doesn’t mean it’s always in use if it’s not in the actual garage being worked on. If it’s off to the side, turned on, and waiting to be inspected, what fucking idiot thinks it’s in use? It doesn’t even have any cars attached to it to pull!”

To hammer their point home, they quoted the late Justice Antonin Scalia, when arguing a 1993 case about guns, he said, “When someone asks, ‘Do you use a cane?’, he is not inquiring whether you have your grandfather’s silver-handled walking stick on display in the hall; he wants to know whether you walk with a cane.”

Justice Antonin Scalia 1960-2016

Their argument being, a cane is in use if it’s doing its job, or about to do its job. A train’s job is to pull shit. Not sit there and wait to be serviced. Therefore, not in fucking use. Mic drop, bitches!

They also argued about the “allowed to be used” language which LeDure cited as supporting his argument. They pointed out that the law’s framers were referring to a third party like a lumber company who often uses trains, but aren’t necessarily the railway company. They are “allowed to use” the train, but don’t own it. It was never about whether some asshole like LeDure could just fucking take it.

Union Pacific also argue that if they were to take LeDure’s approach, no locomotive would ever be able to be parked on a side track waiting to be serviced, because in his idiot mind, that’s “in use.”

So if SCOTUS sides with those morons, they’ll have to make sure that all locomotives are immediately transported to a garage for servicing as soon as they’re meant to be out of use. They’ll have to build gargantuan fucking garages because, in case you haven’t noticed, locomotives are fucking huge, because apparently leaving it on tracks outside the garage means it’s still in use.

They were like, “Do you have any idea how much that shit would cost?”

Anyway, enough back story, on to the arguments…

Counsel David C. Frederick opened for the petitioner, Clumsy McClumserson. He pointed out a shitload of old cases from the early 1900s where SCOTUS ruled about trains being in use. In one, people were dining on a car, but it wasn’t connected to shit. A rail worker hurt themselves trying to connect cars to it.

Counsel David Frederick

Justice Roberts immediately called him on this nonsense saying, “Dude, a locomotive, which pulls the cars, has a very different use than a fucking dining car, which is just a place for people to eat, that happens to often get pulled around, but not necessarily. Surely you understand they’re not the same fucking thing.”

“Like, if people are eating on a dining car that wasn’t going anywhere, it’s still being used. But a locomotive just sitting there not pulling anything, isn’t fucking being used.”

Counsel, unimpressed with Roberts’ argument was like, “The SAA lumps locomotives and train cars all together in one big group of ‘rail vehicles.’ So since they’re all lumped together, they all fall under the same rules. As such, with all due respect, I invite you to swing on my nuts, Justice Roberts.”

Justice Roberts did not, in fact, swing on his nuts. He threw a counterpunch.

He told him, “I appreciate your stupid fucking argument, but the LIA deals with locomotives being used to locomote, and only a fucking idiot would say it’s in use while it’s just sitting off to the side. Is your fucking car in use sitting out in the driveway while you’re inside jerking off?” We’re here because your claims are under the LIA, not the SAA. You’re just using that shit to try to help your shitty argument!

Justice Sotomayor, showing a total lack of understanding about trains, threw counsel Frederick a bone when she asked if it was odd to treat a locomotive and a railcar differently, which he obviously agreed with. He needed them to be treated the same.

Official Portrait of United States Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor Click for Biography

Counsel, in response, then argued that it was Clumsy McClumserson’s job to check those locomotives before heading out. So how the fuck does it make sense that he’s not protected from injuries that occur while on that fucking locomotive?

Justice Kavanaugh chimed in, presumably to draw a line, asking about what if the locomotive were on a side track for several days. Is it supposed to be inspected every day for such hazards?

Counsel Frederick was undeterred by this line of questioning, and hammered home the idea that if a locomotive is available to be used, it’s “in use.” So yes, in that scenario, the locomotive should be inspected and made sure it’s safe for engineers to board it and do their jobs.

Justice Thomas, humble-bragging about his motorhome, asked counsel Frederick if his car is “in use” when he’s dragging that fucker behind his motorhome?

Counsel Frederick was like, “you bet your ass it is! No one else can use it. The lights are in use, the brakes are in use. It’s in fucking use.”

*Side note: Cars being towed like this, do not have their brakes in use. It’s just the lights.

But justice Thomas being quite the skeptic was like, “The purpose of a car isn’t to be dragged around everywhere. We’re hauling it so we can use it later. So I don’t see how it’s in use now. It’s not serving any purpose now.

Justice Thomas then asked, what if some fuckhead engineer tagged the locomotive to be repaired, which some would argue is taking it out of use. Is it still in use?

Associate Justice Clarence Thomas

Counsel Frederick, seeking to win this case, needs the broadest fucking definition of ‘in use’ he can possible come up with, so he’s like, “Fuck yeah, man! It’s still being used to serve the purpose of the railroad, and people who might climb all over that mother fucker in your scenario, are doing work for the railroad that utilizes that locomotive. Therefore, it’s in fucking use.”

I’ll give him this, pretty fucking creative argument.

Justice Thomas, not done with this fucker yet, then asked, “In the LIA, it uses the term ‘safe to operate.’ So this whole provision seems to revolve around operation of the locomotive. Not when it’s sitting there waiting to be maintained.”

But counsel Frederick reminded justice Thomas that in his briefs, he points out that nearly half the railway injuries occur on stationary trains. So clearly, the law is intended to help these people. My client isn’t just some unlucky clumsy fuck. This is the norm.

But justice Thomas, was having none of his bullshit. He retorted, “Use implies the train is doing some sort of work. So what fucking work is it doing for Union Pacific, if it’s just fucking sitting there?”

Counsel Frederick, using the old “answer the question you wanted them to ask, not the question they actually asked” tactic, responded again about the ways it can be serviced, and then taken out of use.

Justice Thomas was like, “if it’s in maintenance, or on its way to be worked on, it’s in the same condition—it’s fucked up. So how do you differentiate?”

Counsel Frederick responded that rail workers have to transport it to be worked on, so they have a right to a safe work environment. Only the repair people should die, if someone has to. They’re fucking worthless.

Justice Alito, and Sotomayor after, were curious why counsel Frederick thinks somehow the law protects an engineer walking around on a train while it’s “in use” versus a technician taking the train to be serviced, then. If the purpose of the law is to protect railway workers, they’re all fucking railway workers, aren’t they?

He responded that the idiots he’s defending are walking around with the assumption that everything is safe and OK. But the others have an assumption there is a problem, which is why they’re about to work on it.

Next up, for the United States as an amicus in support of Clumsy McClumserson, counsel Colleen E. Roh Sinzdak.

She opened by pointing out that these locomotives are 400,000 lbs, with 5,000 of diesel in them. They’re fucking dangerous and complex machines. They haul freight, but also they can be a simple power supply, a mule to move cars around the yard, or just a standby locomotive, ready to rescue a train that takes a shit out in the field.

Colleen E. Roh Sinzdak

Any of these purposes means it’s in use.

Until these assholes put it into the repair shop, storage, or retirement, it’s in use.

Justice Roberts asked, “what if Union Pacific sets this train aside, making it a little restaurant or something, but they know they could deploy it to haul shit again if needed? Is that “in use?”

Counsel Sinzdak responded that this would be “in storage.”

Justice Roberts asked, “Why? It falls under your argument, it’s one of those locomotives that’s there, ready to rescue some other train that breaks down, isn’t it?”

She was like, “No dawg. They’d have to do a lot of shit to get it up to spec to haul shit again.”

Justice Breyer, in a rare bit of defiance absolutely demolished counsel Sindzak. I’m just going to copy this exchange here.

Stephen G. Breyer

Well, suppose it hasn’t gotten into the service yet?

Colleen E. Roh Sinzdak

Then it’s not in use.

Stephen G. Breyer

Oh, not in use. Okay.

Colleen E. Roh Sinzdak

It’s once the locomotive is placed into service.

Stephen G. Breyer

Associate Justice Stephen Breyer

So we have a yard and the company puts all the locomotives in the yard, that they make one every three months, and there are now 15 in that yard, and they’re all ready to go, and somebody calls from the train station and says can we take any of those? Sure, take them.

Take them whenever you want. And occasionally they do.

Okay? In use or not?

Colleen E. Roh Sinzdak

So, once the locomotive is placed into service, then, yes, it is…

Stephen G. Breyer

What does that mean, “placed into service”?

Colleen E. Roh Sinzdak

Well, usually, it means, for example…

Stephen G. Breyer

It’s there, sitting in the yard.

Colleen E. Roh Sinzdak

Well, it needs to be filled with fuel.

I mean, the 5,000 gallons of fuel is a pretty…

Stephen G. Breyer

Oh, it has to be filled with fuel.

So it’s not used—in other words, a locomotive is not used when it’s sitting somewhere and doesn’t have fuel in it?

Colleen E. Roh Sinzdak

That is correct.

So the FRA generally focuses…

Stephen G. Breyer

Oh, you—what happened to the thing about you used it until you withdraw it from service.

It’s not been withdrawn from service.

Colleen E. Roh Sinzdak

The FRA considers that a locomotive is withdrawn from service once its fluids have been drained and its battery has been detached.

So, for example…

Stephen G. Breyer

Oh, it hasn’t detached the battery, but what they did was they withdrew—they didn’t have fuel in it because we don’t need fuel until next month because there’s a big snowstorm and that won’t be cleared up until next month.

Colleen E. Roh Sinzdak

Right.

So the FRA’s basic…

Stephen G. Breyer

So what my point is, is you want to say that is in use.

And what you’re doing is not following the words in your brief.

You’re following what is your common-sense view of sort of what’s in use or not.

And that’s why I say, if it’s in your brief, hey, you don’t say anything in the brief of not having yet gone into service, I don’t think.

You talk about withdrawn from service. And here you have six words. That’s why I started thinking we’re not going to get anywhere or very far by substituting the words from your brief or any of these briefs for the word “use.” Now you don’t agree with that, so explain.

Colleen E. Roh Sinzdak

I do not agree with that.

While a locomotive is being put to a carrier’s purposes, then it is in use.

I would say that as we note in our brief, you can withdraw a locomotive from service and then it’s no longer in use.

So, obviously, if the locomotive has never been put into service in the first place, then it isn’t in use.

We do think that “use” and “service” are synonymous in this statute. Now we also think there is a very clear line here, and it’s once a carrier has placed the locomotive into use, have they done something to affirmatively withdraw it from service for storage or repair? And the key things that they might do are moving it to a controlled environment like a repair shop, where you just don’t have the same risks of an exposed railroad yard, where you have trains moving everywhere, you have people going everywhere. So you’ve put it in a controlled environment where the only people interacting with it are people who are expecting to be dealing with a defective locomotive.

Or you’ve done something to make sure that there is no way that somebody is going—an employee is just going to hop on that train and turn it on or move it. So, again, you can put it—you can and—and many railroads do put locomotives in storage by detaching the battery and draining the fluids.

And that way, what you don’t have is the risk that an employee is going to get on and move this, again, 400…

Stephen G. Breyer

Now what you’re suggesting is certainly a possible approach. There’s a common law approach.

If we’re Lord Mansfield or Coke or somebody, we might take that.

And you’re suggesting, if that’s what we’re trying to do, we ought to look at the purposes of this statute and decide whether the kinds of risks that are at issue in the case are the kinds of risks the statute is trying to prevent.

Colleen E. Roh Sinzdak

That is one approach, although what I would say is that you could apply the canon of in pari materia and say that we have interpreted the SAA in exactly this way, that the Locomotive Inspection Act was enacted at the same time that Congress…

Stephen G. Breyer

Yeah, but they’re going to say, as you know, because you’ve written this already, so I do interrupt, that the first statute is done for all cars, and it’s done for all cars because people wander around in those cars, particularly employees. But locomotives have special risks, particularly with fuel and other things, and so the statute is meant to go beyond that first statute.

But how far beyond? And now we have the issue in the case.

Colleen E. Roh Sinzdak

I’m actually not sure that we are arguing that the “in use” definition doesn’t go any further.

Stephen G. Breyer

You’re not, but they are.

Colleen E. Roh Sinzdak

Okay.

Well, so, for the FRA, “use” means the same thing in the SAA and in the LIA, and it should be interpreted in that way because—for basic reasons of clarity in the law. When you have two statutes enacted at approximately the same time covering the same topic, it sort of stresses reality to think that a regulated party would read those two laws and think that “use” means one thing as applied to a locomotive in one law and something entirely different is applied to a locomotive in a different law.

So that just—that doesn’t work sort of as a matter of common sense. And it certainly doesn’t work if you do want to look at purpose—I mean you want to look at legislative history, and you see that Congress is expressly borrowing from one statute and putting it in another.

Justice Roberts, also apparently not a fan of counsel Sindzak, blasted her on this last argument.

John G. Roberts, Jr.

Chief Justice John Roberts

No, “use” means the same thing.

It’s just that when you apply it, the use you put a locomotive to is to drive and pull cars.

The use you put a railcar to is to have stuff in it and be attached to a locomotive. It’s the same word.

It just looks to, I guess, the primary purpose of the object that’s involved.

That doesn’t mean you’re using the word differently.

She went on to say, that congress incentivized the railroads to take “defective trains off the line.” Her argument being, that they wanted this to prevent risk of injury from defective trains being problematic.

But Justice Alito was like, “Where the fuck did congress say that?”

She was like, “the fucking law talks about making sure trains are safe, and any issues fixed. So clearly, they were creating a framework to say, “If there’s a problem, it comes out of service to be fixed. If it’s not fucked up, it’s in service.”

She went on to argue that “use” has many connotations. For instance, people would say they “use” a gun to protect their home, but it doesn’t mean they ever pick it up and use it to shoot someone.

*I wish she’d leave the gun arguments to the professionals, because we’d say we “have” a gun for home protection, and we only use it to shoot some motherfucker breaking into our home. Sorry, she lost me on this argument.

She then went on to the argument that again, half the incidents are on stationary trains, and these laws were meant to protect such people. She even shared an anecdote that you used to be able to tell how long someone worked on the railroad by seeing how many fingers they have left. No shit. That was her argument.

She also mentioned they even had ads for prosthetics in publications for railway workers because conditions were so unsafe back in the day.

All this to say that the point of the laws, is to protect workers like Clumsy McClumserson.

She argued that while they accept it was off to the side, and not immediately intended to do any work, it was ready to be used when whomever decided to use it. As such, it needed to be inspected and deemed safe, which it wasn’t.

Multiple times, counsel Sinzdak pointed out that for the train to be not in use for purposes of maintenance, storage, and such, it would have the battery disconnected and the fluids drained. Her argument being that barring that, the train is in use.

Justice Sotomayor, looking to draw a fucking line anywhere, asked if this is where they should draw the line? If the battery is disconnected and fluids are drained, then it’s not “in use?”

Counsel Sinzdak, not wanting to limit herself, was like, “yeah, that’s one way, but there are others. Like it could be parked in a service garage over a maintenance pit.”

She again, hammered home the idea that a train, sitting off to the side, ready to go, has to be deemed in use, because non-maintenance personal have every right and reason to go use them if needed, and therefore, they should be assumed safe.

Wrapping things up for Union Pacific, counsel J. Scott Ballenger was up to bat.

J. Scott Ballenger

He wasted no time in bashing counsel Sinzdak’s argument. He was like, “where the fuck do you see anything about disconnected batteries and drained fluids in this fucking stature. Don’t bother, I’ll answer it myself. If fucking isn’t.”

She’s trying to rewrite this law to what she thinks it should mean, not what it fucking actually says. This is bullshit, and you know it.

Union Pacific has no rule that to take a train out of service, you disconnect the battery and drain the fluids. You could, but that certainly isn’t the only way.

His argument is that the law makes it clear, that as soon as there’s an issue, the train is not to be “used” anymore, and is no longer in service until the issue is fixed.

If the oppositions idiotic statements are true, then they can never comply with that clearly written rule, because they don’t have a way of getting the train from “in use” to “in service.” They can’t just magically wish it from the tracks into a repair shop.

He pointed out that there are in fact regulations that govern the transport of locomotives, and that congress understood that a locomotive being transported to get serviced is not in use. If it’s known defective, then it can no longer be deemed safe until the defect is fixed, and the law has to provide for a way to transport it while defective.

He also pointed out, under questioning from Breyer who’d just invoked the Little Train that Could, the train is also in use, when it’s applying tractive power to the track. Meaning, it’s either moving on the track, or attempting to move by applying power to the wheels. So even though the little train that could is only thinking he can, he’s still applying power, and therefore in use, even if he’s currently not moving because he doesn’t have enough power.

He points out that in the law, they say a dead locomotive, can be idling. Sometimes, trains automatically turn themselves on just to charge their batteries. This doesn’t make it in use.

Justice Sotomayor asked about a locomotive that is being dragged with a train, but isn’t powering the train itself. Is it in use?

Counsel pointed out that under this instance, it is covered under the Safety Appliance Act (SAA), as it’s acting like a railroad car, but it is not then in use under the LIA, because that’s for locomotives, and it’s not locomoting.

Justice Kagan, seemingly siding with Clumsy McClumserson, argued that the statute supported the train as in use, when it’s ready to be used, because the point of the legislation is to get it ready for whatever the train’s operator’s decided to do with it, before it’s put into use.

But counsel Ballenger, understanding Sotomayor knows fuck-all about trains pointed out that Union Pacific’s manuals for engineers like Clumsy McClumserson are supposed to do inspections to make sure the train is safe before operation, which is what he was doing. Within that framework, it must be, that the fucking train might be unsafe, which is why he needs to inspect it.

Justice Thomas chimed in and asked if there were any indication that this locomotive was cleared for use? Like was it available to LeDure?

Counsel Ballenger, with a bit of evidence I’m surprised I didn’t hear earlier pointed out that Union Pacific’s guides forbid using any that are overdue for inspection. That all parties agree it was overdue for inspection, therefore to answer the question, no! It wasn’t available to be used, until it was inspected. That’s our whole fucking point!

Justice Thomas, also looking to draw some lines, asked if there’s an instance where a stationary train would be deemed in use.

Ballenger responded that if it were stopped at a red light, or waiting for a switch, it’s still in use. But as soon as it’s put on a side track, and the true goes home for the day, it’s not in use anymore.

In a split decision where Justice Barrett recused herself as she was on the 7th circuit when they previously decided it, the 7th circuit’s ruling holds. Since there’s no majority decision, it simply stands as if it didn’t happen, and therefore the 7th circuit’s ruling that the locomotive wasn’t “in use” is the ruling. I’d love to share more info here, but they literally just issued like a one-sentence ruling saying they were tied, and as such, there is no opinion.

This means that the questions they faced are still there, and there will need to be a new case asking the same question, they will be asked to decide, if that question is to be answered. The 7th circuit’s decision holds, but that doesn’t mean it becomes precedent, like it would if the majority had voted to hold their opinion.

Average Joe SCOTUS: Golan v. Saada

Isacco Saada and Narkis Golan, a young Italian couple may have been in love when they first married, but it didn’t take long to spiral into nosedive of violence and aggression. Isacco was an abusive piece of shit to his lovely wife, often right in front of their adorable young son Bradley, harming her both physically and psychologically.

Narkis Golan and son Bradley

Narkis, having more than enough of Isacco’s shit, arranged a trip to the United States to visit family who lived here for a wedding—bringing young Bradley in tow.

Once her and Bradley were safely in the United States, Narkis opted to remain here, going to a shelter for abused women, to avoid returning to her abusive husband—for both her and her son’s safety.

While Isacco wasn’t accused of harming Bradley, it’s pretty common that a man who beats his wife, will also beat a child.

But, as you might expect because I’m writing about it, this creates some legal issues. The Hague Convention in 1994 established international rules to protect children in international adoptions. It encompassed a 1980 rule called The Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction, which was largely created to prevent abusive husbands from taking an abused child away from the mother and out of the country, but because of poorly written rules, often was then used to force fleeing abused mothers to return their child to an abusive father who stayed home.

The point of the rule was that a child from a country such as Italy in this case, should have their custody determined by an Italian court. That no parent should gain an advantage by abducting their child and taking it abroad—making it more difficult for the other parent to win back custody.

However, the law did provide an exception in cases where the child was deemed to be in grave danger, if returned to the abusive parent.

The First International Peace Conference, the Hague, May – June 1899

Isacco Saada filed to have his son returned to Italy under these rules, and lower courts looking for ways to safely return Bradly to Italy as Hague rules seek to accomplish, looked at measures to ensure Bradley’s safety if returned, such as counseling, supervised visits, etc.

But Golan was like, “Nothing is going to make this piece of shit any less abusive to me, and if he’s abusive to me, he will eventually become abusive to our son. So fuck you and your measures, we’d like to remain in the United States—far away from this abusive asshole, please and thank you.”

After winning this case, the lower courts still looked to ways where Bradley could be returned to Italy, with rules to protect him against Isacco, but in an attempt to allow Italy to handle the issue instead of the United States.

The question for the court is pretty simple: do the courts have to mull over all possibilities to return Bradley to Italy and potentially Isacco, so long as they are deemed adequate to ensure his safety? Or can they simply decide that the grave risk to Bradley is too great, even if potential measures to ensure Bradley’s safety are brought up for consideration?

Counsel Karen King

Karen King, counsel for the Narkis Golan opened by pointing out that the lower courts are basically fucking morons. The Hague certainly wants to keep children together with their families in their home countries, but they’re also keen to protect those same kids from abusive assholes.

Her argument is that the Hague basically says, “Return them, unless they’re in grave danger if returned.” But she thinks the lower court somehow read that as, “If there’s any possible measure any asshole can think of, that would help ensure the child’s safety, then the courts must consider returning them under those measures, but if you can’t see any method to ensure their safety, then and only then, can you deny their return.”

Counsel King was like, “I don’t know how any smart person could hear the respondent’s argument and not conclude those lower court justices are fucking idiots who apparently can’t fucking read. As further proof that they’re morons, I’d like to point out that there’s no other country in the fucking world that uses this interpretation.”

Department of Justice Assistant Solicitor General Frederick Liu

Counsel Frederick Liu, representing the United States, there to support Nardis Golan argued that the lower court, in their arguments suggested that the child should be returned “if at all possible.” Liu took umbrage with that shit.

He was like, “If at all possible” really favors the abusive father, not the potentially at risk kid. Who the fuck would be OK with that? The Hague rules certainly didn’t lay it out like that. They wrote language to protect the kid for a reason. Do we really think they thought jurisdictional arguments were more important than the safety of a fucking child?

For Saada, counsel Richard Min opened by arguing that the Hague convention clearly seeks to have the kid’s home country adjudicate custody hearings. As such, he wanted to be clear that this isn’t about asking whether his piece-of-shit client should get custody, but merely that Italy should be the ones to determine said custody.

His tactic is pathetic at best, but he was dealt a turd sandwich. He knows any argument suggesting his known-abusive father should get custody is a big old fucking loser. So focusing on the jurisdictional argument is the only path to victory, if there is one.

Of course, he conveniently leaves out that his father Isacco Balboa, is the only person in Italy that would take him in.

Counsel Richard Min

But forgetting all of that, he thinks that the United States, in agreement with all these other countries who were part of the Hague convention, should defer to Italy since we’re talking about an Italian boy.

They do that by determining if there are steps Italy can and will take to protect little Bradley—conveniently ignoring the obvious way to protect him; by leaving him in the United States.

He went on to point out that Italy already has measures in place to protect the child, so if the United States doesn’t send him back, they’re basically saying, “Go fuck yourself, Italy. We don’t trust you mafioso thugs.”

In final rebuttal, counsel King was like, “Did this motherfucker really say the Italian courts already put measures in place to protect young Bradley? They set some fucking court dates. That’s about fucking it. This asshole must be joking right now.

In a unanimous decision, the court decided that young Bradley’s safety was more important than his father’s right to have him returned to Italy. Once the courts determine that Bradley is in potentially grave danger, they’re not required to consider any and every thought on how to return him safely. If Isacco has proven he’s potentially a serious threat to his son, then the US isn’t obliged to return him to Italy or that piece of shit.

Sadly, Nardis Golan passed away from what the medical examiner referred to as a brain bleed. Her family however, suspects foul play. Bradley remains in custody of Nardis’ family in the United States while a court decides if he must be sent back to Italy to be with his father.

Hear oral arguments and or read about the case here at SCOTUSBlog and Oyez.