Category Archives: SCOTUS For The Average Joe

Average Joe SCOTUS – Herrera v. Wyoming

Herrera, a member of the Crow Tribe of Native Americans, was elk hunting on reservation land. Apparently, one of the wily elk decided to run for the border, and leave the reservation for a park that belonged to the state of Wyoming. It was the elk’s “Nana-nana-boo-boo” moment.

Herrera was not bothered by such borders however, followed the elk into the park, and Elmer Fudded that fur-ball with horns when he got his shot.

Herrera was busted by Wyoming for hunting elk off the reservation out of season and without a license in a state park.

Herrera was like, “Hold on, you mother fuckers. We had an 1868 treaty with Wyoming before it was even a state that allowed us to do this shit. It said we can hunt on any unoccupied land here. And this shit is unoccupied AF.”

But then Wyoming was like, “Listen. When Wyoming became a state, that treaty was basically toilet paper. And while we’re at it, this shit it occupied. There’s just no one living on it because we made it a state park.”

So now Herrera was like, “This is some bullshit, right here. Help me out, SCOTUS”

The left-wing part of SCOTUS, along with Gorsuch were like, “No problem Herrera. Fuck you Wyoming. He can hunt there. Just because we were nice enough to let you be a state in the greatest mother fucking country in the world, doesn’t mean you get out of all your treaties. And seriously, how the fuck you going to call a state park occupied? What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you serious right now?”

Judgement for Herrera

You can hear oral arguments or read about the case here.


Average Joe SCOTUS – District of Columbia v. Heller (CLASSIC)

Washing D.C. had some serious issues with gun injuries in the home, and so those motherfuckers sought to cut down on the number of guns in D.C. One problem—2nd amendment, y’all!

So what did they do? What every corrupt rights-infringing congressperson does, they crafted a law that violated the principles of 2A, without violating the letter of it, or so they thought.

They said a gun in the house should be unloaded and disassembled, or have a trigger lock on it. And even to have one, you had to register it and get a license, which D.C. often denied.

Heller was a local cop, and they even denied his application? Like how the hell is a cop not given a license? Who exactly gets one if not a cop?

So Heller was like, “Enough of this shit, we’re going to SCOTUS to sort this out right meow!”

D.C. tried to argue the “militia” clause made 2A a right for localities to form militias, and 2A was not an individual right to own a gun. Which is what any serial rights violator would argue, if they were trying to rape your rights.

But Heller was all like, “The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed means exactly what the fuck it means.”

In a landmark decision, SCOTUS ruled 5-4 in favor of Heller. They told D.C., “Listen mother fuckers, you can take your oppressive bullshit and shove it squarely up your ass.”

The late and great Justice Antonin Scalia even took the extra step of delivering his opinion verbally because he wasn’t playing!

I’ve written about the 2nd amendment more seriously here.

Read about the case and hear both the oral arguments and Scalia’s passionate oral opinion here.

Average Joe SCOTUS – Gamble v. United States

Terance Gamble was a felon who believed he still had his 2nd amendment rights, apparently. But legally, he did not. Felons aren’t allowed to have guns, y’all.

Gamble said, “Fuck you, I’m getting a gun.” And, so he did. His dumb ass got pulled over, and the cops found his gat.

Alabama threw his ass in jail for a year, in violation of the law which prevents felons from having a gun. Additionally, federal prosecutors decided that wanted to tack on another 34 months, because they ain’t playin’, dog.

Gamble was like, “Hold the fuck on a minute. Double jeopardy you sonsabitches! The 5th amendment protects me from this shit. I can’t be tried twice for the same crime.”

So SCOTUS was asked to determine if double jeopardy only applies to one government entity, or all government entities within the United States. One prosecution was by Alabama, one by the United States, something they called separate sovereigns.

SCOTUS sided 7-2 for the United States. Neil Gorsuch and Notorius RBG correctly (IMO) sided with Gamble. This decision makes my libertarian butthole hurt.

Hear oral arguments or read about the case here.

Average Joe SCOTUS – Helsinn Healthcare S.A. v. Teva Pharmaceuticals USA Inc.

This company Helsinn owns patents for something that helps people with cancer being treated by chemotherapy from blowing chunks all the time. It’s bad enough they have cancer and they feel like shit, so there’s a valuable service in at least helping to curb all the puking.

When you patent something like this, it cannot have been sold more than one year prior to the patent, or the America Invents Act (AIA) will consider the patent invalid. Basically, if you put it out into the world for everyone, you can’t take it back later and patent it, you greedy mother fucker. This hurdle is known as the “On-Sale Bar.”

Helsinn sold their product to a friend of theirs, MGI Pharma, but told them, “Seriously, keep this shit on the down-low. We don’t want anyone knowing about it until we get our fucking patent.”

MGI agreed, and did what they were told.

But, because these were public companies, the info was publicly disclosed that they did in fact sell it to MGI, who did honor the agreement not to sell that shit ahead of schedule.

Along comes these opportunistic mother fuckers at Teva who are like, “Hey, we saw that shit. You sold the puke-defender to MGI over a year before your patent application, and we think that amounts to an On-Sale Bar violation. So fuck you and the horse you rode in on, we’re selling that shit.”

Unanimous decision for Teva. Too bad, so sad, Helsinn.

Hear oral arguments or read about the case here.

Average Joe SCOTUS – Timbs v Indiana

Timbs bought an expensive ass Land Rover with insurance money from his parent’s passing. Despite striking it rich, this greedy mother fucker decided to start dealing drugs to make even more, and got his dumb ass busted.

Speaking of greedy. Let’s talk about those mother fuckers in Indiana. They decided that they wanted a Land Rover themselves, and they’d use this bullshit charge to take Timbs’ ride.

Since the Rover wasn’t paid for with drug money, and was worth way more than the fine he faced, Timbs argued it violated his 8th amendment rights to not have excessive fines levied on his ass, and that he wanted his fucking Land Rover back.

Indiana tried to say that somehow the 8th amendment, which guarantees against excessive fines was never incorporated into the 14th amendment which entitles the people to due process, allowed them to do this. Don’t even begin to ask me how the fuck they thought this made sense, because I don’t understand it either.

All 9 justices of SCOTUS agreed with me and Timbs; Indiana is smoking some serious shit if they think this is OK, and that maybe they need to read the 14th amendment again before they try this shit next time. SCOTUS summarily told Indiana to go fuck themselves.

Click here to read more and/or listen to oral arguments.

Average Joe SCOTUS – Dawson v. Steager

In West Virginia, if you work for the state as a local firefighter or law enforcement official, you don’t have to pay state income tax. You put your life on the line, they figure it’s the least they can do.

Dawson however, was a federal marshal operating in West Virginia, and was being taxed by West Virginia, because they want to get paid, y’all!

The state of West Virginia however, decided that federal marshals, even if they operate in West Virginia can go fuck themselves. Pay your taxes, bitch! We don’t care if you put your life on the line in our state, we only care if you were taking money out of our purse.

Side Note: I’ve got $20 that this wasn’t about the benevolence of West Virginia towards its employees for the sacrifices they make, but this was about police and fire labor unions negotiating this exemption.

Are we just going to ignore that the source of income mattered more to West Virginia than the sacrifice this man was willing to make for his state? Well, all nine SCOTUS justices aren’t, they think West Virginia is whack!

They told West Virginia they need to get their head straight, you discriminating sunsabitches!

Judgement for Dawson.

Hear oral arguments and/or read about the case here.

Average Joe SCOTUS – Nutraceutical Corp. v Lambert

This perverted SOB Lambert was having a hard time getting a boner. He likes his porn mags, and he assumed the ads in the back for boner pills were legit. You know, because that Asian in a Latina porn site, or that woman with surgical marks on her boobs on an “all-natural women” site is evidence that the porn industry is always honest.

So he bought his boner pills, and imagine his surprise when he still had a wet noodle.

He decided to sue Nutraceutical, the makers of this placebo boner pill for false advertising. Apparently blissfully unaware that the FDA doesn’t give one shit about these nonsense supplements—they have real drugs to address.

Nutra asked the case be dropped due to lack of evidence, because these bullshit supplement companies are shady AF, and somehow, the court granted it.

Lambert gave notice he wanted to appeal 10 days from the date it was dropped, and the court told him he had 10 days to file his appeal making it a total of 20 days later. But the rule in place was actually that he only had 14 days, making him six days late.

So SCOTUS was now basically asked to rule on whether it was fair he got rejected when the court told him he had ten days, and really only had four according to the rules.

SCOTUS told him to take his pervy bullshit elsewhere. Rules are rules, now fuck off.

Also, why aren’t we talking about how supplement companies are shady AF, and the FDA doesn’t care, instead of caring about some procedural bullshit like this?

Read about the case and/or hear oral arguments here