Tag Archives: Average Joe SCOTUS

Average Joe SCOTUS – Apple v. Pepper

Apple are a bunch of control freaks. We know that, right?

Apple only lets you install apps via the app store, and they tack on 30% to the price of the apps from the developers who made them. They say this is so that they can test them and insure that they work properly, but don’t think for a second those holier-than-thou motherfuckers don’t screen out apps they think are immoral or something, like porn.

Pepper was just your average consumer who felt like they were being raped by Apple. The 30% drives up the cost quite high, and Apple prevents anyone else from competing with them. So Pepper filed an anti-trust suit, saying Apple are being assholes.

Apple said that they only felt that the developers could sue, not the peons that use their shit, based on a previous precedent involving some Brick company in Illinois.

SCOTUS agreed with Pepper though 5:4, that Apple can go eat a bag of dicks. If Pepper wants to sue, go ahead and sue, already.

Everyone who thought Kavanaugh would be a right-wing zealot were left looking a little foolish when he sided with all the left-wing justices on this one.

Anti-trust suits to follow, almost assuredly.

Read about the case and/or listen to oral arguments here

Average Joe SCOTUS – Lorenzo v. Securities and Exchange Commission

Francis Lorenzo worked for an investment firm as the director of investment. He was helping a company called Waste2Energy (W2E) secure funding by offering shares of their company as an investment.

W2E had some crazy idea that they could make the environment better by converting waste to energy, thus the name. However, they were just starry-eyed dreamers, and their shit-to-shine ideas were bogus AF, and didn’t work.

So now all these investors in W2E had largely invested in a company that was peddling bullshit.

In order to protect investors a bit, W2E offered debentures, which are basically debt secured by future earnings potential, versus any actual assets. I know, sounds shady AF, right?

Lorenzo emailed investors that their investments were safe as hell, because of these debentures, , the assets W2E does have, and that his company was backing the investment themselves. He said this info came from his boss. The assets were the important part, and let’s just say Lorenzo’s estimation of the assets values were about as accurate as a presidential campaign promise.

The SEC, realizing this was bullshit of the highest order, charged Lorenzo, and his boss, with fraud. Lorenzo tried to say, “Hey, I was just doing what that shady mother fucker told me to do. I’m innocent.” Lorenzo feels like since he’s just a dumb employee, and not the boss, only the boss should be responsible for breaking the law.

6 Justices think Lorenzo is full of shit, and that him and his boss can go eat a bag of dicks. They both know better, and they will pay accordingly. Gorsuch and Thomas disagreed, only wanting Lorenzo’s boss to munch on those nuts. Kavanaugh couldn’t be bothered and went to play some golf.

Hear oral arguments, or read about the case here.

Average Joe SCOTUS – Nieves v. Bartlett

Bartlett was being an asshole, harassing people and shit, and someone called the cops on him.

Bartlett told the cops to “go forth and multiply” when they arrived. Rather unamused by Bartlett’s words and actions, cops busted his ass.

The people who called the cops dropped charges, so no crime committed or prosecuted. So with no crime hanging over him, Bartlett argued the cops busted him for his directive that the officers go forth and multiply, arresting him for his free speech.

SCOTUS told Bartlett, “Listen asshole. The cops were there because you were being a dick and harassing other people. Not because you were a dick to them after they got there. So if you hadn’t been a dick at first, you’d have been fine.”

Eight out of nine justices ruled for Nieves (the arresting officer), saying, “Now fuck off, Bartlett. Maybe you should drink less alcohol, douchebag.”

Sotomayor, the only dissenter thinks 8 out of nine SCOTUS justices is an idiot.

Listen to oral arguments and/or read about the case here.

Average Joe SCOTUS – BNSF Railway Co. v. Loos

This dude Loos worked at BNSF railway and got his dumb ass injured.

He was fired, because BNSF realized he was an idiot, and ain’t nobody got time for that shit.

Because he got hurt on the job, he sued and won money to compensate him for his injuries and lost wages, because apparently, being an idiot is an acceptable excuse for getting your dumb ass hurt on the job.

BNSF took out taxes, because you know the govt don’t give a f*** where the money comes from, they want a cut.

Loos sued because he wanted all his cash, saying it was money for injury, and not pay that would be subject to normal tax.

SCOTUS ruled 7:2, the majority basically saying IDGAF where the money came from or why, we’re taking our cut, bitch. Federal Govt is life, dawg!

Read the full case and hear the oral arguments here.

Average Joe SCOTUS – Republic of Sudan v. Harrison

In 2000, Al Qaeda bombed the USS Cole. Remember that shit?

Well, the families of the people injured, believing that Sudan had enabled those mother***ers, sued Sudan for damages.

New York sent a letter to the Sudanese embassy in the US to be delivered to their minister of foreign affairs in Sudan.

Sudan basically argued the suit should have been delivered directly to Sudan, in the country of Sudan, and not to the embassy as an intermediary.

SCOTUS in an 8:1 decision agreed, that the embassy can’t be trusted with that shit, and determined all suits must be delivered directly to the person in question.

Clarence Thomas thinks on this issue, the other 8 justices are idiots.

Read about the case and listen to the audio here.

Average Joe SCOTUS – Bucklew v. Presythe

This asshole named Bucklew murdered someone and was sentenced to death.

Bucklew found some medical info, likely bullshit, that said because he has some weird medical condition, he might choke to death vs just dying from the lethal injection peacefully—thus deeming his execution cruel and unusual, because you know, he’s f***ing special or something.

Bucklew also thought the people giving the injection were probably buffoons, and he was afraid they’d f*** it up.

SCOTUS poetically said, “F*** you, Bucklew! You’ll die how we say you’ll die, and you’ll like it”

SCOTUS also said, “Who the f*** you think you are, bitch? I’m sure they hired competent peeps to end you. Deal with it.”

And by SCOTUS, I mean the five conservative justices. The other four fought valiantly, but lost anyway.

Read about the case and hear oral arguments here.