Average Joe SCOTUS: Ramirez v. Collier

Back in 2004, Grade A scumbag, John Ramirez killed Pablo Castro, a convenience-store clerk. Dude was just doing his job, man. Probably making close to minimum wage, and Ramirez just fucking killed him. Seriously, fuck that guy.

As with a lot of prisoners, apparently Ramirez “found Jesus” while he was a guest of the state. Maybe I’m jaded, but while I admit there are possibly some legitimate people who’ve had a true change of heart, I think the nature of people doesn’t change. A sociopath willing to murder someone once, won’t have qualms about doing it again, and I don’t think shoving Jesus up their ass has ever changed that.

Anyway, Ramirez found his dumb ass on death row for his efforts, and when it came time for him take his death meds, he wanted his pastor present to help with his transition to heaven, or some dumb shit.

Victim Pablo Castro

In the United States, we’ve went back and forth like the tide, on whether a religious leader could be present at an execution, and lay their hands on the scumbag getting their just desserts. We’ve barred an Imam from being with a Muslim, OKed a Catholic priest to support a Christian, and even delayed a Buddhist’s execution until his Buddhist priest arrived. So, not exactly consistent.

After the Buddhist priest incident in Texas, those good ole boys, with a southern accent, were like, “what in tarnation is this bullshit?” So they passed a law, as politicians LOVE to do, that said when someone has to ride the lightning, they shall do so alone. No more spiritual advisors of any kind may be present, even Christian ones. But a legal challenge ensued then, and so Texas was like, “Fuck it, let ’em come. It isn’t hurting anything. We’re sick of fighting this shit. Besides, we fucking love God.”

Ramirez wants the priest to not only be present, but also to pray for him, and lay his hands on him in some way. Catholics love that shit. But Texas was like, “Woah! Just WOAH! No touching, you perverts.”

So Ramirez having had his feelings hurt, asked SCOTUS to weigh in on this nonsense. The first amendment guarantees him the right to fake finding Jesus as much as he wants, and even to have a priest touch him one last time, so he can bust a nut before they snuff out his light.

So this guy, who violated someone’s right to life, is all worried about his religious freedoms, and I’m supposed to care. I mean, I do I guess. But just hard to have sympathy for the world’s biggest piece of shit. Just fucking kill him already.

Representatives from Texas however, weren’t just motivated because they wanted to be assholes towards Ramirez and other death row pricks like him. They argue that it’s a safety issue. It’s one thing to have the pastor who works for the prison present. It’s another entirely, to let some random Jesus freak, Buddha freak, or Allah freak come out of the wood work and want to be in the room. They could do some bad shit. Even if their intentions are pure, the prisoner could maybe take them hostage or some shit. It’s just unsafe, man!

In an 8:1 decision, SCOTUS ruled in favor of Ramirez. They were basically like, “Listen you state fuckwads. We’re sick of this inconsistent bullshit. These twatwaffles are about to be executed. Unless you think a priest is smuggling in the antidote to a lethal injection, what does it fucking matter? We find your argument that they could be a danger if the prisoner broke free and held the priest hostage or something, but if the priest wants to take that risk, fuck ’em!

Justice Thomas was the lone dissenter, claiming it was pretty clear that Ramirez was just trying to delay his execution, didn’t give a fuck about God, Jesus, baby Jesus, the Holy Spirit, Mary Magdalen, or baby Yoda. He’s just using these court proceedings in hopes that Jesus will come down, and instead of turning water into wine, will turn a Pancuronium bromide, potassium chloride, and midazolam cocktail into heroin. He was basically like, “Fuck that guy, and all y’all. I’m out.”

Hear oral arguments and/or read about the case below.


Average Joe SCOTUS: United States v. Vaello-Madero

You know that shit that comes out of your paycheck every time called Social Security? Well, it’s available to people living in all fifty states, Washington DC, and for some odd reason, the Northern Mariana Islands, which the US owns.

For some reason, they apparently didn’t give a flying fuck about Puerto Rico, because those motherfuckers don’t get a damn thing.

Jose Luis Vaello-Madero, a Puerto Rican dude, found his way to New York back in 1985, and presumably, started paying into Social Security plan. In 2012, he got sick as balls, and couldn’t work anymore. As such, he started receiving his SSI benefits, which again, he would have paid into.

In 2013, he went back to Puerto Rico to help care for his wife, who was also experiencing health problems, while continuing to receive his SSI benefits.

The greedy pricks in our federal government eventually found out he was living in excluded Puerto Rico, and were all like, “Slow your roll, dude. Why are you collecting benefits when you’re living in Puerto Rico? Not cool man, not cool. Also, we found out you moved there years ago. So guess what, you’ve gotta pay all that shit back you received while you were living in Puerto Rico. Capiche?”

Jose, was like, “Wait a fucking minute, I paid into this program, you merry band of cunts. This is my fucking money. Also, have you ever read the fucking fifth amendment that says I deserve equal protection under the law? Well, the whole idea you exclude us Puerto Ricans, who belong to your asshole country, violates that. So I’m suing YOU motherfucker! Also, how the fuck did the Marianas negotiate benefits, but somehow Guam, Puerto Rico, and others were left out? You just hate people who speak Spanish, don’t you?”

Justice Sotomayor, seemed pretty inclined to agree with Jose. She questioned:

Sonia Sotomayor

All right.

So let’s look at the plus of that.

This program is fully funded by the federal government, fully administered by the federal government.

There’s no cost to Puerto Rico.

There’s no cost to any state.

And so I don’t understand what the different relationship with Puerto Rico has to do with this program because there’s no cost to the government. It’s not as if it could take this federal money, Puerto Rico, and distribute it in some other way or put this money to use in some other way because the money’s going directly to the people, not to the government.

So I don’t see how that can be a plus with respect to the self-governance of Puerto Rico.

Call me crazy, but when I look at my paycheck, Social Security is one tax taken from my paycheck, federal taxes are completely separate. So Sotomayor’s question makes zero sense to me, since it WOULD in fact cost the govt, since Puerto Rican’s don’t currently pay into the system. It’s as if she doesn’t understand they’re not currently taxed for that.

But maybe she’s just like, “let the pay in like everyone else, and get their fucking benefits.”

A district court, and the 1st Circuit Appellate court were both like, “Jose, you clever son of a bitch. We think you make a good fucking argument.” But the United states, not quick to let go of money they can potentially steal, we’re like, “Fuck you lower-court clowns, we’ll take this shit all the way to SCOTUS.”

In an 8:1 decision, where only Justice Sotomayor dissented, SCOTUS ruled for the United States, deciding Jose’s argument wasn’t so clever after all. They argued that because Puerto Ricans don’t pay into the system, they have no right to expect benefits down the road.

If a Puerto Rican makes their way to the 50 states, and pay into the system, they can receive benefits back out of it. But as soon as they leave, and go to Puerto Rico, Timbuktu, or bumfuck Egypt, benefits end there.

Sotomayor dissented, calling all her cohorts, and the congressional twats who wrote this rule, some racist assholes.

Hear oral arguments and/or read about the case below.