Average Joe SCOTUS – District of Columbia v. Heller (CLASSIC)

Washing D.C. had some serious issues with gun injuries in the home, and so those motherfuckers sought to cut down on the number of guns in D.C. One problem—2nd amendment, y’all!

So what did they do? What every corrupt rights-infringing congressperson does, they crafted a law that violated the principles of 2A, without violating the letter of it, or so they thought.

They said a gun in the house should be unloaded and disassembled, or have a trigger lock on it. And even to have one, you had to register it and get a license, which D.C. often denied.

Heller was a local cop, and they even denied his application? Like how the hell is a cop not given a license? Who exactly gets one if not a cop?

So Heller was like, “Enough of this shit, we’re going to SCOTUS to sort this out right meow!”

D.C. tried to argue the “militia” clause made 2A a right for localities to form militias, and 2A was not an individual right to own a gun. Which is what any serial rights violator would argue, if they were trying to rape your rights.

But Heller was all like, “The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed means exactly what the fuck it means.”

In a landmark decision, SCOTUS ruled 5-4 in favor of Heller. They told D.C., “Listen mother fuckers, you can take your oppressive bullshit and shove it squarely up your ass.”

The late and great Justice Antonin Scalia even took the extra step of delivering his opinion verbally because he wasn’t playing!

I’ve written about the 2nd amendment more seriously here.

Read about the case and hear both the oral arguments and Scalia’s passionate oral opinion here.

Average Joe SCOTUS – Merck, Sharp & Dohme Corp. v. Albrecht

MS&D, affectionately known as Merck, developed a drug for postmenopausal women called Fosamax. It was designed to prevent osteoporosis.

Here’s the thing with Fosamax, it has certain risks for femur stress fractures. Several women experienced this, and sued Merck.

Merck was aware of the issue, and had previously notified the FDA that their shit might cause a problem here and there. However, the FDA looked over the evidence, and didn’t feel it warranted a warning, and told Merck, “Don’t worry about, bro. Leave the label as it is.”

It wasn’t that the FDA said, “Don’t do it or else, motherfucker.” But they gave Merck reason to believe they’d reject a change to the label if Merck put it on there.

So Merck left the label with no warning for this problem, and crossed their fingers.

The lawsuit was based on a state law that requires drug companies to warn people about this kind of shit. But, Merck was complying with the FDA, which is a federal regulator. So Merck was all like, “WTF, man? Can you motherfuckers short this shit out and get back to us?”

Sort it out SCOTUS did. They told the state, and these women with the fucked up femurs to go kick rocks. If the FDA says leave the label as it is, that’s the law of the land, motherfuckers! Federal government for life!

All nine justices in favor or Merck.

Hear oral arguments or read about the case here.


Average Joe SCOTUS – Gamble v. United States

Terance Gamble was a felon who believed he still had his 2nd amendment rights, apparently. But legally, he did not. Felons aren’t allowed to have guns, y’all.

Gamble said, “Fuck you, I’m getting a gun.” And, so he did. His dumb ass got pulled over, and the cops found his gat.

Alabama threw his ass in jail for a year, in violation of the law which prevents felons from having a gun. Additionally, federal prosecutors decided that wanted to tack on another 34 months, because they ain’t playin’, dog.

Gamble was like, “Hold the fuck on a minute. Double jeopardy you sonsabitches! The 5th amendment protects me from this shit. I can’t be tried twice for the same crime.”

So SCOTUS was asked to determine if double jeopardy only applies to one government entity, or all government entities within the United States. One prosecution was by Alabama, one by the United States, something they called separate sovereigns.

SCOTUS sided 7-2 for the United States. Neil Gorsuch and Notorius RBG correctly (IMO) sided with Gamble. This decision makes my libertarian butthole hurt.

Hear oral arguments or read about the case here.