Average Joe SCOTUS – Tennessee Wine and Spirits Retailers Association v. Thomas

We all know Tennessee are a bunch of drinking motherfuckers, right? They loves them some alcohol.

Well, Tennessee apparently don’t care for outsiders, though. So they drafted a law that said you have to have been a resident of Tennessee for two years in order to get a liquor license, and then you had to be there for ten years to renew one.

Well, there were a couple people who failed to meet this requirement, but they lived in Tennessee and wanted to help Tennesseeans in their area get their fucking drink on. So they recruited the help of the Tennessee Wine and Spirits Retailers Association, claiming that they were being unfairly discriminated against based on the Dormant Commerce Clause which basically says you can’t commercially discriminate against another state in your own state.

But Tennessee, being enterprising statists, noted that the 21st amendment which repealed prohibition says that you can’t transport liquor across state lines in violation of that state’s laws. So Tennessee figured that meant they could make up whatever jack-ass backwoods bullshit law they wanted, and the 21st amendment protected them.

So now here we are in court, and SCOTUS has to decide if 21 lets them pass whatever law they want, even if it seems inconsistent with the Dormant Commerce Clause, and is discriminating AF against another state.

SCOTUS said, “Nice try Tennessee, but get the fuck outta here with this bullshit.” 7:2 in favor of the Tennessee Wine and Spirits Retailers Association. Gorsuch and Thomas dissented, presumably because Tennessee has pictures of them with prostitutes or something, I don’t know. They’re supposed to be limited government guys, and here they are voting for government over the people. *Sad face*

Read about the case here and/or hear oral arguments.

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Average Joe SCOTUS – Return Mail Inc. v. United States Postal Service

Return Mail Inc (RMI) patented some sweet ass genius technology to help deal with mail that has an unreadable or missing address on it. They patented their tech like any good company would do.

Knowing that their tech was basically meant for one client, the US Postal Service (USPS), they went to sell USPS a license to use their patented software.

USPS being a bunch of mafioso-type big government bullshit artists were like, “Oh, we’ll use your patent alright, RMI. But we ain’t paying you jack shit for it. We’re just using it because we’re the federal government, and we do whatever the fuck we want!”

Knowing they might end up in court, the USPS took their mafioso bit one step further, and tried to get the Patent and Trademark Office’s Patent Trial and Appeal Board to declare RMI’s product unpatentable. If this isn’t blatant fucking theft, I don’t know what is.

RMI, realizing this was the bullshitiest bullshit that had ever been bullshitted, countersued saying this violated provisions in the Leahy-Smith America Invents Act, which was designed to improve the patent process in general by changing the “first to invent” rule, to “first to file.” But within the act, it provides for “persons” to dispute patents.

So RMI was basically asking SCOTUS to say, “Look, the USPS isn’t a person, it’s a fucking mafioso oppressor and bullshit artist. And therefore, they can’t challenge our patent.”

SCOTUS listened, and decided to agree with RMI, that the USPS can’t be called a person by any reasonable measure, and for once, private industry fought the law, and private industry won.

6:3 judgement for Return Mail Inc. Breyer, Ginsberg, and Kagan dissented citing instances where the government was referred to as a person elsewhere.

Hear oral arguments and/or read about the case here.