Average Joe SCOTUS: Ramirez v. Collier

Back in 2004, Grade A scumbag, John Ramirez killed Pablo Castro, a convenience-store clerk. Dude was just doing his job, man. Probably making close to minimum wage, and Ramirez just fucking killed him. Seriously, fuck that guy.

As with a lot of prisoners, apparently Ramirez “found Jesus” while he was a guest of the state. Maybe I’m jaded, but while I admit there are possibly some legitimate people who’ve had a true change of heart, I think the nature of people doesn’t change. A sociopath willing to murder someone once, won’t have qualms about doing it again, and I don’t think shoving Jesus up their ass has ever changed that.

Anyway, Ramirez found his dumb ass on death row for his efforts, and when it came time for him take his death meds, he wanted his pastor present to help with his transition to heaven, or some dumb shit.

Victim Pablo Castro

In the United States, we’ve went back and forth like the tide, on whether a religious leader could be present at an execution, and lay their hands on the scumbag getting their just desserts. We’ve barred an Imam from being with a Muslim, OKed a Catholic priest to support a Christian, and even delayed a Buddhist’s execution until his Buddhist priest arrived. So, not exactly consistent.

After the Buddhist priest incident in Texas, those good ole boys, with a southern accent, were like, “what in tarnation is this bullshit?” So they passed a law, as politicians LOVE to do, that said when someone has to ride the lightning, they shall do so alone. No more spiritual advisors of any kind may be present, even Christian ones. But a legal challenge ensued then, and so Texas was like, “Fuck it, let ’em come. It isn’t hurting anything. We’re sick of fighting this shit. Besides, we fucking love God.”

Ramirez wants the priest to not only be present, but also to pray for him, and lay his hands on him in some way. Catholics love that shit. But Texas was like, “Woah! Just WOAH! No touching, you perverts.”

So Ramirez having had his feelings hurt, asked SCOTUS to weigh in on this nonsense. The first amendment guarantees him the right to fake finding Jesus as much as he wants, and even to have a priest touch him one last time, so he can bust a nut before they snuff out his light.

So this guy, who violated someone’s right to life, is all worried about his religious freedoms, and I’m supposed to care. I mean, I do I guess. But just hard to have sympathy for the world’s biggest piece of shit. Just fucking kill him already.

Representatives from Texas however, weren’t just motivated because they wanted to be assholes towards Ramirez and other death row pricks like him. They argue that it’s a safety issue. It’s one thing to have the pastor who works for the prison present. It’s another entirely, to let some random Jesus freak, Buddha freak, or Allah freak come out of the wood work and want to be in the room. They could do some bad shit. Even if their intentions are pure, the prisoner could maybe take them hostage or some shit. It’s just unsafe, man!

In an 8:1 decision, SCOTUS ruled in favor of Ramirez. They were basically like, “Listen you state fuckwads. We’re sick of this inconsistent bullshit. These twatwaffles are about to be executed. Unless you think a priest is smuggling in the antidote to a lethal injection, what does it fucking matter? We find your argument that they could be a danger if the prisoner broke free and held the priest hostage or something, but if the priest wants to take that risk, fuck ’em!

Justice Thomas was the lone dissenter, claiming it was pretty clear that Ramirez was just trying to delay his execution, didn’t give a fuck about God, Jesus, baby Jesus, the Holy Spirit, Mary Magdalen, or baby Yoda. He’s just using these court proceedings in hopes that Jesus will come down, and instead of turning water into wine, will turn a Pancuronium bromide, potassium chloride, and midazolam cocktail into heroin. He was basically like, “Fuck that guy, and all y’all. I’m out.”

Hear oral arguments and/or read about the case below.


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